Scared. Scared shitless and no plan to make it better, makes for a very hard week.
Too much comparison with others’ lives, careers, talents, jobs, kids, health, weight, even others’ sense of humor. It all kills all my joy. Not enough trust kills my ability to enjoy my incredibly blessed life. Constantly thinking about all the ways that I am frequently scared. Knowing how often I am just plain terrified to breathe.
I used to be a pretender. (Not so) confidently white-knuckling my way through leadership, creativity, people and their problems, service.
I thought I could to anything. And I just about did. Though there was always a price.
But I was scared and my faith, well that was missing. I didn’t have faith in anything and I worried endlessly that someone would find out just how little I believed.
Jesus loves you, this I did not know.
It wasn’t until I lost everything (I thought) and I fell down, down, down into depression, and alcohol, and isolation from good people and into what was for me deep depravity, that I knew Jesus as my source. It was days without God, stretching out for what seemed like perpetuity – no, it wasn’t until I was living those hopeless days and nights that I came to know and believe.
I’m still scared, and I still can’t believe that there is something good out there for me. I sit and sometimes I cry. I just cry hopeless tears and the fear flows out of me, and I ask God for something that only I can do, but then I do the only thing I know.
I lean into the Holy One and rest.
This me, the one you know and see today, she’s no pretender because she’s got nothing left to hide.
Still scared, yes but down low with Jesus, resting in him. Sometimes, when your fear is clutching your heart tight, you’re blinking back the bitter taste of anxiety and you think you cannot bear it another minute, that’s when you must sit and rest in the Holy One.
I’m not saying I know how to do it, only that I know I must seek the sweet release of Jesus.
He took it all, already. The pain, anxiety, addiction, sin, crappy self-esteem, fear and disbelief, lack of self-love, lack of trusting others, lack, all my lack! He already nailed it to the cross.
Why do I keep taking it back down and walk around wearing it like a heavy armor, dragging it through my life, making my days slow and painful. Why?
I know I must give it back to him.
Still scared, yes. But down low with Jesus. Resting in him.