Strange how life works, I didn’t sleep – and because of it I am in a bleak, dark place. I’ve had two nights in the last few weeks where I quite literally lay awake all night long – not awake enough to do anything productive, but not resting deeply either. The result is I’m sick at heart and physically shaky; short-tempered, and irritated by everyone.
Old and ugly insecurities are having their way, messing with me. This makes me sad, so very sad.
I ran this morning out of pure conviction, blaming and shaming myself the entire way. You should be running longer, you should be faster by now, how silly to be your little 2.5 miles, why do you bother? What’s 27 pounds, when people will always be younger and fitter than you!? To them, you are fat.
I can tally my mistakes so quickly when I am tired. I am full of self-doubt, as a writer certainly and especially. I wish for a career again. Or even simply an office to go to or perhaps a paycheck to make me feel I’m making a contribution to something tangible on the planet earth I wonder why I cannot ever feel resolute and worthwhile in my role as a mother, caretaker, home maker?
My chest is heavy with fear and doubt about my path.
My chest is also heavy too for my children. I want so much for them, but I am learning that they must be “allowed” to question, make their choices, voice their doubts, express their ideas, have problems that I do not solve for them. I cannot always defend them to other or be defensive about their choices. I have to let my children become. I have to let them fail, perhaps. Bailing children out isn’t the answer. Pushing is okay, at times. Encourage and buoy up, even reward and bribe, a carrot, for a future which is full of possibilities they cannot yet imagine.
I am learning about boundaries, mostly that I am terrible with them. I do for others until I resent the doing ending up with no time to write or think or pray or sit with the Holy One.
I resent those that have been to seminary and are clear in their understanding of theology and can write out of those assurances. I resent those who knew early on who and what they were. I resent that I lived in a gray, lost fog for much of my life, and then that I became a drunk, and then … just managed to survive. Yes, I am a survivor but what else am I good for?
Yes, most days I just persist on, hoping that the future is better than the past. Today I’m having a hard time believing in anything.
I feel empty and invisible in a world where stature, and statuses, and lists and mentions matter. And then I feel utterly ridiculous for looking, for caring about those things at all, for being the sort of person that needs assurance of others, the esteem of men in authority, the likes and tweets of writers whom I admire. Perhaps if I get another degree I will finally feel okay.
I sit in church and I am filled with doubt; traversing into the land of agnosticism, as my husband likes to say – he takes day trips, I am living there today. I feel angry, skeptical, pessimistic, fearful and tired.
No, I cannot prove there is a God to satisfy my children.
No, I do not know why some people are so happy, successful and life seems to be so easy, for some.
No, we do not live in the perfect house like so and so, nor am I the perfect homemaker, like so and so’s mom. Nor am I handy, to create the perfect anything.
I need sleep and some days that’s all that it takes to push me over the edge into an ugly place of fear and skepticism.
I read this morning in the book of Psalms, David asked for a sign of God’s favor to help against his enemies.
Who are my enemies? Today they are self-doubt and lack of surety about the purpose of my life. My faith is weak but does this mean God has failed me? My children doubt, push on my beliefs, even fail to thrive, does this mean we are failing them? I look at newborn babies and I am filled with dread. For we all grow up and live lives full of disappointment.
It is amazing how sleep holds one together or lack of it brings a house tumbling down.