Things I’ve Learned About Myself Along the Way

More and more, probably because of the lull that I had in writing, hardly anyone is reading what I write.

Ironically I stopped writing around 2015 at a time when life was falling apart — our business partner imbezzled, we were bankrupt, our family was in shambles, my mom was diagnosed with dementia and I was her medical POA, and I went back to work, in the company, to help Tom.

My kids were of the age where it mattered what I said about them. I didn’t want to be the writer that regretted telling my kids stories. I couldn’t yet write about the business. Stuff with my mom was complicated. And I was busy!

I gave up my career at a local non-profit to (more closely) raise our kids. But truthfully, mainly, we were just trying to save money on daycare with three kids in diapers and one in middle school. The American dream. Although my “staying at home” was a good choice that I’m glad we made because I can see now how that time was important both to my kids and to the person that I was becoming. I was a workaholic before I quit. And long after. Those were hard years.

It was hard to be at home. This was before social media dominated people’s days.  Before cell phones were attached to us. From 2001 to 2015, I was lonely, hurting, a recovering alcoholic, a workaholic, depressed, anxious and bored.

As I have written copiously about I suffered from depression, and my husband suffered from my depression. This morning he was sharing a song with me, there’s many he’s written, about my depression from his perspective. It’s so sad. I’ve hurt him. The lyrics are beautiful. (See below.)

So I’m comfortable with a small readership, hello reader. I still don’t know what I’m writing for but I have learned a few things about myself in the last decade.

One, I have copious courage and it’s built into my DNA and I don’t fear the opinions of others. I’m more afraid of the idea of sounding stupid or ignorant than of expressing myself. I love expressing myself. Not verbally persay. I’ve gotten more introverted and anxious since retirement. I loathe it, and shall have to overcome it.

Two, I’m an empath. My heart breaks for people. Injustice hurts me, physically sometimes.  I haven’t learned how to control it or protect myself from it yet.

Three I’m generous. I’ll give away the shirt on my back if it would help. I’ll give my last $20 in my wallet. I’ll give generously to a charity as I’m moved. Not frivolously, but carefully. Not when asked directly, that makes me uncomfortable, but as people talk about the needs around me I give.

Four, I love learning. That’s saving me in my “migraine retirement.” Everything I read or listen to leads to further learning. A million more authors, topics, places, and histories. It’s endless. I have a disorganized library at home. I love saving used books the older the better.

Five, I see. The world. People. Hearts. Pain. God.  Bad. This trait has a through line to 1-4. Sometimes that includes my photography or travel. But lately, it has stalled as I’ve been working on my migraines and trying not to despair of ever traveling again. I have a dog, my husband’s dog, who is old but still with us, very anxious without one of us. Tom’s waiting till Comet dies to travel. So I read and collect travel novels. Would love suggestions for the first place to travel to. Or I may go alone.

Six, I can be wise.

I observe well, I am unafraid to express myself, I read, and I may have things to say. We’ll see.

P.S. About my accident, my face is healing with very little scarring. I’m fortunate there.  Now I’m afraid to go for a walk. It’s annoying.

IN THE MEANTIME BY TOM HANSON

In the mean time I am waiting
Through the winter without you
On this thin ice I am skating
Am I falling through?

In the desert I am crawling
In the mean time without you
Is this penance, is it stalling?
Don’t be cruel, don’t be cruel
I miss you

In the mean time I am fading
Won’t you tell me what to do?
A single word persuading
And I’ll wade through
A world of blue
And the waning moon

I know who you are
Yes I know what you are
And I know you won’t go too far
In the mean time

Now in your mean time I’ll be waiting
In these long days without you
Pray your rainclouds will be breaking
‘Cause I miss you
You know I do
I need you