I appreciate the care and concern. And thought it would be good to write an update since I fear some may avoid me for my returned melancholia and others will fret and worry for me.
By the time I posted that poem, I was doing somewhat better. Improvement made it possible to write and think and therefore compose those words, stringing them together one after the other into some semblance of poetry. At the very least they were a cry for help, as they say. Ha!?
For days I have looked at my camera and not had the will to pick it up. The last couple of days I have been able to and that is a sign. Though yesterday in my ineptitude I spilled water all over my camera and it may be dead. I am afraid to put in a charged battery and know for certain whether it is gone. All is not lost. I have a better camera bought for the business venture. I don’t know how to use it exactly but I may be forced to learn.
That reminds me. The business of Imagine Photography LLC is finished. Although I love working with entrepreneurs (my father was one) I am not one. And I didn’t enjoy the business of family and wedding photography. I am hanging up my “professional photographer” hat and picking up my Artist’s. Closing the “doors” after three years and it’s somewhat of a relief, though I regret not having the personal umphf to “make it.” Some of my depression may have been triggered by the finality of this admission.
back to the issue
I have certain people for whom I have held on to lack of forgiveness. I feel hurt by them and so I resent. Resentment hurts me and is a self-defeating prophesy in a way. Anxiety, insecurity and fear come in and all of a sudden it is unbearable. Figuring out how to forgive, myself and the other person, is the only way to get past this. This requires time to pray and find the place of openness inside. Right now, my heart is still full of anxiety, it’s pressing down and creating tension and pain. I must do this business of forgiveness to move on.
It is no coincidence that this all started right after I wrote the poem about forgiving my parents. I wanted something powerful from that ‘gift’ of writing it for my church. My ego wanted it. And ironically, what has come of it is a humbling (er, humiliating) experience of being battered down by my weakness, frailty and continued inability to be a forgiving person.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” [Lewis
B. Smedes, The Art of Forgiving.]
This is the journey. This is only one piece of it but it is imperative that I figure it out. What a joke to be a follower of Christ and hold on to resentments and pain. To live held captive. To live without joy. To live bound and controlled by our fear and bitterness.
I know this is not right. I am humbled by my mistakes and want to climb out of this hell hole I’ve sunk into. That’s only accomplished one fragile experience at a time, as I listen and respond to the nudging of the holy spirit. I am so relieved to know there is a way out of this.
Feeble though I may be, I respond. There’s strength to be found in that.