So I got to thinking the other day, how I wish I could find my dad on Facebook or some other social media outlet. An odd, really weird thought I’ll admit, since he died years ago of brain cancer. Before the cancer stole his mind, he was a complex and interesting person. Sometimes he could be one of the kindest people you could know. He knew how to encourage and loved to compliment a person, telling you what he liked about you.
But when the rage came over him, somehow he ‘forgot’ he loved you and that he wanted the best for you, and he’d yell, chide and berate. Castigate. Criticize. Condemn. It is difficult to explain how it happened — starting from nowhere and becoming a living hell — if you didn’t experience it. He could and would utterly demoralize a person.
Still, he was my father. And, I miss him. I think? As I think I possibly do actually miss him the old fear returns. The dull panicky stomach ache.
My life is so much better without him. And I wonder if all my siblings feel that way?
So, I am not so naïve as to believe that we shouldn’t have any difficult people in our lives. I know that my response to my father makes me the person I am today. They shape and form us. But pain is pain. And I was particularly shattered by my father’s treatment. Perhaps it was my temperament and sensitivities. Again, a conversation I’d like to have some day with my siblings is who we are and who we might have been as it relates to him.
Do you have someone in your life that you love, but you know that you would be better off without them in your life? (Not necessarily dead, of course.)