All is Grace, Part One: the Story of Sober Me

Have I turned any other direction but to sit with my pain? No saint here, bound and praying. I couldn’t quit all the vices, they were many, without God’s quiet stillness ushered in. A moment of need and prostrate humbled, obviously being a fallen down drunk, I opened. In later years, when life wasn’t still,…

{Ten Thousand Tears}

My tears are welcome. I see them splattered, dried on my glasses as I peer out the window into the wintry, cold, gray, foggy morning; tiny specks on the panes of my eyeglasses. I wipe hard at these dried salty witnesses. They are a record of my sodden heart. Ten thousand tears come raining down. The soil of…

{Fly Away From Me: On Children}

I woke up this morning, the sun creeping in earlier than I wanted.  Coming out of my dreams, I felt grief wash over my body, sore from running daily; I felt the years wash over me physically.  And fear. I am afraid for all the time—lost.  Gone. My children are almost grownup into people, yet…

{A Cautionary Tale of Sobriety}

When I first began this blog in 2008, it was (in many ways) a place to process my alcoholism and recent sobriety.  I felt very alone and thought, why the hell not?  One of the first things I wrote was a poem (of sorts) titled It’s Lonely Here on The Wagon. That poem chronicled the…

I Never Wanted to be Like My Mother

I never wanted to be like my mother. My mother stayed for more than 40 years in a marriage that broke her heart.  She admits now that she was afraid. She married in the late fifties, when women couldn’t even have a bank account in their name.  She was a teacher and worked to put…

I was in Love…with Vodka, Wine and Gin

On the eve of my birth week, I want to take a moment to remember where I have come from, now that I am three plus years sober.    While purging and organizing books this week I came across a little orange index card that I wrote to myself while I was working hard at accepting my…

Being Broken by Addiction

My dog Comet is being groomed for the first time today and as I was dropping him off I glanced over at the magazines. I was drawn like a bee to pollen by the cover of  Brava Magazine.  It had an article about the secret addictions of women in Wisconsin, aptly titled The Silent Treatment….

You Are Not Alone – Thoughts on Sobriety.

At times I detest that I am an alcoholic. It’s damn inconvenient.  Those are the days that it seems the whole world drinks – except me and perhaps James Frey. I dreamt of drinking last night. That scares me a little, because in my dreams I seem to “forget” that I can’t drink.  Now that’s…

I Thirst [a poem]

I THIRST by M.H. Hanson (originally posted December 7, 2010, updated December 7, 2011) I do not know where the words come from. They are like water that gushes from a spigot. I don’t question their existence.  Only quickly place the bucket of my heart underneath praying my confession. Come. And as I try to catch  it I Hope that the…

It’s Lonely Here on the Wagon

So I quit drinking a while ago. It was the right decision, for me. I am addicted. I am an alcoholic. I never expected it to be easy; or for life to remain static. As I see it, I am more present; I am more awake than I have been in years. Don’t get me…