Cartoons are blaring. My son is home sick with a high fever and sore throat. (Strep likely. We’ll know later today.)
I sit perched on the edge of my chair here in front of the computer, because my cat Jaz is comfortably lounging on 2/3rd of the seat and today I don’t have the heart to push her off. She was here first.
I keep trying to gather my thoughts. I hear myself sigh deeply and knowing that I haven’t gotten up early all week for my usual alone time with the Word, and God, the lack is weighing heavily.
I know that what I really need in this moment is — time — alone — to — think. Time for contemplation.
Not time on Facebook or time while I do last night’s dishes, or throw another load in the dryer and washer, or pick up the endless toys, socks, books and dog toys for the millionth time. Not time driving my son to the doctor. Not time like that.
Quiet — undivided — time.
How often do we really find this kind of time? I cannot underscore how important solitary, thinking time is for me. It helps me be less impulsive. It centers me. It makes the anxiety, and anger, and disappointments of life fade away and my priorities sift and sort themselves. And when I read on FB about all the things that are “on your mind” I am more circumspect, which is good.
Considering all this — I think I should not write this post. But I don’t always listen to myself.
This is something I have thought about all week. When it all first occurred I definitely tried to ignore it. I kept thinking how obsessive I was clearly being. I kept telling myself I was ridiculous. Absurd. Unreasonable. Perhaps even obsessive, fanatic or narrow-minded. Plum crazy, as my southern grandpa used to say. I tried to ignore it.
Finally it hit me that this not going away. So even if I’m deemed crazy, this is what happened.
My observation: I did not see one woman involved in leading worship or on the platform in any capacity on Sunday. I’ve been thinking about the lack of presence of women in my church. And in the Church. On Sunday, we were simply spectators. On lookers. Witnesses. Receivers. Beneficiaries.
- Furthermore, I cannot remember the last time one of the teaching pastors suggested a book they were reading written by a woman.
- They never quote women or talk about female scholars, probably because they never read female scholars.
- To be honest I can’t remember the last time, if ever, a pastor has suggested or referred to even in passing, or quoted a female theologian, religious author, or historian.
On Sunday, because I my senses were heightened, I even noticed that all the artists highlighted were male, who painted illustration of Jesus on the Cross. If it were only Michelangelo (he’s a genius) mentioned, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. But he (my pastor) put four or five paintings up on the screen all painted by men. (I know, I know, that’s picky right!?) Of course I don’t know enough about art history to know whether there were any female artists who have illustrated Christ on the Cross. I suppose it would take an art historian to find them, because a quick google search by me of Michelangelo’s time was unproductive. So I’m not suggesting that he (my pastor) should have been able to find them. And even if women were painting, they would not be well-known or easy to find. But search for more modern artists perhaps? I’m just saying, we are half the church. That one point is less important, but the entire thing just made me very SAD. And tired.
I am tired of not seeing or hearing from women. Tired of the male dominated culture on the platforms and in the Church at large.
Considering women are half the church I can’t even buy into the argument that there aren’t any to select from, because I’ve been told that very thing. “The women haven’t risen up who have “the gift” of teaching.”) I say, risen up? Not surprising to me in a church with few examples and where there are (still only) male Elders. And where it is clear that this isn’t changing any — time — soon. Besides, it is the rare person who is naturally comfortable with upfront or worship leadership. Many people, male or female but especially female, won’t put themselves forward out of self-doubt, or humility or a combination. I think it is even more likely that there are gifted, wise articulate women who may not be comfortable yet, but have natural instincts and can to be taught, mentored. Who knows?. Will we ever know, if they are not given the opportunity?
To rarely see or hear a woman’s voice in authority or otherwise hurts me and my faith and my journey with Christ. Christ accepts women. He took risks for women. He listened to women. He was the most radical figure of reconciliation and grace in the lives of women! IF only the church modelled their behavior after Jesus.
My experience this Sunday diminished my ability to receive fully from the worship experience. That said it was still was an incredible time. And God continues to speak to me. Perhaps God was saying to me exactly what I heard. I have to confess that I do not want my (feminist*) radar to always go off at church. It is distracting and painful. And I have considered asking God to take it away, shut it up, or get me out of there … But I don’t think he would and I do think that I am in the exact right place for now. As long as I can openly “think” here and have a few people in my life that I can express the pain and rancor to, I’ll survive.
Feminism to me is the crazy belief that men and woman are both human
and deserve the same life, freedom and opportunities
inside and outside the Church.