Dancing with the Holy: On Being Broken, Spiritually Mended and Called

It was holy—it was so intimate, so exquisite and precious, that to put it down in words here for you will diminish it immediately. That is the nature of being Spiritually Mended. There I was, clinging. I came with a cavernous pain, my need was huge. I came saying to myself I’m broken into pieces. I’m useless.  But isn’t that…

{Apart and Away}

I’m worn-out; tired as I’ve never been before. Weary in a not sleepy frantic hungry and hysterically wild frightened, nothing-is-working, everything is falling Apart and away. Restless and abysmal [unable to talk because some problems are not for public consumption.] I lay arrested, in the midnight hours, whispering Jesus, what are we going to do?  Some…

I Asked God for Help {Part Two}

I asked God to help. That is the key, assent; Letting down. Holding out and open, my hands. Release. When everything hurts, when chaos has taken over and I cannot even imagine Solutions, That is the key Letting down, holding out. When fear of outcomes prevails I asked God for help, I ask. Ask again,…

{reflecting on the past year and turning 46}

I have come far. I have run hard. I feel strong. I am proud of my learning to harness perseverance and need. Twenty seven pounds ago, I hated myself and today I feel lithe and strong.  All this, accomplished with an iron will, though a little obsessively neurotic at times.  I know, I am strong. And this is…

{faith is waiting, leaning in. a lump in the throat}

It is the prolific writer and theologian, Frederick Buechner, who said: “Faith is different from theology because theology is reasoned, systematic, and orderly, whereas faith is disorderly, intermittent, and full of surprises…. Faith is homesickness. Faith is a lump in the throat. Faith is less a position on than a movement toward, less a sure thing than a hunch….

{I am a Hoarder: A Confession}

I clutch at my stuff, even my money, as if it were mine. I live as if I cannot imagine losing it and yet fearful that I will.   For many years I have wrestled with God’s promises about money, wishing to be more faithful but living as if I must take care of myself. I realized these things…

{On Listening for God in the Midst of the Din}

I’ve lived with what I’ll call spiritual insecurity for most of my life, a fear that I don’t know how to hear God.  At some points my younger self thought that I didn’t know God.  Hadn’t given my heart, surrendered fully, perhaps I didn’t even know this creator God, this Jesus who died — for me,…

{Listening for God}

I listen for you. But I am no good at hearing. For you, my God speak quietly; a whisper. Hints of your love blow in the grasses, the bird’s song, the wind wafting in the trees, in children’s laughter. I listen for you. Help me to hear.

{This Kind of Week}

You must descend from your head into your heart. At present your thoughts of God are in your head. And God Himself is, as it were, outside you, and so your prayer and other spiritual exercises remain exterior. Whilst you are still in your head, thoughts will not easily be subdued but will always be…

{When You’re Not Qualified to be Alive}

So I’m trying something new.  Picking a subject at random that I seem to obsess about or fixate on, something that grips my imagination in compulsive and ugly ways, (I started with one of my secret obsessions.) I’ll write honestly without  a lot self-editing or controlling “the message” to see what comes out.  No answers….

{When God is Silent}

“Why is God silent so long? Why is faith bitter? … but then, little by little, I begin to understand as never before, that he is present in the emptiness, in the waiting,” –  Carlo Caretto Why is God sometimes silent, while evil and sorrow hang on, clutching to us all.  Why? I cannot hear…

I’ve Been Quiet

I’ve been quiet, because the world is so loud. So many days I just cannot do anything more than put my hands over my ears and shut it all out. This world where exegesis and hermeneutic and “being right “are more important than generosity and love. A world where the decision of the Church or the Government feeding the hungry becomes…