Where do we form our ideas about God? And more importantly when? How young does it begin to register in your head and heart, your idea of God as a masculine figure and that your daddy is also male? How did they become so mixed together, mingled and intertwined?
And I asked myself today. How do you pull them apart, which you must for a variety of reasons but most of all because you don’t know how to pray to that God. You don’t know that God.
What if you grew up feeling that you will never measure up, never have a day in your small, inconsequential life of being good enough, no matter what you do. What if you grew up believing that your life, whatever you become, whatever you might
Hope for, dream or wish, whatever you might be today isn’t enough?
What if you have believed since you were a very young girl, that all your striving will make Daddy love you more and yet it doesn’t work? Did not work. What then?
What if you learned that God isn’t male? What if God isn’t just a daddy or a father but a mother, a healer, even a lover? God is something beyond our comprehension, wild and incredible, beyond imagination.
How are we to pull those ideas apart, with their
Deep Roots that have grown up all over us, entangled
with one another, clinching our chest tighter year after year – strangling,
I know that I cannot separate these things. In my human effort it’s impossible to make my shouting, critical, mean-spirited, controlling, effortlessly (it seemed) horrible and cruel daddy to stop.
I have to throw that idea away. I have to toss that idea of human daddy being God or or God being like my daddy, toss it far into the ocean with all the other idols I have collected in my life. I’ve got a few, but this one is a huge Monster of an idol and in my power I cannot even lift it, to toss it away into the vast murky universal ocean.
So I sit here, on the beach. My feet sandy, my toes getting wet just a little, I pick up a pebble and fling it as far as I can. I do not see how far flies, but I know that it is gone.
My hand is empty.
I imagine that I hear it fall, then swirl down into the waves, the tide pulling it out, further and further away
That’s how far I toss the idol of my human daddy being my God.
Out of my mind.
out of my heart,
out of my life,
daddy’s gone. Human-daddy-formed-god, to be replaced with …
Something New, that I do not know yet.
“God is not limited by gender because God is Spirit.” – Mimi Haddad
I want to know that God.
So I am going to stay here on the beach a little while longer waiting, hoping, dreaming, believing that this God, who I cannot even comprehend yet, wants to know me.
“The point of the incarnation was that Christ represents your flesh and mine. Perhaps for this reason, Christ’s self-appointed name was most frequently Son of Man (anthropos—humankind) not Son of Male (aner). Gendered deities were part of the Greek dualistic system, which Jesus, as your flesh and mine, stands against.” – Mimi Haddad, CBE