We want in fact not so much a father in heaven as a grandfather in heaven—a senile benevolence who liked to see us enjoying ourselves. And whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, “a good time was had by all.”
page 40 The Problem of Pain, CS Lewis
This is by far not the most profound CS Lewis thought, but it hit me today hard between the eyes. My thinking has been a bit convoluted so bear with me and I will try to come to the point.
I have been living the last five years in a coping mode, sheer survival really; and not “having a good time” not even close. Life has been hard. And it hit me after all this time I still have survivor’s guilt.
Holly deserved to live and by contrast I am less worthy of my life. She was so amazing! I’m a depressive, a recovering alcoholic, sarcastic, some (okay, one sister) would say mean, introverted, easily persuaded that life sucks to be honest, completely a cup half empty person and all the rest. Whereas Holly took hold of her life like a storm, she ran toward life’s opportunities with joy and verve. She was about to go for her PhD for fuck’s sake. I have done nothing with my life by comparison.
She should be alive. Me perhaps not so much.
So, I’ve had this idea of getting all these chicks flying out of our nest and then fade into the proverbial sunset. Be the rock, be the strong one, be what everyone needs from me, until they’re off. And then, what does it even matter?
In my new church, the Black led one, I have found that I cannot stop weeping. I’ve got some deep, deep grief I suppose and well, having decided it didn’t matter what happened to me, a sadness, and a spirit of having given up or just surviving. One Sunday, not long into attending, the usher put us in the middle of the sanctuary – the 50–yard line. There was no hiding, and so I just sat there with tears streaming down my cheeks trying to stop or be invisible. A small, elder Black woman came over, and started praying with “a word for me, did I mind?” There was a word for me today in the sermon. She prayed a powerful, amazing, incredible amount. I don’t remember it all in my mind, but I am sure my spirit remembers. And I did hear something in the sermon – that God doesn’t want me to simply survive these hard years, he wants me to thrive! I heard it and I wanted to believe it. But it has been months and as I have slowly been weeping my way through services, I am starting to understand and believe.
I don’t know what next week, next year or the next several decades holds but I am not going quietly.
I haven’t been having a good time, back to the Lewis quote. I kind of felt that I was owed a good time in life, I have been quite entitled to be frank. But that’s ignorant shit too. This life is hard. People die. People are broke. Companies fail. People foreclose on homes. People can’t afford homes. People lose their jobs. People get divorced. People are murdered.
The problem of pain is that life is full of it.
And there is joy.
There is joy and that’s okay too! I know that it will be okay to grow a garden, gardens are hope. It will be okay to go on a trip. To celebrate 30 years of marriage. To build a study. To buy a camera, to see beauty again. Because even though I can’t promise myself that things won’t go wrong, as someone said to me recently, it might be great! I might find joy.
Thou has created all things and for thy pleasure they are and were created. That’s my core truth. Not my pleasure, God’s. And as I experience joy along the way that makes the creator joy filled too.
Logic & Imagination 