So much to read, so little time. I know that. If you read nothing else from me in a long while, I hope you’ll read this post. It will not be long. (500+ words, a record.)
I have been writing (and living) out of a place of brokenness for so long that my story has become cliché and not honest – not dishonest exactly, but lacking the truth of my healing …. A fractured painful childhood, a tenuous if bullheaded short-lived career, accidental stay-at-home motherhood, and loss, depression and loneliness, even alcoholism. (And the biggest monster under my bed: being a feminist woman in the evangelical church.)
And now, this season that I cannot label because I am still living it.
Perhaps a place of abundance and healing, if only I would open my eyes and see.
When you are in pain, you tie experiences together to find truth and your story all too easily becomes stuck. I know this. Today. Living the life of Jesus is one of constant transformation. Renewal. Healing.
It is time to live into that healing.
Be the truth that I have experienced. Stop being “the abused child.” Stop being the frantic workaholic archetype striving for meaning in my work and looking for personal value in everything others do and say about me.
Stop living so empty.
Allow the One who fills, to fill me up overflowing.
Will I continue to talk about injustice? You’re damn straight! But I want to do it differently, do it with hope, and grace and peace.
With every part of me, I have wanted to be useful and in my cavernous need to be important I have invalidated myself. My story. For that I seek forgiveness and will endeavor to live out of Jesus’ fullness!
Mine is a story of healing and of transformation. Not because of anything I have done but out of the grace of God and by receiving love from my husband , my children, and from my community of believers.
But by holding on…
to my anger about my upbringing,
to my disappointment with being born woman into a man’s world,
and to my fear that if “allowed to fly” I will flounder, fall, and I will fail. Well,
I have allowed fear to rule and this is the day that it stops.
I want to live like I believe that the One who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it!
I am going to step toward trust.
Trust the words that I wrote today in the poem Nothing and Everything.
The Holy One accepts you for everything you are today and sees who you are becoming. For this Creator God made you, even chose you and is the architect of your life. The Holy One heals, because we sure need a healing. Especially when confronted by the hideous ogre of our envy and pride. The Holy One guides and has a plan.“Even for me?” I cry, in the shadowy, nocturnal hours of fear, anger, twisted truths, ignorance, self-delusion and distrust?“YES, even you” whispers The Holy One.
I am going to step toward a life of abundance. Even for me, my soul quakes? Yes, even you.
P.S. I am so grateful for my husband. And for the community of believers that I am a part of – it is a community of grace and abundance. And I am grateful for my online community which is becoming a rich source of love and support.