For a long time I have felt a growing disquiet and troubled feeling about my days. Because of the nature and pattern of them, I could endlessly sit and take in all that’s going on in the greater world. And because of my propensities, my heart hurts anew each time I read something: about the raping of women in Congo, genocide in Rwanda, plight of girls in China and Afghanistan, homeless in America, immigrants, undocumented kids who grew up in the US, poor black kids in my city, incarcerated Black men, young unwed mothers, gays and lesbians I know are not really welcome in my and most evangelical churches, the plight of women in the evangelical church, racism …
… over and over, it hurts to read it all and want to do something. I almost went to New Orleans during Katrina, I almost went to Cambodia, I dream of doing a lot of things, dream only dream…..
I haven’t felt passionate about anything specific in a long time.
In my twenties I worked with high school students at my church. I loved that and gave up a part-time job just to travel with the kids to Florida Keys to camp. I went along on two Global Projects with college students to Kiev and Moscow. I was not very well equipped for either of those opportunities but my heart was in the right place. I loved taking survival backpacking or camping trips in high school. The challenge really motivated me. I like to push myself. I am charged by effort, hard work, sweat on the brow, and I love being in the natural world which fills me up when I stay in it. I love to travel. I love to learn, study, get lost in a topic, get lost in book. I love to take photographs. I am a wordsmith. I write poetry. I blog. I wonder what I should do with it all. I dream of publishing a book of poetry and photography.
I am considering all this, where my leanings are, and asking “What is my one thing?”
So, I’m asking those that know me, would you help me define myself?I haven’t had a clear picture of myself in years.
What is it that I could be doing? I am listening, praying, asking friends.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not looking for definitive answers about God’s purpose for my life, my time and energies. I can only hope that God will continue to change me so that I might live peacefully with that purpose as it is revealed to me.
I know that the things I have learned over the last ten years about myself, the pain worked through, present opportunities for understanding and have a purpose.
May I face whatever is ahead with courage, honesty, and integrity.
Chime in won’t you. Pop me an email on Facebook or firstname.lastname@example.org or if you’re comfortable write something here.
P.S. Some of my favorite movies of all time, without thinking hard about it, just off the top of my head: The Mission, The Killing Fields, Broadcast News, The Whale Rider, and more recently: Up. What do they say about me?