Depression sucks the marrow of my bones, unhurriedly.
I’ve wanted nothing more than to be useful.
Or have I lied to myself, even now.
Have I wanted importance?
New: When God Seems Silent
1. I have not lost hope though I have lost the ability to hear God. Whether God is silent, which I doubt, or whether the pain throbs too loudly in my heart’s chamber to hear, I don’t know. What my family is experiencing is not suffering. Life is hard and this distinction is important to […]
{This is for the Dads. I See You}
This blurry pic, a copy of a copy, is my father holding my son. You cannot see it from this cropped copy but they are sitting on the floor. This is for the dads, I see you. Recently at wedding of two friends it hit me. I’m past the feeling of broken-heart-ache when I see […]
{a message from my dead father}
Jumbles of words wake me up; clotting in me. My body resists waking for it’s much too early. This is my day-to-day litmus test. How bad? Long before dawn, I am scanning for the gravity of my depression. I have always eavesdropped on myself in this way. Somehow the heart knows, even if one has […]
[BE FEARLESS]
My word for 2012 was ABUNDANCE. Even as I chose that word — abundance, I wasn’t totally sure; seriously, what was I thinking resounded the echoing voices? I have never lived a so-called abundant life. Was it even possible? Most of my childhood, and early adulthood, I spent afraid, crouching. And I’ve been unable to choose joy, as I’ve […]
{Forgiving is a Miracle: Courageous and Holy. “When Daddy’s Rage”}
We are not too old to take courage. We are not too late to sacrifice. We are not too lost to reach out to each other and linger on the rim of time. – Ann Voskamp As I read those words this morning I was thinking instantly of my relationship with my Dad — gone […]
{My Father is Dead} A Remembrance on Father’s Day
“I will not leave you orphaned… I don’t leave you the way you’re used to being left–feeling abandoned, bereft… I’m leaving you well and whole.” — John 14 My father is dead but he is alive in my head. He haunts me. I often wish I could kill him off for good, then I remember how much […]
{When Did you First Believe that God is Male?} #mutuality2012
Where do we form our ideas about God? And more importantly when? How young does it begin to register in your head and heart, your idea of God as a masculine figure and that your daddy is also male? How did they become so mixed together, mingled and intertwined? And I asked myself today. How do you […]
{When You’re Not Qualified to be Alive}
So I’m trying something new. Picking a subject at random that I seem to obsess about or fixate on, something that grips my imagination in compulsive and ugly ways, (I started with one of my secret obsessions.) I’ll write honestly without a lot self-editing or controlling “the message” to see what comes out. No answers. […]
Phantom Love
You can’t just say you love me. Love isn’t words. Love is time — spent over the span of a life. Words are a phantom love. I can’t mend your hurting heart. I don’t even know why I should try. Empty, adrift. You are searching for something. Crying out, and I hear you. But I […]
