I’ve Been Quiet

I’ve been quiet, because the world is so loud. So many days I just cannot do anything more than put my hands over my ears and shut it all out.

This world where exegesis and hermeneutic and “being right “are more important than generosity and love.

A world where the decision of the Church or the Government feeding the hungry becomes intellectual and spiritual sport.

A world critical of mystical devotion of Henri Nouwen whom I revere.

A world where conviction over sexuality and what is or is not love makes people hate one another, aren’t we all God’s creatures?

A world where your or my “place” and opportunities depend on being born a boy or a girl; where little boys refuse to let a little girl play ball. just because she’s a girl.

The world, even the Church that cannot agree on much of anything.  And sometimes I think how Jesus must just weep over us all.

This world is upside down, crazy and it just makes me sad, even deeply wounded by it. 

I’ve been quiet because I have been writing. And I find that blogging makes me want more clicks, and comments, and there is never enough attention.  It feeds the part of my soul is ugly, that longs for significance.  Blogging doesn’t suit this heart .

Empty, shaken, longing for solitude, then I know.  I need more of Jesus.

I’ve been quiet because I’ve been writing and when I write I doubt.  I doubt my Call.  I doubt my talent.  I doubt that these things that tug on my heart, these words that seem so clear, that wake me up from a dead sleep, that dance around me like pixies while I mow the straight lines of the lawn, that chatter inside me telling me I’m stupid.

Yes, I’ve been quiet because when I write I doubt myself, and

this too is a challenge of a person who finds herself committed to words — to creating and giving them away.

I don’t know enough.

I don’t have a big enough audience.

I don’t say things that matter.

I don’t know much of anything.

Seeing a theme here, I, I, I, …

I get even more so — I need deep quiet.  And I know again that I need to drink from the spigot that is of forgiveness and true purpose and  being transformed.  When Jesus said “I have come” he meant  come to stay.  He’s here with us.  He’s here by my side, as I tap-tap-tap on the laptop.

More of him,

less of me.

That means deep quiet.

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. Good post!!!! Maybe you need to be loud, so more people can hear what you have to say. Climb to the highest point and challenge others to climb as well, so they can see what you see, hear what you hear, and shout as you shout. Maybe you need to speak into their ear until they only hear quiet, which will lead to peace and harmony. Maybe you should keep this world that you dream to yourself, while girls continue to get kick off of basketball courts and writers continue to be confined to the pen, writing what their mouths don’t have the heart to say. Maybe you can continue to be quiet and watch everyone burn down everything that is logical build on imagination or you can blow out the first match lit!!!!

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    1. Don’t even know what to say. But thanks, I’ll think long and hard on this.

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    2. Welcome….I hope leaving you speechless is a great thing!!!!

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  2. krwordgazer says:

    I love your words. They say so much of what I want to also say.

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    1. Thank you. That means so much.

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  3. Melody,I’m using my phone so can’t say too much, but I love this post and I couldn’t agree with it more. This is me. And why its good to not post while I’m on vaca. The blog thing can get too important too easily. Love your heart so much.

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    1. Oh wow, thanks Heather. Peace to you on vacation. Listen well, rest. Be.

      Like

Thanks so much for reading and sharing.

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