Grace for those I’ve wronged, because indeed I have. I have hurt with words too powerful, too strong. I wanted the cuts to hurt and I’m ashamed of that desire. Hurting someone because you have been hurt, that’s the opposite of what I believe. Why do our actions so often belie our truth? And what do I actually believe? Why is it wrong to want destruction I ask even as I know it is.
What is grace and can you believe in it, if you no longer “believe.”
To me grace is kindness without reason. Holding your tongue. Not gossiping about someone who hurts you.
That is undeserved. Grace is believing in the goodness of others and yourself. Grace is a desire to be worthy turned into action of all this and more.
Obviously I’m confused. Why are we kind? Why be generous with our attitudes, our words, our motivations when others are just gone? The golden rule presumes goodness in us, if we treat them the way we want to be treated–with kindness.
I wanted so much from my family, a more that they could never fulfill. Or wouldn’t, won’t. I’ll never know. But my codependency on my family was best broken/severed. Sometimes severing a limb is necessary.
severed; severing -(ə-)riŋ 1
: to put or keep apart : divide
especially : to cut off or through
It leaves one with phantom pain. But it’s only indulgence that makes me wallow there in the abstraction of missing. In the perceived unfairness of my wound. Rather than pondering the why. Why was it necessary?
Love hunger is so dangerous, both emotional and spiritual. Ironically my hunger made me willing to hurt a sibling who rejects me. I’m wounded by the separation.
How dare they? It’s oceans of pain washing over me.
But I need to force myself to confront how I could be so vicious. What values do I actually hold to? How did I lose track of them? Why do we hurt those we love (or need approval from) the most? This is the legacy of dysfunctional families.
What will grace look like then? Holding gently in one hand my pain and extending the other, open.
Logic & Imagination 