All is Grace, Part One: the Story of Sober Me

Have I turned any other direction but to sit with my pain? No saint here, bound and praying. I couldn’t quit all the vices, they were many, without God’s quiet stillness ushered in. A moment of need and prostrate humbled, obviously being a fallen down drunk, I opened. In later years, when life wasn’t still,…

{Life and Death in 25 Lines}

His homework was to write a poem. Tell us a childhood memory. He wrote, The Week my Grandpa Died in 25 lines. Over two sautéing onions, tears.  I’m choking on them and the meat and spices, Mom, is this too hard? Mom, do you need a hug? Mom, I need to give you a hug he says coming…

{Nightmares and Day Dreams: For Our Children}

bad dreams we free fall together. an enormous wall, grows looming. the waves rise and fall the pull of the tide, a wall in the distance threatens drowning. i grab for her, shouting “raise your head.” and still, it comes. “Childhood: that happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep.” (Unknown) I have always believed…

{Apart and Away}

I’m worn-out; tired as I’ve never been before. Weary in a not sleepy frantic hungry and hysterically wild frightened, nothing-is-working, everything is falling Apart and away. Restless and abysmal [unable to talk because some problems are not for public consumption.] I lay arrested, in the midnight hours, whispering Jesus, what are we going to do?  Some…

{Ten Thousand Tears}

My tears are welcome. I see them splattered, dried on my glasses as I peer out the window into the wintry, cold, gray, foggy morning; tiny specks on the panes of my eyeglasses. I wipe hard at these dried salty witnesses. They are a record of my sodden heart. Ten thousand tears come raining down. The soil of…

{It Was the Depression Talking}

“We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain…” Hebrews 6:19 it was the depression talking whispering lies. my ears so full of its waxy, clingy dishonesties. I couldn’t hear Yahweh’s sweet voice. once I stumble into the fog, abruptly I lose…

What If All Your Life You Believed A Lie? You Are Too Broken.

The morning air is all awash with angels …  – Richard Wilbur You cannot unbreak a broken stick. This morning, I awoke to a sense of life’s forfeiture.  I am broken. I’ve lived half my life, if my mother is to be believed I’m only in my middle years, as if I am a broken stick;…

I Asked God for Help {Part Two}

I asked God to help. That is the key, assent; Letting down. Holding out and open, my hands. Release. When everything hurts, when chaos has taken over and I cannot even imagine Solutions, That is the key Letting down, holding out. When fear of outcomes prevails I asked God for help, I ask. Ask again,…

(On Being Human — A Prayerful Poem)

We will go soon, and I’m afraid. I laid awake last night, wondering.  And in the meantime, since. I thought and thought.  My brain hurt for thinking so hard. When does rationality belay trust in God? Our souls churn, the crushing Weight of heart ache. We are sore from it.  Sleep won’t come And it’s 3:30 in the…

{Morning Specters}

Early, before it’s decent to be awake I startle. Up. This is the hour When fear takes hold and when I cannot reason With facts or data.  I seem to be a pawn in somebody’s cruelty. Self-pity, Fear and something akin to panic passes through Me. Whispering, wailing and contemptuous. Still, if I’m fortunate, and…

{We Are All Dying}

The crawl of fear, of losing, is close.  It licks me, as if I am a salty wound.  Everyone dies. Of course. But lately, I am aware of Life all around me healthy or otherwise. Tiny birds are singing a sonnet, high up in the tree. Cancer cells are growing inside a dear old friend. Dementia and…

{When You are Clutching at Hope}

Is it enough to strive? to want, to work, to try your hardest. Is it enough? There are no guarantees. Friendships flounder, parents betray, marriages flop or fizzle, children flail. life hurts immeasurably sometimes, is it enough to try harder? To do your best, when your best just doesn’t make it all — work —…