I am very happy to be sober. Full of joy all the time? No. Of course not. No-one is, if they are completely honest with themselves. But being sober equalizes things for me. Brings me back to the middle. I still swing toward sorrow and fear at times. And though still too infrequent I have many, many days of contentment and joy.
I know this for sure, my ability to stabilize the bouts with depression is improved with not drinking, as alcohol is a depressant. You don’t want to believe that when you are drinking, but it’s true that alcohol exacerbates the bleak moments, dark moods, the feelings of despair.
I don’t work a program, though I believe that some of this would be easier if I did. There is a sense, when you are an alcoholic that you’re Alone with a capital A. Alone in a room of drinking people. The world is full of people (my husband is one) that can have a drink or two and stop. Alone in that others don’t have that “thing” that you do, which makes it impossible — to — stop once you have started. The inner compass that directs your soul, that moderates your actions and behavior. That thing is broken when you’re an alcoholic. During the last two years of drinking I just didn’t want to stop. Every time I drank, I wanted more. I was able to control it for a while by not letting myself have access to a lot of alcohol. One bottle of wine in the house at a time or whatever. But an open bar, or party, or what not pretty much guaranteed that I would be plastered.
Anyway, that’s all boring. Being a drunk is sad and boring.
Being sober is beautiful. I can feel my feelings. I can see my kids, hear them, and know them. I appreciate my life, my husband, my blessings. Friendships are sweeter. Writing and photography — all the goodness in my life — is connected to sobriety.
Most of all, I know that being an alcoholic (though at times a real bummer cause I wish I could still drink ) makes me need. I take that “need” and hand it over to God.
I am helpless. Hopeless. Lacking in anything good without God and so grateful to know I am loved.
Tonight in YOGA, I heard God say to me :
B E L O V E D. Over and over again, BELOVED. YOU are deeply loved by me. Let go of what others think of you (or what you think they might think.) Why do you care. The only thing you need to care about now is that you are my BELOVED.
That’s all I need for tonight.
I have written a lot about sobriety both poems and prose. If you ever want to talk about any of this, I am available. I’m no expert, but I’ve been told I listen well and care deeply. firstname.lastname@example.org