I have a big problem with trust. It’s as if I’m expecting a colossal
smack down from Life.
The question I’m always asking myself is do I make it happen, with my fear and negativity? This existential question cannot be decided simply, not today.
I do know that I often withdraw from life.
I’m afraid of things, of humans. My long ago voyage into stay-at-home-mother-dom only worsened even determined this quality in me. I’m a hopeless introvert. I feel like misfit in the world. I hate that I’m afraid all the time. (This is one of the reasons I chose FEARLESS as my word for the year.)
And here’s the funny rub, people like me. People seem to generally want to be with me. People find me interesting, worth listening to and engaging with, they even find inspiration in my art.
Recently, my eighty-eight year old neighbor, confined now to a small 11′ x 11′ room in a retirement home called me. She’s expecting a visit. And I don’t mind, but I’ll drag my feet. And when I do call, and when I do finally go, it will be lovely and wonderful.
And I’ll wonder why I didn’t do it sooner.
Friends, acquaintances reach out and I’m scared.
I put on a strong face, as a mother you must. And I don’t really have any trouble keeping up with others since life is being forced into endless interactions, but I don’t like it. Until I’m in the middle and then I’m fine, I guess
Our children cannot know how fearful we really are. They need our strength. So we are strong, when we feel weak. It may not be fear for you, it may be something else but there is an aspect of parenting that is simply about white knuckling it through.
My son has asked me, endlessly it seems this week. “Why am I so afraid to talk to others?” – In class, to teachers, to any adult figures, to grandma, to a stranger, even girls. And I don’t know.
I don’t have answer. Did I somehow do this? That’s the perennial question.
I hurt for him. I do not want him to feel what I feel. I don’t want him to be like me, endlessly afraid to open his mouth out of perfectionism, fear of failure and the judgement and condescension of others.
How can you help an introverted child learn to find their voice?
When I started in the workplace as assistant to the director of missions, I came out of myself, in order to pick up the phone, make travel arrangements, set appointments, and interact with folk. Now some twenty years later, I’m still hopelessly introverted unless forced. And I don’t know how to help my son.
If you had power to and could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
And would you really do it?
I’m shy. I come across as aloof. It’s because I’m a fearful person. I’m expecting a hard slap from life – and if I’m being totally honest, kind of think the rug will be pulled out from beneath me, by God.
Especially this last year, when many things in our lives have been hard, even horrible. It is without doubt, one of most difficult painful years of our lives full of challenge and struggle. I want to blame God. I want to be mad
but what I know is that rather I need GRACE, daily grace, AMAZING GRACE. In me, deep down,
Into my pores, and deep within, where my heart got broken as a little girl, such a long time ago.
Truth is, Jesus loves us,
me. And gave his life. And Jesus
has the power to do miracles. The woman in Luke 8:40-49, only and simply
touched Jesus cloak
and believed. And she was
I need to touch Jesus’ cloak today.
I need to believe it’s possible to be healed. I’ll always be an introvert, okay. But I don’t want to live afraid, a perfectionist, aloof and proud. This isn’t free. This isn’t grace.
There’s a song sung at our wedding which has ministered to me for twenty years. It’s words so sweet.
Amazing Grace! (How sweet the sound.)
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
and grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believed!
Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
‘Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine,
but God, who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
It is not simple. It is not easy. It isn’t magical.
It is about touching Jesus cloak and believing.
(This is a part of five minute Friday.)