Author: Melody Harrison Hanson

I’m an overthinker and incessant seeker. I’m grateful for God’s grace. I write poetic thoughts and offer original photographs. I hope you will stay and read for a while. All photography and words are mine unless noted.

[21 day detox] Days 3 & 4 were pure misery

When I think of the role that food has played in my life it is inordinately flawed and dysfunctional.  The only way I can think that I wasn’t over weight growing up, is that my mom was into healthy eating and we never had junk food.  She baked our bread.  I never ate a Twinkie or Ding Dong until college.  Seriously.

When I got to college I got a really bad habit of eating for taste and comfort.  I was never over weight in college, but I survived on mostly GRANDMA’s cookies and coffee.  Oh, and donuts.  I didn’t realize I had a problem with poor eating, until I fainted dead away at my job in the library.  Turns out I was anemic and malnourished.  Yes, I guess nineteen year old well off Caucasian girls from the burbs become malnourished.  Of course this was the 80’s and there was little known about eating disorders.

My twenties were more of the same.  Eating poorly, feeling poorly, but never really gaining weight due to a good metabolism I suppose.  I have never been an active person, just a busy person.  I have been known to eat chocolate chip cookie dough (from the fridge) for a week for dinner.  Or melted cheese.  Or Ramen noodles.

Although my mom is a gourmet cook and a health nut, I didn’t learn anything growing up about cooking.  Four girls overwhelmed her I imagine and she was always shooing us out of the kitchen.

I learned from her relationship to food though.  My mom had been a yo-yo dieter all my life, at least since we came back from Papua New Guinea and that’s the earliest that I can remember.  Certain things were forbidden and then eaten at other times when fallen off the diet.  For my mom two were Fritos and popcorn.  I hated all three for as long as I can remember.  For the longest time they even made me physically ill if I even smelled them.  I see now was very wrapped up in my mother’s ups and downs.  She hated her body.  I hated my body.

And I had never in my life dieted or been on a diet when I got married.  I hadn’t needed to, because I managed to stay around 130 lbs, give or take five for my twenties and early thirties.

Getting pregnant was the beginning of the end of the “innocently healthy years.”  I was hungry all the time while pregnant and I thought if I was hungry the baby must also be hungry.  Absurd, of course, but I ate my way through and gained 70 pounds.  Actually I stopped looking at the scale after 70.  Horrifying.  And really my OBGYN should be taken out back and shot, for she never said a word to me about my weight.  Nada. (Yes, it feels better to blame her or at least act like it wasn’t my responsibility at all.)

Not taking responsibility could be how you label those years.  Within five months of Emma’s birth I was pregnant again with Dylan.  I gained less with that pregnancy, but then I was carrying some carried over from the previous pregnancy.  With nursing and working full-time, I lost a good part of the Emma weight.   After Dylan was born, then I had more time to get back to my original weight and I was within 20 lbs when I got pregnant with Jacob a year or so later.

I said earlier that I never dieted before I got married.  I hadn’t.  That’s not to say that I have always been happy with my weight, but I would just start working out at the Y if I got to feeling too badly about myself.  And that worked for the most part.

I have actually only been on one real diet in that time.  In 2002 Tom and I went on the South Beach diet.  I lost 17 lbs, and at that point people thought I looked too skinny but actually that put me around 140-145 and that’s a really perfect weight for my age and being 5′ 6″.  I hadn’t felt that great in years!  All those baby years were gone!  I felt like a woman again, as opposed to being a mommy with boobies.

Since 2002, I have been at home and my lifestyle has slowed down year by year and I’ve felt a slow creep.  Of course there was the battle with depression which is a story told elsewhere.  But the weight just crept up, a little more every year.  When I finally decided to do this fast I weighed in at 169 lbs – okay 170 – last Monday.  That is the highest that I have ever been in my life.  It was do or die time.

This beautiful broken tea-cup is really a metaphor for me.  I mean ME, my body, my health, my physical person.  I broke it yesterday, because I wasn’t paying attention to my detox plan and let myself get too hungry.  I was experiencing low blood sugar and ignoring it and put the dishes away. Before I fed myself.  Ignoring my need I broke something that was important to me. 

The cup is from Ukraine – one of a kind, irreplaceable, beautiful, sturdy – priceless.  It was a gift from my mom.  I was at her place the day before and I admired it because I will always have a place in my heart for the Ukraine and Russia.  She said “Take it.  You can have it.”   She is like that these days, physical things becoming much less important to her.  Perhaps it is her age.  Anyway, I gratefully took it feeling a bit selfish. But thrilled!

And used it for a day.  Until I dropped it.

That’s what I do. I ignore my body.  I ignore my hunger.  I ignore the fact that this body, given to me freely and is mine to care for.  I need to take more care.

It’s a lifelong pattern for me to forget about eating. Then eat all the wrong things.  Carbohydrates mostly.

And yesterday I forget that I need to follow the plan.  I need to make sure I eat enough calories.

I am one-of-a-kind, beautiful, and sturdy (ha ha) and I only have this one life.  This one body.  One chance to make things right.

And that is why I have to follow the plan as if my life depended on it.

Back story on the 21 day detox is here.

What Can’t our Daughters Do?

I’m re-posting something I wrote a year ago.  It was my most popular article ever written with more than a thousand viewers.  So I thought it was worth posting again.  

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Quickly — I want to thank all my visitors from the homepage of wordpress.com. Welcome!  Wow!  A lotta love happens when you get featured on the homepage.  Until yesterday, this was a little ol’ blog visited by some of my friends and a few Facebook contacts. I was essentially writing to myself and my lurkers (I do have quite a few of those.)

It would kill me to have you think I’m some ranting feminist and that’s what this blog is about.  Because that is not true, about the blog, I mean. I am a feminist.  And I can rant (at times.)  Okay quite often.  But I rant — ahem write about many topics.  I post my poetry, and talk about all sorts of things from politics, faith & (dis)belief, family & parenting, depression & mental health.  It’s varied.

I’m a Haus Frau, free-lance photographer and generally vexed person who writes.  If it were not for my faith I’d be mean and ugly things would come out of my mouth.  But if you find anything golden here it is because of grace of God in my life.   Melody

I started writing these thoughts about two months ago.  But Nicholas Kristof’s article in today’s NY Times entitled, Religion and Women, got me thinking, again.   I am a regular reader of his Op-Eds.

Do you believe this little girl does has the right to the same opportunities as these boys?  (Even if she felt called to be a Pastor?)

Kristof mentions Jimmy Carter’s speech to the Parliament of the World’s Religions in Australia, which I read when it was first posted online.

(I think I’m “in love” with Jimmy Carter because he lives his life with principles.  And standing up for women is sexy!  But that’s irrelevant here.)  I don’t have complete or even very coherent thoughts on the topic yet, I just want to ask some questions:

  • Is feminism as simple as giving women equality in work, home, church life?
  • Do women deserve access to anything that men have access to?  Why do some men have such a problem with this?
  • Do you believe your daughter has a right to every opportunity that your son has?  Why would a loving God say she doesn’t?  What can’t our daughters do?

Personally, I think oppressing  a woman, from war lords raping women in the Congo, to Afghani men who throw acid on girls faces, to men who psychologically abuse women, or the British woman who was arrested for being raped in Dubai, all of this should make us sick to our stomachs and even more culturally accepted things like putting women down, objectifying women.  And yes even keeping them from leadership opportunities they are obviously qualified, all of these things give men the chance to believe that women are inferior human beings.  And when you do that, bad things happen in our homes, institutions and relationships.

Sexism is any mistreatment of women, ranging from violence against women, to treating women as inferior, to objectifying a women. Any time women are treated in any way other than a respected human being with every opportunity in the world!

“Women are prevented from playing a full and equal role in many faiths, creating an environment in which violations against women are justified,” former President Jimmy Carter noted.  “The belief that women are inferior human beings in the eyes of God gives excuses to the brutal husband who beats his wife, the soldier who rapes a woman, the employer who has a lower pay scale for women employees, or parents who decide to abort a female embryo.”

Jimmy Carter sees religion as one of the basic “causes of the violation of women’s rights.”

As a member of The Elders, a small council of retired leaders brought together by Nelson Mandela, he is speaking out.  The Elders are focusing on the role of religion in oppressing women, and they have issued a joint statement calling on religious leaders to “change all discriminatory practices within their own religions and traditions.”

Why do I have a problem with women not being elders at my church? Because in its simplest form it is saying:

  • That women are not trusted by God with the complete story, or
  • that women somehow don’t have what it takes to lead the church, or
  • that women don’t have full access to God, or
  • that women  don’t have the wisdom and life experience,
  • We do not have whatever it takes.

Oh, believe you me I know (some) churches will allow you to do anything else! Serve, give, teach, be missionaries.  Just not be the spiritual guide.  It just doesn’t feel right.  In my gut.

Eugene Cho, is a pastor and leader and all around amazing, wise and prophetic person who has written and thought about this subject saying:

“Shouldn’t we work together to build a culture (even amongst our own churches) of respect and dignity? How do we do that beyond the debates of the ordination of women?  How do we do that in our lives, families and churches (or must it be connected to the issue of ordination?)  What’s clear to me is that it’s really difficult to pursue these things when we don’t hear directly from women. Or allow ourselves to listen to women… aka – that we take a posture of humility and submit, believing that God can actually speak through women as well. Why?”

I’ll tell you why.  Because they do not fundamentally believe they should be listening to women.  You can’t convince me otherwise.

Surprisingly, in a progressive place like Madison we settle for less on this subject.  It is rare in Madison that are women subjected to overt forms of sexism.  Most of the men I know are loving and open-hearted.  And so, in the church especially, women let a lot go.  We ignore the whole Elder and women being ordained issue, just glad we’re all getting along.  And in fact my church is ahead of many other Evangelical churches in the area.

What I don’t like is that we aren’t willing to talk about these things.  We need to talk about these things.  The fact that we don’t talk about it is painful to me. I believe if we want grow, to heal, and to have everyone truly empowered and working out of their gifts and abilities, it is crucial that we be willing to talk.

It takes an immense amount of energy to challenge someone on their sexism. It is much easier to sit here and write about it.  Even a situation that is simple and straightforward, which I wrote about a few weeks ago, sent me into a tailspin for about 12 hours.  I knew it was sexist.  I couldn’t believe how bad I felt and wondered how my sister, an ordained minister in her own church felt being spoken to in such a demeaning manner.  I suppose in some ways I forgot, being out of the workplace and not heavily involved at church, that this is still common, and widespread.

It would seem that sexism would be easy to recognize.  As with any type of discrimination, sexism can be both personal and institutional, obvious and much more subtle.  Do you think you could spot sexism when it occurs?  These are all in the category.

  • Definitely commenting on a woman’s looks when you should or could be talking ideas with her can be a form of sexism.
  • The use of pejorative names like ” ‘girls’ at the home office” and other patronizing terms can be a form of sexism.
  • A teacher or pastor or youth worker offering more attention to one gender can be a form of sexism.
  • Only hiring people of a certain gender for a specific type of job can be a form of sexism.  (Every support role in a church or ministry being filled by one gender, female.)
  • Expecting only people of a certain sex/gender to be interested in specific activities can be a form of sexism.
  • Identifying activities, roles and chores as male or female can be a form of sexism.
  • Steering students towards specific subjects based on their gender can be a form of sexism.

Mutual respect, openness and conversation are what we need.

I have rung the bell too many times within my church on the role of women. I try to be respectful and teachable. But I am tired of being told “Talk to so and so, who is a woman who leads…” so that she can tell me why she’s accepted the fact and is okay that she will never be an elder in the church.  Pass.

I’ve decided it’s the denomination that speaks.  Women are not pastors or ordained in our denomination.  I cannot change the Evangelical Free Church of America denomination (Or can I? my son would say.  But I know I cannot.) so I have to decide if I can live with it.

And it comes down to whether I can counteract the message, subtle as it is from the platform, that says to my 12-year-old daughter sitting in the pew — you will never do that job.  You will never be a pastor.  You don’t need to study scripture as seriously as the boys, because you aren’t accepted at their seminary.  Women do not preach.  You will not see women preach in our church.

I just think that’s sad.  It makes me very sad.

I am longing for spring! but thankful for today

It is a good discipline to ask yourself what you are thankful for, because the gloom of winter, the sameness of it all, can get to a person here in the cold of the Midwest winters.

Today I am thankful for:

truthful people

Honest people who are willing to tell you the good and bad are priceless.  I have been blessed over the last week to have people tell me good things about me and it is incredible!  Stunning how good it feels to have a person you love or respect tell you something good about yourself.  My father was always good about saying things like that.  Really very articulate and affirming, but his anger & rage made it hard for me to receive it.  But to have someone who has never yelled at you tell you something good, it’s like a balm on a burned hand.

old movies

We’ve been watching old black and white 1940s movies.  there is something so beautiful about the smoke and music, and acting.  The purity of the characters. I’m not totally sure yet what it so compelling about them — I’ll get back to you on this.

science fiction and fantasy genre

Tom has introduced me to many incredible authors this year from our own book shelves: C.J. Cherryh, George R.R. Martin, Louis McMaster Bujold, Connie Willis, among others.  Incredible books that I have given me endless quality hours of enjoyment.

LEGOs

Enough said.  I just love making things and it also gives my children endless hours of fun.

the power to control my health (thus far in my life)

I am taking charge of it by doing this 21 day fast. What doesn’t kill you, makes you better?

flannel pajamas

I just love snuggling for hours in my pajamas, with my coffee and laptop. That is what I wear most when I am blogging.

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The sun is shining and that doesn’t happen enough here in the Wisconsin winters!

My friends & lurkers, I know you are there and it makes me happy!  I hope you are well today, able to focus on the good things in your life.

Melody

“If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.” — Nadine Stair

[21 day detox] A diary

“There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever”

— Mahatma Gandhi

21 day detox fast

Read here for the background to why I am doing the fast.

Monday: 167.5

Tuesday: 170.00 (go figure)

Wednesday, Official Day -1

164.5
  • Drank coffee with cream, toast before my package arrived around two.  Then officially began the ‘program.”
  • Physically, suffered from an incredible and horrible headache, in my temples.  But emotionally, a m a z i n g!  (Oh, and it’s that time of the month.)
  • Purchased a Dry Brush and teas from Community Pharmacy downtown.
  • Cooked one of the veggie soups.  Weird, I have to say but not bad.  Broke down and used 1/2 tsp of salt.  I think of everything I am giving up for these 21 days, salt the most difficult.
  • Cooked chicken, salad and mac & cheese for dinner for the family.  Good to cook a healthy meal, strange that I can’t eat it.  Didn’t even taste it.  But Tom said the chicken was “the best.”

Thursday, January 7th,  Day 1

-- Haven't weighed today.
  • Drank coffee this morning.  Been thinking, on Tom’s advice that I shouldn’t try to quit cold-turkey.  But had no half-and-half.  (Missed the h&h. Sigh!)
  • Got a Lymphatic Massage. ($80 or a package of three for $195.)  Eek, this is starting to add up.
  • While that was going on I began to think about areas of my life where I feel powerless and full of fear.
  1. That I am going to mess up my kids, because I’m learning so much but hopefully not too late!
  2. A situation from childhood that changed the direction of one relationship for more than thirty years.  I’m going to do something about it.

The woman who gave me my massage was a bit “out there” but I resonated with the thought that when those worries come, don’t take them in.  Hand them over to your higher goddess or in my case the Holy Spirit.   Let go!  Intentionally think through, yes visualize letting go of that worry and fear.

Yowza!  I feel great.  And hungry which isn’t great.  I’m late on one of my drinks!

Drank Senna Tea (which is for constipation) and pureed bean soup from the book.  Not bad.  I have had enough for tonight too.

Friday, January 8th, Day 2

166  [go figure*]

*Tom says: “One who is on diet must weigh themselves at the same time and in the same circumstances (clothed or naked) etc, otherwise one can’t complain.” Thanks Confucius!

Woke up in the middle of the night, over and over with a stomach ache, air popping inside me (aren’t I discreet), pain when I would lay on my right side.  It was miserable.   Have the runs all day. The medicinal tea that I drank was Traditional Medicinals Organic Smooth Move SENNA.  I think this tea should have a warning on it!  Causes gas!

And the other thing I didn’t expect was peeing over and over, feels like when I was pregnant!  I guess that makes sense, when all I am “eating” is liquids.  And I’m still hungry though my mom says this will stop tomorrow.  Yesterday I was hungry!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I juiced twice today.  Beets, carrots, celery, apples, … it was yummy!  For mid-day I juiced something similar.  Yeah, I need to go to the store.  You quickly run out of veggies.

I am also drinking:

  • an 8 oz glass of water every two hours and a cup of tea,
  • intermittently: a Garden Greens VegeSplash Super Orac Concentrated Greens Drink Mix, Zesty Tomato flavor.  (It has 14 vegetables including Tomato, Kale and Spinach, 10 Green Foods including Spirulina, Barley Greens, Wheat Grass, Green Tea, Soy Fiber and Plant Based Enzymes.
  • and Garden Greens 24 hr Inner Cleanse Daytime/Nighttime Formula.

I ate my black bean soup pureed, from last night’s dinner. I also cheated and backed two sweet potatoes in the oven, peeled and mashed them and ate them like that.  No chewing so technically I guess it’s okay.  It was delicious.

Saturday, January 9, Day 3

Last night I felt very sick.  My stomach hurt terribly, though not in any one place really.  An overall fullness and lots of gas.  I just decided to go to bed and hope to wake to a better day.  This am my stomach seems to be relieved but I have a headache.  This may subside after half decaf/half regular coffee as I somehow slept until 9:30!  Very strange to sleep so long since I went to bed so early.  I woke to the smell of toasting raisin bread – and I wanted to die!  I love bread in any shape or form.  I will sip my coffee slowly and hope for the headache to subside.

Sunday, January 10, Day 4 and Monday, January 11, Day 5

Weighed in on Monday at 166, which for the life of me makes no sense.

  • I’ve juiced and have been drinking water and taking supplements.
  • walking (started walking a full mile and breaking a sweat.
  • 15 minutes on the Chi machine,  borrowed from mom.
  • Also she brought me a Rebounder (small trampoline) which she got for cheap at Aldi.  Two minutes on that thing wears me out!
  • Had the devil of a time finding an Enema bag.  Finally got one so that should be interesting.  My first Coffee Enema today.
  • The vapid hunger is lessening, just drink a Tomato Green Drink when I get hungry and drink water every 1/2 hour.
  • I have been constipated ever since I recovered from the diarrhea of Friday?

Emotionally I considered quitting Sunday because I haven’t lost any weight.  Tonya did the fast for 7 days and lost 9 pounds.  I told Tom I must have a tumor.  There is no way I can be eating like I am (rather drinking.  I haven’t chewed anything since last Wednesday.) and NOT LOSE WEIGHT??????  My mom convinced me to give it a week.  That would be until I weigh in on Wednesday.

Spiritually and Mentally I feel amazing!  Seriously positive, and energized and hopeful!  I

Tuesday, Jan 12, Day 6

Paavo Airola, one of the pioneers of fasting in America, states in his book How to Get Well” that “systematic under eating and periodic fasting are the two most important health and longevity factors.”

I am on day six of a twenty-one day fast. The theory is that our bodies are full of toxins from poor eating and drinking habits, our unhealthy environment, medications and general bad living.  So, to have our body working at maximum efficiency one needs to flush it of all those toxins.  My fast is based on the book 21 Pounds in 21 Days. The Martha’s Vineyard Diet Detox by Roni DeLUZ founder of the Martha’s Vineyard Holistic Retreat.

Down 6.5 pounds since a week ago Monday.  I officially began in the fast Wednesday night, but I began to get my mind into it the Monday before.  I was 170 at the highest and I was 146.5 lbs/39 bmi.

I went to Willy Street Co-op, became and member and bought grapefruits, oranges, apples, pineapple juice all to JUICE and cover the flavor of GREEN.  That’s been the most difficult aspect of juicing green things is they taste like crap!  Well, to be more literal they taste green.  Like grass.  Wicked bad.  So I am smothering them with fresh squeezed juice.  But the benefits of broccoli, kale, collard greens, lettuces, fennel, celery, etc are so high that I have to juice them daily.

Constipated.

Wednesday, January 13, Day 7

Didn’t walk, Did Chi, ran out of distilled water. Juiced fruit. I try to add green veggies and it’s just yuck!  Constipated.

Thursday, January 14, Day 8

I’m not drinking enough water.  Probably half that I should after looking at the daily schedule online.  I am drinking coffee and that is “not allowed” so I will not drink it tomorrow.  I was down to half decaf.  I missed walking on Tuesday so I walked 1.6 miles and burned calories.  I’ve been juicing more fruit than veggies.  I have not done the Kidney Cleanse because I do not have the Goldenrod Tincture (though I have looked three places) and finally ordered it online.   I absolutely can’t stand the green drinks and have revolted.  I only drink the tomato and have ordered more.  I made soup of root veggies last night and pureed it for dinner.  Several nights I have eaten two small sweet potatoes baked in oven and then pureed.  Wonder if these are bad?  I’m low on energy.  And today I feel bloody pissed!

Weight 164.5 lbs/41 BMI (-6.5)

I’m trying to figure out what I am doing wrong, what to tweak, because I feel like I am doing this for nothing.  I have another Colonic today, so perhaps that will get out some of this rage.  Because I am really angry!  Need to call Tonya.

Juiced two giant carrots, celery and one grapefruit.  It’s okay. Gagging it down.  11:00 am

12:00 Colonic.

Final report on Friday, january 15, day 9 & Saturday, Day 9 Weight 161 lbs (-9 lbs ) and the summation of this fast.

I feel like saying something nice.

I’m one day into this toxic fast, which I haven’t technically started.  I have splitting headache, but my spirit is open and today I feel happy.  That’s worth commenting on because honestly the last time I can say I felt happy was … I cannot remember.

Before I digress into that quagmire, I just want to write some nice stuff about my folks.  If you’ve followed along here on the blog for any amount of time you’ve just coughed your tea all over the computer or fallen off your chair.  But hey, miracles do happen (they actually do) not that I’m saying this is one.  But I just feel like trying to remember a few things. So, …

I love the way my dad had a gut busting laugh.  (What I wouldn’t give to hear it again.) When he was amused he just laughed from the belly.  There weren’t too many people who could make him do that.  My sister Holly and I could at times when we weren’t pissing him off. When Tom was on a roll, he sure did make dad laugh.  And then there were TV shows from time to time.

I loved that my dad was consistent about his spiritual disciplines.  Every morning for as long as I can remember, he got up early, made coffee and a fire, and read the Bible.  I mean the actual word of God, not books about it.  Every day.  No matter what. And he kept a prayer list and tracked answers.

Both my parents struggled with insecurity and so they worked hard to fight it.  They used make lists for the other person: What’s good about you.  Strengths.  It may sound hokey, but it really was kind of sweet and it seemed to help.  They would try to do it to me sometimes, and I resisted, but I have to admit it feels good to read a list of ‘affirmations’ if want to call it that which someone else thought of and told you.  Aren’t we all just a little hungry to know what others think of us? I feels damn good.

I love how my dad always said my mom was smarter than him.  It was true, but it was nice to hear him say it.

I love how my mom is a walking encyclopedia.  She does know a little about everything.  And a lot about the Bible, natural health, history, politics, gardening, human resources, …

I love how my mom did her recovery work and hasn’t looked back.  I’m not saying it’s easy for her.  But let me tell you as a fellow addict, it isn’t a small thing.

I absolutely love my mom’s green thumb.  I wish I had it.  I seem to mess up plants, but I go over to my mom’s house and her plants actually look happy.  It’s odd I know, but she has it.  If plants can be happy, they are at her house.

I love that my parents were never in debt (after early mistakes in the early 70s), paid cash for cars, and planned for retirement.  They were some of the most generous people I’ve ever known.  They’ve given away everything from an actual house to enough money that the IRS would audit them regularly.  I guess they couldn’t believe that people with a missionary income gave away so much.

I was just reflecting that I have relationships with people all over the world, many of whom I’ve been keeping up with most recently on Facebook.  Oh, FB is strange and I could write pages on whether it is real, but I have all those relationships because of my parents and the influence they had on me.

I am a multi-cultural friendly open generous person, because of my parents.

If by now you’re in shock, cause Melody just wrote almost ten things she likes about her parents and childhood, and something good about herself, take a deep breathe and smile.

Cause that’s what I’m doing.  Breathing and Smiling.  God is good.

[21 day detox] preparation & disclaimer

21 DAYS, oh boy!

I am embarking on an adventure to heal myself! And I could not be more excited!  The Martha’s Vineyard Detox is a cleansing detoxification program.

“We are all exposed to chemicals and substances in our daily environments: cigarette smoke, smokestack emissions pesticide runoff, carpet, paint and bleach fumes, artificial flavors, colors, and preservatives, antibiotics and hormones, dry-cleaning fluid residue, nail polish, hair color harm our body and compromise our health…Overtime, toxic elements accumulate in our cells, gunk up our organs, erode our quality of life, and cause many of the low-grade discomforts that are familiar: allergies, fatigue, heartburn, headaches and loss of energy.  Toxins make us more susceptible to serious chronic diseases like high blood pressure and diabetes.  In fact, these poisons foul up the delicate inner workings of our bodies so much that many of us gain unwanted weight.”

Upfront I will say my mom is a trained naturopath.  She has been a vocal proponent of natural remedies and the belief in the body’s ability to heal and keep itself healthy.  Generally I would agree that traditional Chinese medicine makes sense to me — which is based on the concept that the human body is a small universe with a set of sophisticated and interconnected systems, and that those systems usually work in balance to maintain the healthy function of the human body.

But my “universe” has been messed up for some time.

I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life hearing about ‘this or that’ theory or the latest diet or fast she was doing.  And since my mom had struggled with her own health, and weight, and has yo-yo’d, I pretty much dismissed it all cart blanch. I heard her testimony about healing herself of thyroid problems and lung disease and took it with some skepticism.  I would use the occasional L-lysine for boosting your immune system and tried a few other things, but mostly — unfortunately — I was patronizing and glib about most of her plans, though I never expressed it out loud (to her)  — I simply didn’t listen to her.  Like Charlie Brown’s parents, her health advice went in as “Wah, wah.”  Very sorry Mom!

It is a mystery to me why I was open to considering my health right now.  I believe spiritually and physically I was searching for some answers and for whatever reason the timing was right.

My sister was doing this particular detox last year and I saw the immediate health results — that really sold me.  Health issues that she has struggled with her entire adult life just “went away” via this detox.  (She has since backed this up with her medical doctor’s analysis.) And so I read the book over Christmas break and just finished it.  And the book is compelling!

Read my blog  “I have eaten my last waffle!” here for how it began for me.

My fast begins today (when my stuff arrives in the mail) but it was not something that you can go into without planning.  I have to admit upfront that this fast is going to be a challenge!  Thus far, I have ordered my supplements and green drinks.  I have had the first dreaded colonic. (Not as bad as you would think!)  I will have a Lymphatic Massage tomorrow.  My first reaction is expensive.  Already expensive!  Your average person would not probably afford $200 of vitamins, supplements, etc. and the $110 for colonic and ionic foot bath.  Only if you were already extremely ill would it make sense.  But we’ll see.  I’ll keep track of the expenses vs. what I get out of it.

As a writer I thought this book was badly organized.  So one of the things I want to do during this fast, is to break things down more clearly.  The science and personal reflections in the book are important to read, so if you’re interested in this detox you will still have to read the book. It is 21 Pounds in 21 Days. The Martha’s Vineyard Diet Detox by Roni DeLUZ founder of the Martha’s Vineyard Holistic Retreat.

Disclaimer: If you are at all squeamish about  how your bodily functions OR reading  about physical changes in mine, this [21 DAY FAST] segment of my blog may not be for you.  But I would say, give it a chance.  I may talk about colonics and other bodily changes, it is not because I’m strange but because I WANT THIS TO BE A REAL DIARY OF MY EXPERIENCE DURING THE 21 DAYS and we get squeamish about these things and ignore what our body is saying to us. And the point of a cleansing toxins out is to experience the changes within and I would like to be able to let others know of the benefits.  Because my prediction is that this will be life changing.

[OK, so you have been warned.]

As I finished up the book the Martha’s Vineyard Diet Detox and began to make my plans, one of the things I needed to do was think about my goals.

Why am I completing this detox?

I think my reasons have evolved.  As soon as I began to read the book I began to be more aware of my body.  The extreme discomfort in my clothing, certain aches and pains like frequent head-aches, strange pain in my right lower tummy area after eating, constant constipation, sore stiff knees,  and difficulty sleeping sometimes.  On top of that I quit smoking and drinking alcohol in the last year, so my lungs and my liver are toxic.  I struggle with depression and anxiety and have taken an antidepressant medication for about five years.  I stopped another medication this year.  I have chronic allergies and pop Benadryl like candy.  As well as Advil or something like it for headaches. I’m addicted to caffeine and joke about it as if it’s funny.

Well apparently most of these things are not or do not need to be a part of my life.  Huh!   I can detox my way out of most of them. And so can you.  NONE of these things are something one HAS to live with and endure.

Oh, and I forgot the most troubling reason: I have gained some weight all over, but especially around the middle, and I can not seem to rid myself of it!  I am not a dieter, so this has frustrated me like hell! A lot of it has to do with my sedentary lifestyle but I just have no energy for things.  No Zeal, no Zest for life!

Guess what, we do not have to live with these type of discomforts and we can heal our body of these things with a detox.

I am looking forward to and expect: more energy, less need to sleep, better mental clarity, memory and focus; fewer headaches and backache; less knee aches and joint pain; a reduction in cellulite; fewer colds and a stronger immune system.

Next time I will talk about exactly what the detox involves.

I will keep you posted as to how I am feeling.

When it comes to forgiveness, I’m lousy!

This is a very personal reflection.  I have written it to and about some specific people, but I believe there are lessons to be learned and so I share it here.

When it comes to forgiveness I have to admit, I’m lousy (here is something I wrote about the process of forgiving my father).  I guess one could say that I hold on to things.  I would say that I hold on to them until I’m ready to let go, always intending to let go at – some – point.  When it is safe?

When you have experienced an abusive home life, it is pure survival instinct to be suspicious.  That lack of being able to trust has hurt me in my life, I know, but it has also protected me from other kinds of pain.  Growing into  Christ’s forgiveness has meant that I have to learn to trust.

When I went to work for my father in 1991 I did it for his approval.  I’d never in my life felt his approval and I just wanted a context where he might ‘like’ me or what I did.  Innocently at first, I stepped into a situation where others accused us of nepotism.  So not only did I have the pressure to perform so that my scowling, disapproving perfectionist father would love me and more importantly approve of me, but I had to live up to his expressed expectations so that others would see that I was competent and deserved to be there.

I learned a lot in the first few years there.  He pushed me in ways that I needed.  I was shy and insecure and he expected me to make things happen!  I learned to express myself clearly, get on the phone and make it happen and eventually I began to see that I was pretty good.  He definitely gave me a confidence boost but I wasn’t prepared for him offering me a huge promotion to Urbana communications.

I’m  still not sure why he did that?  I had a communications degree but it was meaningless at least in my mind.  It was a “I don’t know what to study” degree.   When I started that job I was equal parts thrilled and terrified.  I had tons of ideas and I felt so passionate about my ideas that I wasn’t afraid of what others thought.  Those were good days in the beginning.  Days of huge learning and beginning to shape communications for Urbana the way I wanted.  Yes, I was very I centered.  But things were going fine until I ran up against Scott Wilson.  He told me at one of our first lunches that this was “family” and family looked out for each other.  I had been looking at an external ad agency to help bring some new ideas into the promotion and in no uncertain terms I was told if I did that, I was not “in the family” [insert lingering unspoken threat]

This was so outrageous to me that I remember going home and laughing with Tom because it sounded so mafia-like.  Turns out he wasn’t kidding and that began a power struggle that only escalated and continued up to the day I left InterVarsity.  I take that back, after I left on maternity leave with my third child, after what came to be my last Urbana, he began to ignore me.

Ten years later, I know that I never wanted to leave InterVarsity.  I loved my job.  I was tired and very pregnant and burned out.  I felt like I wasn’t totally supported when it came to my job and that I was being ignored structurally.  I felt unsure about a new Urbana director and tired, did I mention how tired I was?  I did Urbana 2000 seven months pregnant, wrote my report totally exhausted, had my son, did the maternity leave and then … I didn’t know how to return and it didn’t seem like it mattered to anyone whether I did or not.  No one was there to help me get a plan together for the future.  I fell between the cracks.

I never experienced resolution to the conflicts with Scott Wilson.  I never got support for some of the issues I had on my team.  I felt that I had somehow failed and yet, I can’t think of how really.  Three bursting conventions.  The goal had been achieved.  I guess my problem was that I always wanted more.  And ‘more’ wasn’t going to happen at InterVarsity with Scott around.

The funny thing is how different Scott and I are.  I express myself in writing, he’s verbal and extremely articulate.   I’m shy.  I am not a people person, I’m an ideas person.  I have learned over the last ten years that I am really okay with lots of solitude.  I hate meetings and process, though I see how important they can be. I love team and community, but I don’t know how to achieve it.  If someone could have helped us, I think Scott and I together could have been very effective with InterVarsity communications, but as it was the whole thing crushed me.

But I can see God’s big and loving hands on this whole thing, because I don’t know if I could have learned the things that I have about myself and about Him if I had stayed at IV.  Spiritually, I was dying there.  I equated all this pain I was experiencing with God’s care for me and it didn’t feel very good.  I was hurt, and angry, and ready to tell God to f-off!

My story changed at that point to one of personal redemption.  I was experiencing postpartum depression, I was coming off being a workaholic to being a full-time nursing mom of three in diapers.  My identity issues which had trailed after me all my life flared their ugly head and all of a sudden I felt irrelevant and like a total failure.  After thirteen beautiful learning years at IV, because of the lack of closure and lack of resolution to this conflict, I felt I had failed.

I should have been able to figure it out but I was incapable at the time.   I put some of that pain into my final report, but I guess no one that mattered read it because I never heard back from anyone at IV.  It was like I had fallen off the face of their planet.  What short memories organisations seem to have.

As I dealt with depression, which worsened I began to wrestle with alcohol.  I am not proud of those years certainly.  I was self-medicating and only later learned that it was genetic and my mom would soon get help for her own alcoholism.  I continued to wrestle with it off and on for years.  My father got sick, diagnosed with brain tumors.  He had surgery meanwhile I was trying to figure out if I should go on an antidepressant which was a heart wrenching decision.  At the time of the doctor’s appointment for that, I discovered I was pregnant.  I flew off to Colorado to be with my parents, knowing I was pregnant and clinically depressed.  I did go on the medication.  And for four days I considered an abortion, feeling I was an unfit mother. I don’t know where the thoughts of aborting the baby came from but I was in a major depression.   Six weeks later, the baby self aborted.  A miscarriage.

All the while we were dealing with my father’s illness, my mother’s her drinking became a danger to others including dad and herself.   In the end dad died, mother got help, and I was back with the problems I had before it all started.  Still depressed, confused, lonely and angry at everyone.

On and off over the years I have sought help for my drinking.  It was only in the last year that I knew I could stop.  I know my drinking would never have happened if I had a full-time job.  I hardly drank when I was working.  And I do believe looking back that the opportunity for ‘abuse’ came with too much time on my hands at first, boredom, the stress of little ones under foot, the genetic propensity, and the almost manic depression that I was getting help for at the same time.

I am grateful now that I had the last ten years to slow down enough to see myself – feel my feelings – stop achieving long enough to realize how badly I felt about myself.  When I was working I was a maniacal over-worker.  If I had a slow day I would get this crazy black cloud over me that I had to run from and so I just kept running.  Doing.  Achieving.  I stopped feeling.   I stopped believing in the purpose of Urbana.  I stopped experiencing God.   My faith was so disintegrated at that point that I remember feeling I had better leave before someone finds out what a hypocrite I was.

This is all to say that I know I had many failures while I was working at IV.  I allowed pettiness and bitterness to dominate me.  I overworked people.  I knew there were people on my team who were hurting and I didn’t know how to help them, so I didn’t.  I just worked, because like my father that is where I felt competence.  I was too proud to ask for help.  And the few times I did ask for help, I was so filled with bitterness and anger that it is no wonder no one could hear me, understand the issues and resolve anything.

To Scott Wilson, I ask that you forgive me for disparaging you in my heart and with others.  To Barney Ford, I ask that you forgive me for not keeping my heart healthy and free from bitterness.  I ask that you both forgive me for allowing anger to dominate and for being a hypocrite.  I stopped listening to God in those last years at IV and was probably more of destructive force then anything.  To all the people who served with me, like Barry Sherbeck, and many others I ask your forgiveness for being so bitter.  For wasting so much of your time with my dark heart issues.  For people who worked for me, like Paul, and Mark, and Grace, and Carol, please forgive me for pushing you so hard.  And for being a feeble boss.  Grace, I should never have hired you knowing I was not going to be the supervisor you needed.  Please forgive me.  I know you all needed things from me that I had no knowledge of how to provide.

As I said, I’m no good at forgiveness.  Or perhaps it just takes me a while.  I can only praise God that He gave me these years, that  as I fell on my face and looked up He was there with open arms.  I can rise up today truly able to seek forgiveness and to let go of all that pain and finally be free!

Be not judges of others, and you will not be judged: do not give punishment to others, and you will not get punishment yourselves: make others free, and you will be made free.  Luke 6:37

Prayer: Would that I were more faithful

Would that I were faithful in prayer

in so many things.

That I would have the maturity to turn off the noise

and seek what faithfulness requires.

Solitude first,

Prayer compels, then demands an acquiescence of the will.

It asks for a level of trust and ascent,

surrender and humility.

Things I do not have, but as I sit and listen,

I am able to ask

for less of me that I might be, faithful.

[21 day detox]


[…]

Originally uploaded by M e l o d y

I have eaten

my last waffle.

I am doing my homework in order to do a 21 day fast. The theory is that our bodies are full of toxins from poor eating, our unhealthy environment and general bad living.  So, in order to have our body working at maximum efficiency one needs to flush it of all those toxins.

Over the last year I have had:

  1. chronic headaches (two to three a week),
  2. ongoing knee pain,
  3. TMJ/jaw clenching with pain,
  4. gastrointestinal issues,
  5. a weight gain of fifteen pounds (at least),
  6. to take antihistamines for constant allergies,
  7. to take antidepressant medication because I suffer from depression and anxiety.

I have also:

  1. gone off an anti-anxiety/sleep mediation,
  2. quit drinking alcohol, and
  3. quit smoking.

Good things, but lots of toxins stored up I’m thinking.

I’ve been reading the book 21 Pounds in 21 Days by Roni DeLuz, RN, ND. My sister did this fast and saw incredible health benefits, several health issues completely resolved and she felt fantastic!

I thought I might record the journey. Follow along if you wish.

Today I have to get organized by ordering the supplies and supplements which thanks to my sister Tonya I can order fro http://www.iherbs.com for much less than the package deal at the Doctor’s website. Dust off the juicer my mom gave me and on Monday make an appointment for a Colonic. (Yes, it’s that serious.) And call Tonya to get her advice and tips. She’s also doing the fast, starting today, so she’ll be a few days ahead of me!

I will begin when I get my care package in the mail.  Stay tuned.

beautiful resolutions

I did not write these, but I must say they are beautiful and I resonate with them.

  1. I will live in the present moment. I will not obsess about the past or worry about the future.

  2. I will cultivate the art of making connections. I will pay attention to how my life is intimately related to all life on the planet.

  3. I will be thankful for all the blessings in my life. I will spell out my days with a grammar of gratitude.

  4. I will practice hospitality in a world where too often strangers are feared, enemies are hated, and the “other” is shunned. I will welcome guests and alien ideas with graciousness.

  5. I will seek liberty and justice for all. I will work for a free and a fair world.

  6. I will add to the planet’s fund of good will by practicing little acts of kindness, brief words of encouragement, and manifold expressions of  courtesy.

  7. I will cultivate the skill of deep listening. I will remember that all things want to be heard, as do the many voices inside me.

  8. I will practice reverence for life by seeing the sacred in, with, and under all things of the world.

  9. I will give up trying to hide, deny, or escape from my imperfections. I will listen to what my shadow side has to say to me.

  10. I will be willing to learn from the spiritual teachers all around me, however unlikely or unlike me they may be.

Resources for spiritual journeys: http://www.SpiritualityandPractice.com.  Spiritually Literate New Year’s Resolutions by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat

To read mine, go here.

a crooked road to home (a poem)

a crooked road

by Melody Harrison Hanson
December 31, 2009

Mama, I never thought being an adult child would be so hard.

being an adult child, of an adult who – is – a – child.

Reader. If you’re confused,
welcome.  It is a crooked road, full of twists I cannot define.  I cannot see to the other side.
I cannot look back, because I would slip on the path of unshed tears.

Mama, I get nothing from you.  Nothing for weeks. Before that, nothing

for as long as I can remember.

And I’m trying to figure out what’s going on. I’m trying to figure out what you want?  Do you want anything

[ from me?]

You never reach out.  You never check in.

Should I just assume you’re fine. You don’t want or need anything from me?

Reader. If you’re confused,
welcome.  It is a crooked road, full of twists I cannot define.  I cannot see to the other side.
I cannot look back, because I would slip on the path of unshed tears.

Mama, you can act like I’m not here.

Invisible.

Someone else’s child.

And [I think] I could live with that

if you didn’t act like you DON’T act

like that.  If you didn’t pretend

you are you.

If you didn’t pretent

You are the Mother.

Reader. If you’re confused,
welcome.  It is a crooked road, full of twists I cannot define.  I cannot see to the other side.
I cannot look back, because I would slip on the path of unshed tears.

And why, I think ,can I not be the adult?

Why can’t I make the calls, do the diligent thing? Why,

because I am somehow a little girl

waiting and hoping, for mama to Come Home.

I have a lot of poems about my feelings about parents… You can read them by going here:  https://logicandimagination.wordpress.com/tag/my-poetry/

Mel

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imagine photography, llc

Photography is truth.

Imagine Photography, LLC was first conceived when others began to approach me about my photography — asking if I would shoot their kids or for their publication.  Others have seen my zeal for making life live on in photographs, as I was doing that for my family.  And in 2007, after my youngest began school, I officially began Imagine Photography.  (Please forgive the moment of self promotion.)

I really believe there are things nobody would see

if I didn’t photograph them. – Diane Arbus

I enjoy capturing life in unique ways and sometimes I charge for it.  For many projects, I donate my time.  I never want money to be an obstacle to creating an image of your family, so please do not let it keep you from contacting me.  It is my way of giving back of my time and talents and it is my pleasure.

I shoot people (babies, children, families, seniors “old and young)” business events and parties (no weddings).  I shoot for magazines & newspapers.  I also have some fine art pieces for sale and I am working on a new project for showcasing in 2010.

I tell stories with my photography and would love to meet you and hear yours.

My rates:

  1. For a photography session of any number of people (including animals): $135 per hour.  For $75, I offer a disk of all the images and give you copyright to own and print the images.
  2. For an event: $145 per hour which includes 2 disks of all the images and give you the copyright to own and print the images.
  3. If I have to travel outside of Dane County, I include mileage.
  4. Prints can purchased individually from me.

For a list of client referrals, to schedule your shoot or to ask questions, please email me at melodyharrisonhanson@gmail.com or call me at 608-516-4269.

It is one thing to photograph people.

It is another to make others care about them

by revealing the core of their humanness.- Paul Strand


“Photography is truth.” – Jean-Luc Godard