It’s interesting to be so brazen as
to think that you understand forgiveness.
You may grant it to others. You may think you know
something, in the granting of it.
And then, it is only then
after that when you fail miserably.
It is almost beyond your own ability to comprehend.
You, as only you can, call from within your mind and heart the unguarded, profoundly wrong words.
The anger is historic, visceral, blood-thirsty and full of hate.
It comes writhing out of you, out of your mouth and in that moment
even as you don’t honestly care who you hurt, you know what has been said
cannot be undone. You said it. It is done.
Never mind that she was your equal. Equally vicious and also her father’s child. Cruel and unkind.
Still, the pain you provoked cannot be undone and for a moment it is clear
Thoughts crowd in : “I never said…” “I didn’t mean…” The feeling of worthlessness threaten to overwhelm.
You are spent. You must face the truth.
Do you seek forgiveness? Or do you wait and wait it out?
No time stretches longer
than the lingering, the waiting for grace, gentle and undeserved. Fear looms
as your heart pounds in your chest. Days are spent hoping. It is no trifling thing, this longing for mercy.
And so you submit to the marking of time and wait,
wanting to believe
in forgiveness. It is undeserved but will be welcome.
April 2, 2010 Melody Harrison Hanson