I could be doing many things right now, my mother taught me that.
I should always comes to mind first. I could, gives breathing room. She had a lifetime of shoulds. She lived for every one. And lost herself. And so, she sits now with her regrets.
I could be cleaning, calling a friend, or washing up. I could be playing the piano, or laughing with ‘Mel & Floyd’ on the radio. Even singing. Or I could be digging outside. But here I sit, with sleepy Jaz by my side. I linger with my heavy thoughts and the radio that is playing Chaka Khan. Now she is wild and so funky. So unlike me.
As the kitten stretches in the sunshine. I sit and wait for the words. For I have poem inside and when that happens, I have learned I can wait. It is not time wasted. Rather, a moment of anticipation. So I go to the screen; the sacred chamber that collects my words and blows them softly way from me. I sit, pondering hard things.
I could be a better lover.
I am earnest and devout, but I lack fire.
I could be a better mom. I sometimes cave. If you’re a parent, you know what I mean.
I could definitely be a better friend.
And should,yes should, take better care of each precious one.
You and I spoke late into the night of our love, desire and longings. Of heartache. Of your loyalty. Of my addictions. And of God. And, of other secret things. And in the moments, when my heart hurt so much as if I was being crushed from the inside out I could only hold on to our love. And know that for all the shoulds that sit there between us; unrequited. Honest disappointments. Pure pain. Still. It’s you and me. And I know, even though our journey together is imperfect I am glad to walk this life’s path with you.
There, it came. The swirling thoughts are out. Not always what I want to say. Not always something I would choose to admit. But always when and what is needed. I suppose the thing I most love about you, is the that though we are imperfect I can wake after such a hard conversation with hope.
April 15, 2010
Marriage. It’s an amazing thing and yet so difficult. I don’t talk about my marriage much but I know that just like all the other things that I write about (childhood psychological abuse, addiction & recovery, motherhood, creativity, insecurities, spirituality & faith, disbelief) everyone has relationships and many people have hard marriages. Mine isn’t difficult, funny enough. Mine is amazing. But we have our things and from time to time they raise their head up and demand attention. I don’t think we should be afraid to talk about it. Like everything it is delicate and precious.