Free To Love One Another or Afraid to be Free?

“if you loved me you’d let me die…” I went with a reluctant, heavy expectation to the Maundy Thursday service. My child’s words ringing in my ears.  My need was great. It hit me, sitting there.  I was in the middle of the Community of God, but felt utterly alone.  And it was all my fault. For I have…

The Writing Life, the Power of Voice

Life is pathways that become our Story; where we meet the Holy One and God renews us.  These realities run parallel to one another, making life unbelievably complex. I am a woman, a mother, daughter, and sister while being a life-partner and friend.  And I’m a writer, a creative photographer, a poet, bringing logic and imagination…

My Crazy Slow Surrender to Life’s Beauty

Life is worn and tearing, and this makes me profanely angry. I hear a baby cry in the distance, just a simple need for succor and in an instant, I’m filled with Memory—Grief for What’s Lost. For when it was my breast, feeding the cry, when mine were young, I did not understand The Wonder. …

Remembering Daddy

Being the perfectionist that I am, and that my goal for this year is to be FEARLESS, this simple act of writing without editing for five minutes, has become a good thing for me. Five Minute Friday.  When I Remember, it’s my childhood and it is pain that floods in. My soul must taste bitter,…

I BELIEVE, HELP!

I cannot see the future. That’s what makes today hard faith, not constructs, conjecture or speculation. This is faith in the Present Personal God. And the unknown, unwritten, unlived days ahead, and today a (not so) Simple Practice. Today I have my need, absurdly. My inability to hope beyond a millisecond, my fear, my lack…

Waiting to be Born

What is waiting to be born inside me, hope and delicate, childlike faith and courage.  I am wrecked, at the moment.  Empty, consumed, used up and useful to no one. This life is too much to bear. I’m waiting for it. I’m wavering, it is flickering within enough to burn. Bright and on, or out….

[I Asked God for More] than Motherhood

I woke up on Sunday full of lament. The depression that had been crushing me was now a throttling choke. I woke up straining. Strangled and gasping for air, for truth, for relief; I woke up. I woke up on Sunday already giving up. Begging for it, the answer to the question depression always asks:…

adrenaline rush

awake these two nights, washed over with adrenaline. the bad kind that comes at the wrong time. lurking, an enemy brandishing itself, harmful. this energy, so important to survival, fight my body is saying. only it’s got it all wrong, just as I lay down.  just as I surrender. dopamine and endorphins, in the middle…

All is Grace, Part One: the Story of Sober Me

Have I turned any other direction but to sit with my pain? No saint here, bound and praying. I couldn’t quit all the vices, they were many, without God’s quiet stillness ushered in. A moment of need and prostrate humbled, obviously being a fallen down drunk, I opened. In later years, when life wasn’t still,…

The not quite believable Miracle: there is Power to Change

I have a big problem with trust.  It’s as if I’m expecting a colossal smack down from Life. The question I’m always asking myself is do I make it happen, with my fear and negativity? This existential question cannot be decided simply, not today. I do know that I often withdraw from life. I’m afraid of things,…

{Life and Death in 25 Lines}

His homework was to write a poem. Tell us a childhood memory. He wrote, The Week my Grandpa Died in 25 lines. Over two sautéing onions, tears.  I’m choking on them and the meat and spices, Mom, is this too hard? Mom, do you need a hug? Mom, I need to give you a hug he says coming…

{Nightmares and Day Dreams: For Our Children}

bad dreams we free fall together. an enormous wall, grows looming. the waves rise and fall the pull of the tide, a wall in the distance threatens drowning. i grab for her, shouting “raise your head.” and still, it comes. “Childhood: that happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep.” (Unknown) I have always believed…