Many, many times after I write, I think I’m too emotional in my writing. I woke up this morning thinking only of regret. Too out there (sometimes.) Too vulnerable (definitely.) Too emotional and effusive. It is not always easy for me to put myself so far out there.
I got to thinking of the Psalms and how much they reach me because of their free, outpouring or flowing emotions toward God not unlike what I often do. And I was thinking more specifically King David after reading something written by an internet friend.
David was such a mess, at times such a coward and a failure, definitely a letch, but at other times very brave and strong. What he did well was lament and cry out to God!
I just get embarrassed at myself at times. And disappointed that I can’t just “be happy” like so many of my friends, who have crazy joy in the simplest of things. I have written before that I regret not being happy. And others I see who model a raucous family life, full of delight and fun. (I secretly want to be adopted in.) Or even those that know their place is “home” whether that is their own or with their children, because it is so satisfyingly good to be together.
I have such longing for normalcy, but I don’t think it will ever come nor do I know how to create it, most days I’m stumbling around in the dark unsure how to be an adult child much less a Mother. I believe at times might find a kind of peace and contentment, but I doubt I’ll ever find true joy. King David’s life, reflected in scripture shows his highs and lows.
I hope God is honored or at least pleased by our highs and lows. If our faith is deep and genuine, I think we are strong even in our weakness; in our days hounded by our pain and in the days when it is enough just to hold on and to be thankful.
But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. — 1 Timothy 6:6-7 (NIV)
In this season of Advent, of active waiting, I hope that you find, in your high and your low moments, that God is satisfied with you for simply being you. He knows you — made you — loves you and is deeply pleased with you. No, you are not perfect. May you learn this advent season how much our God just wants you to be — to ABIDE with him which means progressively to “await,” “remain,” “lodge,” “sojourn,” “dwell,” “continue,” “endure” with Him.
And of course I am preaching to myself.
Logic & Imagination 
I may not blog publicly, but after every dinner party, Bible study or couples/girls night out, I have the feeling like I’ve been too “out there”.
It passes. No one else is very bothered or at least they are used to me. Some are actually openly admiring of my chutzpah. (And, frankly, some I may have “lost”, but then again you can’t be friends with everyone anyway, and I do okay.)
Your openness is a beautiful thing, especially because I know it is not natural for you in person. You are vulnerable…whether it’s “too” depends more on you than on us, I think. I, at least, learn about you and grow closer to you and pray for you and refer others to your blog, but I don’t judge you or feel that you have been “too” anything.
Hugs.
Meg
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Yeah it is similar. I’m an extroverted blogger I suppose.
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thanks for this — have been in the throes of highs and lows over the past several days since something flipped the magic switch in my brain and everything went south. it’s good to be reminded that i’m not bad for feeling bad.
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