{rough thoughts on love and mortality in the middle years}

I have no business writing when I need to be packing, preparing, paying bills, picking up prescriptions, cleaning house, and washing laundry, readying myself and the family for me to leave town.  These are very drafty thoughts on aging parents, ailing friends, launching teenagers, and being human.     Love and Mortality in the Middle Years Our…

{When You’re Not Qualified to be Alive}

So I’m trying something new.  Picking a subject at random that I seem to obsess about or fixate on, something that grips my imagination in compulsive and ugly ways, (I started with one of my secret obsessions.) I’ll write honestly without  a lot self-editing or controlling “the message” to see what comes out.  No answers….

Today I Said No

Today I said no. I said no to something that might have been sweet and good, something that I would enjoy and that would make me feel good about myself – helping other people.  It was something that was even noble.  Can I be honest and tell you that I need some things to do…

A Poem: I Never Knew Love

  I never knew that love would be so good. Our beautiful chaotic life of music, creativity and ideas. Of trust, values, and goodness. Of dreams. I’ve learned what it means to give up yourself, yes die to self. That’s love to me. Often the world says otherwise. But they don’t have this beautiful chaotic…

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

My heart is heavy.  I haven’t shared these thoughts, thinking that it’s just not kind to be such a bummer during the holidays.  And admittedly, there is much to celebrate — to be thankful for — to enjoy this time of year! Ringing in the new year has been solemn, as my thoughts return again and again…

44 and 40 more!

I know, I know.  Hoky.  But I can’t help it — that phrase is ringing in my  head — “44 and 40 more.” DWELL IN POSSIBILITY. – Emily Dickinson I love, love, love dear Emily D. I have without a doubt found healing and answers in the last few years looking backward.  The truth of…

Just thinking … about agape.

I’ve thought a lot recently about the last decade. How quickly it evaporated.  If you mark your life by major transitions a big one was in 2001 when I quit full-time work at InterVarsity.  In the years since I have grown up — as in separated from my parents emotionally and allowed myself to grow…

When my heart hurts, I wait. (a poem)

I could be doing many things right now, my mother taught me that.  I should always comes to mind first. I could, gives breathing room. She had a lifetime of shoulds. She lived for every one. And lost herself.  And so, she sits now with her regrets.  I could be cleaning, calling a friend, or washing up.  I could be playing the piano, or…

SOME DAY: A poem about Siblings (Not) Getting Along

Some Day Some day I won’t have to ask the question: Why do siblings war? This I know. Tattered hearts are the consequence. It is said by some that soon you will be the best of friends.  And so I listen from the next room, and wonder and think it is said so assuredly, but…

Life Long Yearning

The galactic hole in my heart makes me tired of holding all the pieces together. Tired of doubting. Tired of needing.  Wishing.  Hurting. Crying out in all the ways that speak of your neglect. All my life, Daddy, learning that I am incomplete. So I gorge on all the things that don’t fill. Wishing for…