[Ten Things I have Learned to Battle Depression]

Living with depression, while functioning as an adult, leads to many hard days.  I thought why not offer the top things I do to stay mobile – that is, able to move freely or easily even while depressed, if only for a few hours each day in the middle of this illness. Get out of…

(On Being Human — A Prayerful Poem)

We will go soon, and I’m afraid. I laid awake last night, wondering.  And in the meantime, since. I thought and thought.  My brain hurt for thinking so hard. When does rationality belay trust in God? Our souls churn, the crushing Weight of heart ache. We are sore from it.  Sleep won’t come And it’s 3:30 in the…

{Morning Specters}

Early, before it’s decent to be awake I startle. Up. This is the hour When fear takes hold and when I cannot reason With facts or data.  I seem to be a pawn in somebody’s cruelty. Self-pity, Fear and something akin to panic passes through Me. Whispering, wailing and contemptuous. Still, if I’m fortunate, and…

[BE FEARLESS]

My word for 2012 was ABUNDANCE. Even as I chose that word — abundance, I wasn’t totally sure; seriously, what was I thinking resounded the echoing voices? I have never lived a so-called abundant life.  Was it even possible? Most of my childhood, and early adulthood, I spent afraid, crouching. And I’ve been unable to choose joy, as I’ve…

{We Are All Dying}

The crawl of fear, of losing, is close.  It licks me, as if I am a salty wound.  Everyone dies. Of course. But lately, I am aware of Life all around me healthy or otherwise. Tiny birds are singing a sonnet, high up in the tree. Cancer cells are growing inside a dear old friend. Dementia and…

{anxiety is a rabid dog}

anxiety is a dog. not like mine, fluffy and sweet. anxiety is a killer dog, rabid. I am eaten up, chewed on.  I am consumed. ++++++ “Those who do not feel pain seldom think that it is felt.” – Samuel Johnson, From The Rambler

{When Up is Down}

Up is down And down is up.  God is real To me.  And doesn’t exist To others.  I pray And God does not answer. Others pray And seem to know. Up is down And down is up. I have too much. Others don’t have enough.  I am stuffed Others hungry. My heart aches and others…

{a house comes tumbling down}

Strange how life works, I didn’t sleep – and because of it I am in a bleak, dark place.  I’ve had two nights in the last few weeks where I quite literally lay awake all night long – not awake enough to do anything productive, but not resting deeply either. The result is I’m sick…

{on feeling the crazies and hoping, still}

some days just are. crazy that is, when you wonder how to catch your breath.  and realize in a shocking moment that you may not be taking in h20.  and yet miraculously you’re still alive. panic, dread and fear threaten to consume. some internal, perfectionist voice screaming: this can’t be right? how can parenting be so hard?…

Longing for Miracles

I had a moment today. I whispered it out loud. “I wish I could turn off my brain.” It races you see.  It pushes and collides, a pinball machine. It drives me. It’s in frequent turmoil, or is that my heart vibrating?  I think so much, I think so hard about things that my head hurts,…

{Enough, Continued …}

Part One of processing the book Enough is here. I read the book “Enough” by Will Davis Jr and wrote my review.  I kinda thought that would be the end of it.  Lesson learned – my More Than Enough, my Plenty, my Abundance can be or IS someone else’s Enough. Such a neat  idea in theory, but…

{What it means to FEAR HIM}

Fear has always chased me and won.   It clamors at me through perfectionism and anxiety to the point that my reflex response to life is to fear it.   I’m certain it is the crux of my depression. Even so, it was some kind of miraculous act of God that brought me Tom to share…