Longing for Miracles

I had a moment today. I whispered it out loud. “I wish I could turn off my brain.” It races you see.  It pushes and collides, a pinball machine. It drives me. It’s in frequent turmoil, or is that my heart vibrating?  I think so much, I think so hard about things that my head hurts,…

{A [Love] letter to the little girl still inside me}

This post was written as a part of the SheLoves synchroblog: A Love Letter to my Body. (A “synchroblog” simply means people writing simultaneously on the same topic.) Dearest Child, I wish you knew when you were still young and free that the world isn’t out to get you — in fact, the world doesn’t care much about you at all. This…

{How I Wish I Were Different: After Four Years of Sobriety}

I go to the garden. My reasons are messy and fluid, resembling the task. The 95 degree temperature hits me in the face as I sluggishly climb out of my car. Searching the field, I identify three backs bent. I see them from afar. Why am I here? There is no turning back as the heat…

{Enough, Continued …}

Part One of processing the book Enough is here. I read the book “Enough” by Will Davis Jr and wrote my review.  I kinda thought that would be the end of it.  Lesson learned – my More Than Enough, my Plenty, my Abundance can be or IS someone else’s Enough. Such a neat  idea in theory, but…

{I am a Hoarder: A Confession}

I clutch at my stuff, even my money, as if it were mine. I live as if I cannot imagine losing it and yet fearful that I will.   For many years I have wrestled with God’s promises about money, wishing to be more faithful but living as if I must take care of myself. I realized these things…

{A 4th of July Ode to Power & Privilege}

randomly, i was born with more than I can ever even comprehend.  in a nation of liberty founded on the backs of indigenous people, slaves and immigrants. i am white. the blessing of education and unearned power and a fluke of skin color.  I am the child of pleasure and privilege for I have never suffered, never truly…

{A Letter to my Soul}

A letter to my soul if I were giving her permission. Dear self, won’t you be happy? Stop with the endless mental chatter howling and rabid: “You are not good enough.” Just stop, life is supposed to be fun and you my darling young thing should enjoy your life even just a bit. Enjoy your…

{Do you Have a Plan for Your Life? I thought I did.}

Yesterday, I was pulling away and in pain. Of my own creating I always wonder? It’s certainly difficult to ascertain culpability when depression is hereditary and when cycles of pain, withdrawing, insecurity, and self-loathing go back so far in a family’s story.  Still, why do I look for whom to blame when ultimately I blame…

{On Listening for God in the Midst of the Din}

I’ve lived with what I’ll call spiritual insecurity for most of my life, a fear that I don’t know how to hear God.  At some points my younger self thought that I didn’t know God.  Hadn’t given my heart, surrendered fully, perhaps I didn’t even know this creator God, this Jesus who died — for me,…