The main expression of my spirituality has been this little church that I go to, and my sobriety. The path of recovery and—I’m a terrible Christian and meditating is very hard for me, and I do it. I do it badly, like I do a lot of things. I believe in doing things badly. I believe in listening to the—what calls you from your heart and your spirit and if you do it badly, like learning to dance, you do it badly or you’re going to kick yourself when you grow old and you meant to do it. — Anne Lamott.
Listening to my heart, even if done badly
is better than never having done it. My heart is glad
to be sober. When I consider how many mornings I woke
with a hangover present
and the headaches. Dread and regret were loudly
pounding on my soul. God woke me up, as he has done so many times.
what was most important. My hunger.
The black hole of fear and isolation?
I knew I wanted something. But not this. Broken-hearts are so unimpressed
with being sober. But finally
it was, in the end, better to let go. To know
that I was awake. Loved.
And I remain with him. My need. I give it all.
I look for beauty now and find it. Some day I will stop
searching. For now I am just with him. And it is enough.