A Mother’s Lament {You cannot stop this train. Save yourself.}

These words have leaked out of me, like tears trickling down the crevices of my heart.  It’s been an all-consuming few weeks. I owe friends updates, but it feels as if there’s no space for conversation when I’m taking in heaving breaths of air just to survive and dodging sorrow’s persistent arrows. At the same time.  Time is in such…

Lent Diary: The Wilderness of My Spiritual Doubts (Day 3)

I. In The Wilderness of My Spiritual Doubts The pull on the soul between belief and disbelief has been the root of much of my spiritual doubt; that I cannot prove my faith, even to myself. This frequent disbelief and self-hatred are two among the many causes for me to hesitate to share my faith…

Lent Diary: The Mundane, A Holy Awareness, Our body, and Jesus

My first Lenten post is here. These are the indiscriminate observations from days one and two.  Often, I allow dailiness of life to flood in, the tyranny of the urgent family agenda turning me half brain-dead.  Just do the next thing, if grumpily. In The Sign of Jonas, Merton says:  “I ought to know, by now,…

When I Was A Falling Down Drunk: A Love Story

It’s only been a few days but I feel it.  In the hidden, hard place where I keep my little girl heart that learned to be scared too early.  That place in my heart has shifted. It might be that I am writing out the story of how I once was a falling down drunk. …

My Crazy Slow Surrender to Life’s Beauty

Life is worn and tearing, and this makes me profanely angry. I hear a baby cry in the distance, just a simple need for succor and in an instant, I’m filled with Memory—Grief for What’s Lost. For when it was my breast, feeding the cry, when mine were young, I did not understand The Wonder. …

The not quite believable Miracle: there is Power to Change

I have a big problem with trust.  It’s as if I’m expecting a colossal smack down from Life. The question I’m always asking myself is do I make it happen, with my fear and negativity? This existential question cannot be decided simply, not today. I do know that I often withdraw from life. I’m afraid of things,…

{Apart and Away}

I’m worn-out; tired as I’ve never been before. Weary in a not sleepy frantic hungry and hysterically wild frightened, nothing-is-working, everything is falling Apart and away. Restless and abysmal [unable to talk because some problems are not for public consumption.] I lay arrested, in the midnight hours, whispering Jesus, what are we going to do?  Some…

{reflecting on the past year and turning 46}

I have come far. I have run hard. I feel strong. I am proud of my learning to harness perseverance and need. Twenty seven pounds ago, I hated myself and today I feel lithe and strong.  All this, accomplished with an iron will, though a little obsessively neurotic at times.  I know, I am strong. And this is…

{I Believe}

I believe in God. I believe in God, and  what Jesus did, being human. Living fully, dying to atone for my messes, of which there are many.  That Jesus lives and now is with God the Father.  It is at times confusing and other days simple.  Just believe. Or choose not to, that is your right. I…

I’ve Been Quiet

I’ve been quiet, because the world is so loud. So many days I just cannot do anything more than put my hands over my ears and shut it all out. This world where exegesis and hermeneutic and “being right “are more important than generosity and love. A world where the decision of the Church or the Government feeding the hungry becomes…

Only [and Every Day] Empty

Only [and every day] empty. I wake starved for more of you. Then the day prevails, trouble gathers about my feet, pulls on my leg, swirling fury. Life is loud and you God are a quiet wind, but a whisper. I must earnestly and expectantly listen, for you. If only I would. Start again. Only…