Remembering Daddy

Being the perfectionist that I am, and that my goal for this year is to be FEARLESS, this simple act of writing without editing for five minutes, has become a good thing for me.

Five Minute Friday. 

Five Minute Friday

When I Remember, it’s my childhood and it is pain that floods in. My soul must taste bitter, most of all. I don’t want this, I wouldn’t choose it, but without Grace, remembering Hurts.

That’s me, on the right.

I try hard these days not to live in the past, to settle into that old startled, distress filled and petrified place of childhood fear; that place makes me feel

Broken, that’s the place that makes me feel Useless.

That place of remembering you, daddy,

Hurts.

The fact is that you hurt me.  And when I remember you, my child heart is bursting with your disappointment, your anger, and my tears.  The flood of tears from your slow angry glance.  You just looked at me,

And I fell apart.  And then ironically my tears angered you. What kind of a daddy is angry when his child cries?  What kind of daddy SHOUTs and shakes, when he looks at his little girl?

Crushed by him, my daddy that’s who.

It’s only Grace that helps me forget.  That rewrites on my soul what FATHER means, that changes me, and though it cannot rewrite the past I know it’s only forgiveness that pushes back the memories and covers the pain and eventually, one day, I believe I will be able to remember

Differently.

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. Amy Ward says:

    Wow. What a tough word for you today. I pray God allows your vulnerability to write and remember today to bring you to His gentle and inviting embrace and soothing expression as He looks at you and smiles with pure love over who he created in you.

    My own experience with my dad is so vastly different from yours that my heart hurts for your hurt. Yet, I fear that yours is such a relevant rememberance for others reading today, too.

    Yes, it is His grace that rewrites Father in your soul and spirit and I am thankful for the grace that is at work in your life to do that much needed rewriting.

    From FMF today…the neighbor to your right.

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  2. also visiting from fmf today – i applaud your bravery in sharing this. i heart aches for you but also rejoices as your Heavenly Father is engraving a new image of daddy on your heart. may He continue to love you fiercely and heal your heart.

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  3. idelette says:

    these are the hardest words to write out. mine are mostly in my journals. i am thankful for a God who has shown me what “Father” means too. Pausing with you, here.

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    1. idelette: how have you learned that, re-framing of Father? last year i spent reading through the Bible and I was struck over and over again with how loving our God is. strong. protector. what about you? melody

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Thanks so much for reading and sharing.

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