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beautiful resolutions

I did not write these, but I must say they are beautiful and I resonate with them.

  1. I will live in the present moment. I will not obsess about the past or worry about the future.

  2. I will cultivate the art of making connections. I will pay attention to how my life is intimately related to all life on the planet.

  3. I will be thankful for all the blessings in my life. I will spell out my days with a grammar of gratitude.

  4. I will practice hospitality in a world where too often strangers are feared, enemies are hated, and the “other” is shunned. I will welcome guests and alien ideas with graciousness.

  5. I will seek liberty and justice for all. I will work for a free and a fair world.

  6. I will add to the planet’s fund of good will by practicing little acts of kindness, brief words of encouragement, and manifold expressions of  courtesy.

  7. I will cultivate the skill of deep listening. I will remember that all things want to be heard, as do the many voices inside me.

  8. I will practice reverence for life by seeing the sacred in, with, and under all things of the world.

  9. I will give up trying to hide, deny, or escape from my imperfections. I will listen to what my shadow side has to say to me.

  10. I will be willing to learn from the spiritual teachers all around me, however unlikely or unlike me they may be.

Resources for spiritual journeys: http://www.SpiritualityandPractice.com.  Spiritually Literate New Year’s Resolutions by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat

To read mine, go here.

a crooked road to home (a poem)

a crooked road

by Melody Harrison Hanson
December 31, 2009

Mama, I never thought being an adult child would be so hard.

being an adult child, of an adult who – is – a – child.

Reader. If you’re confused,
welcome.  It is a crooked road, full of twists I cannot define.  I cannot see to the other side.
I cannot look back, because I would slip on the path of unshed tears.

Mama, I get nothing from you.  Nothing for weeks. Before that, nothing

for as long as I can remember.

And I’m trying to figure out what’s going on. I’m trying to figure out what you want?  Do you want anything

[ from me?]

You never reach out.  You never check in.

Should I just assume you’re fine. You don’t want or need anything from me?

Reader. If you’re confused,
welcome.  It is a crooked road, full of twists I cannot define.  I cannot see to the other side.
I cannot look back, because I would slip on the path of unshed tears.

Mama, you can act like I’m not here.

Invisible.

Someone else’s child.

And [I think] I could live with that

if you didn’t act like you DON’T act

like that.  If you didn’t pretend

you are you.

If you didn’t pretent

You are the Mother.

Reader. If you’re confused,
welcome.  It is a crooked road, full of twists I cannot define.  I cannot see to the other side.
I cannot look back, because I would slip on the path of unshed tears.

And why, I think ,can I not be the adult?

Why can’t I make the calls, do the diligent thing? Why,

because I am somehow a little girl

waiting and hoping, for mama to Come Home.

I have a lot of poems about my feelings about parents… You can read them by going here:  https://logicandimagination.wordpress.com/tag/my-poetry/

Mel

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Resolutions for 2010

My New Years Resolutions …

I will Learn. See. Respond. Be …

  1. I will give more of my time, voice, and energy to the disadvantaged, oppressed, and forgotten in my community. (Immigrants, LGBT, homeless, unwed mothers, the illiterate.)  To put myself in situations where I am the ethnic minority.  If given opportunity, I will tell their stories through word and image.
  2. I will grow more of our own food.  I will learn to can.  I will shop locally, especially community based privately owned businesses.
  3. I will save more, spend less. I will live on a budget. I will continue to not buy clothes for myself for a year, until October, 2010.   I will use the library.
  4. I will help us be a connected family. I will turn off electronics while the kids are awake. I will turn off electronics 4-8pm. And do more together. (e.g. Go to ballgames, the symphony & opera,  plays (The Lion King), go camping, …)  We will call cousins and other family members.
  5. I will continue to work at staying depression free. I will work the 12 steps.  I will exercise every day, if only 20 minutes.  I will taper off Effexor.
  6. I will write for an hour every day of the work week.  About … What I am thankful for.  What I want to know.  What I think.  Who I need to hear from.
  7. I will read with intentionality. (On race, gender & the church, faith, poverty, global issues …)
  8. I will play my piano and find an avenue to sing.
  9. I will work on a photography project with the goal of a gallery showing and work on a website for online sales & exhibition.
  10. I will take Tom to Big Ben before he’s 50.

A year of  images : the people, places and things. I shot this year. (This will take you to a SET of my photography on the www. flickr.com.  Click on SLIDE SHOW in the upper right hand corner when you get there.)

Be well, friends.  Be well.  And if you feel like it, drop me a word about what you’d like to accomplish in 2010.

whatever you did not do for one of the least of these

My house is warm and I sit here comfortably in front of my laptop, the Christmas lights twinkling in the background.  Tom’s face is glowing from his own laptop.  It’s quiet and the music from this short film (below) is playing.  Please watch this short film.

It’s difficult to think about homelessness now, during this season of comfort and beauty, intimacy with family and friends, connection, goodness and abundance.  But you see it is only that for some of us.  For many Americans next Friday, Christmas day, will be like this Friday, and the one that comes after that.

Tonight, anywhere from 700,000 to 2 million people are homeless in America. The homeless population is about 50 % African-American, 35 % white, 12 % Hispanic, 2 % Native American and 1 % Asian according to the National Law Center on Homelessness and Poverty.

Last year was the first year on record, according to an annual study conducted by the National Low Income Housing Coalition, that a full-time worker at minimum wage could not afford a one-bedroom apartment anywhere in the country at average market rates.

At this time of such warmth, figuratively and literally, I think we should stop for a brief moment and reflect on our abundance.  I was struck during the climate change talks in Copenhagen, the spokespeople for the poor nations of the world kept saying things like: “You are not serious about global warming, because it doesn’t make any difference in your day to day life.  We are because it is a matter of survival.”

What does God think about our national greed and selfishness?  The homeless in our inner cities or on State street here in Madison, the teenagers hanging out in malls and public areas covered in piercings and goth clothing, the workers at Copps grochery store who clearly hate life and quite possibly hate you too, the cashier at the gas station clearly not from “here”, or the faceless people on the receiving end of food banks that our churches and school supply? What does God think about children going to be hungry?

What do you or I think about these people who if we actually notice them push us outside of our comfort zones?

I wonder who is just surviving this holiday — literally.  Who is hungry.  Who is cold?  And what I should do about it?

Jesus said:

“I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.” (Matthew 25:45).

I don’t have the answers, but I think it is worth asking ourselves what then should we do?

Some reads about Homelessness:

  • Without a Net: Middle Class and Homeless (with Kids) in America, (Viking Adult, 2005), Michelle Kennedy, about her experiences being homeless for several months in 1997 after her marriage fell apart.
  • Tell Them Who I Am: The Lives of Homeless Women (Penguin,1995), Elliot Liebow, demolishes the anonymity of the homeless. Skillfully blending a social scientist’s objectivity with humanitarian concern, he observes women who live in a variety of shelters near Washington, D.C.–how they interact with one another, family and shelter staff; pass their days; and struggle to retain their dignity in the face of rejection by society.
  • Lastly, this is a moving set of images of women striving to survive and feed their children from the New York Post (if I remember correctly.)

A year without new Clothes

I have always been the sort of person that appreciates aesthetics which I think are an outward expression of a person’s creativity.

I wrote here about how I decided to buy no clothes for myself for a year.  Confronted by our consumer culture and my own guilty part in it, as well as trying to raise my daughter and sons with the values I deeply believe in, I was surprise by how much I wanted to do this and was also scared that I was too weak to carry out this commitment.  A part of me also wondered how I might change if I weren’t so conscious of myself and weren’t “consuming” all the time.   In just a few months I am aware of how much we HAVE.

God has worked on my relationship to money for years, especially when I quit working (for money) nine years ago.

My relationship with money is somewhat dysfunctional. Being a missionary kid, I grew up with hand-me-downs (from my sister, who got them from the missionary barrel.  Yes, there is such a thing.  A place where missionaries go to get clothing others have discarded.  Like the Goodwill, but free.)  So as a teen I became laser sharp in my awareness of the latest styles which I would never have.  It was an unhealthy habit but I spent lots of internal energy on my lack. Although my parents were good and generous people, and we never really lacked anything important, I thought we did.  I always had what I needed, but not what I wanted.

So as an adult God has been pruning away at my fixation on external.  The thing in me when I am down on campus that notices subtle changes in college style trends.   Or what’s happening in magazines.  Or what the old money people wear and have.  I see these things and I want their life.  I pay attention.  And I really loath it, but it’s been a long road of coming to believe that it really matters not a whit in who I am.  Not really.  A Land Rover versus a Honda.  A Coach bag vs. TJMaxx.  Cashmere vs. a blend.  Anthropolie vs.IKEA.  My mind is always running on these lines and I know it is superficial and ugly.  I am loved without all that, … aren’t I …

But the missionary kid in hand-me-downs just isn’t quite sure she believes.

My thoughts are very often superficial.  I’ve had the moments in the last two months of freaking out as I really, really want something and then I breathe and step back and realize there is very little that I actually need.  As I walk away from a pair of boots, I realize that what I have is enough.  And I am so blessed and it is sufficient.   And besides in my current life of slogging after children, and trooping around town to carry out various tasks, my feet simply need comfort and warmth, not style!

After the first few days of living with this pledge it was a matter of changing my mindset of always being on the prowl for the “find” — the deal I can’t live without —  and I found I actually began to have much more time, energy and confidence for new ideas and what I might do with my time and resources.  I had a lot of ideas.  And a flurry of writing.  And my mind and heart were full of potential.

I have much more empathy.  I spent a recent snow day worrying over and over again about the school kids who I know eat breakfast and lunch at school — would they be hungry today?  Would their parent/s have to miss work or would those kids spend the day unsupervised, while I and my children enjoyed snow angels, hot chocolate and baking cookies.

Our abundance overwhelms me and I hope I am more present  in our bounty.

So although I am still aware of what others are wearing, conscious of magazines and television’s pressures, this adventure of living without new clothes is helping me learn a little better who I am.  I have more time to BE.  And to hangout and do things with my kids, and that can’t be purchased!

It really is priceless.

clever by emma

I know I’m a proud mama, but this poem is amazing.

clever

by emma, 12 years old

I am witty and clever.
I wonder why people fight.
I hear everything.
I see people.
I want fairness.
I am witty and clever.

I pretend I can fly.
I feel weightless.
I touch the cold metal.
I worry about change.
I cry like crazy.
I am witty and clever.

I understand pain.
I say ‘laughing is good.’
I dream about life.
I try so hard.
I am witty and clever.

I hope you keep your nose clean in 2010!

When I told him that I was going to use the ‘nose pickin’ shot for our Christmas photo, he protested loudly. So I asked, “Then why did you stick your fingers up your nose?” And he looked at me like why – would – I- not?  Oh, the innocence of being eight.

remembering being eight

When I was eight my parents decided to move. We were pulled out of school in tropical Papua New Guinea where we had grown up.  We were put up a grade level, when we arrived in southern California.

My few memories of that time were not understanding what was going on at school, having a make fun of me, having an Aussie accent, missing my life long friend Carol, all of a sudden noticing clothes.  Bell bottoms were in and my father had white leather shoes and belt, which he wore with brown bell bottoms and a dark shirt Oh yeah, he was stylin’!

We took vacations to woods of northern California to visit my aunt Beth and uncle Loren (my father’s sister) and and got to sleep in a tent. Picking blackberries and then eating the best blackberry cobbler in the world made by my aunt, warm from the oven! We also visited cousins over Christmas, also in northern California, who were older  by a few years, and I thought were cool! They listened to “Rock Music” which my father thought was “of the Devil” — which made them even more cool.

But I also remember this was when I started not doing homework. Thinking I wasn’t smart. Hiding in my room. Trying to be invisible. Reading thousands of books, while I was hiding in my room, being invisible and not doing homework.  (This happened later in Texas as well.)

traditions past and present

Now I have my own family and I’m trying to figure out what traditions from our childhood are important to me. We had things imposed up on us when we were children. It was never “shall we read a Christmas story together?” but rather “Come in here and listen to Dad read a story. Now!” I mean what kid doesn’t want a story read to them? Unless they are never given the option to say no. Sorry, I digress.

Traditions: Reading Christmas stories, putting together a Christmas puzzle, cutting down our tree and putting it up over Thanksgiving weekend, baking Christmas cookies and sharing them with friends and neighbors, making fudge for friends & Tom’s colleagues, going to church on Christmas eve, … what are your favorites? I told you I’m working on developing mine.

dwelling on the past

I’ve have felt convicted of the fact that I dwell so much on the past. It’s true that I do at times seem stuck and unable to let go of my past. Unable to resolve things in the past and unable to live in the now. Guilty as charged.  My excuse to myself is that I have a memoir in there and I need to get it written and then let it go.  We’ll see.

friendship

Of late, I’ve also been convicted of the fact that I am not a very good friend. I am so afraid of rejection and I am lazy. My feelings parallel the feelings of my kids at times and I am saddened because I am 43. I should be at a better place. If it’s any consolation, our matriarch is even more isolated than I am.

buy nothing for myself

You may have been wondering how the ‘buy nothing for myself for 365 days” project is going? I made that pledge to myself on October 7th and thus far I have stuck to it. I can’t tell you how many times I have this impulse to go shop for myself because I was feeling down. It’s like crack! But the high doesn’t last.

So no, I have not bought:

  • a new coat, though mine feel out of date (as in not bought this year.)
  • new boots, even though boots are ‘it’ this year, long leather boots. And mine are almost ten years old and my brown pair are suede.  Who buys suede boots in Wisconsin, though beautiful they just might be the most impractical thing I have ever purchased.  You can’t wear them 90% of the year because of a) snow or b) it’s too warm.  …But no I haven’t bought either brown or black.
  • I didn’t buy a Christmas outfit which ended up being no big deal.  I mean what is that anyway.  I don’t really like any of the red in my closet.  “I’m not a red person” as my kiddos would say, though I’ve been told I look good in it.  My son says he’s not a “collar person.” Sigh, we still have some work to do.
  • I haven’t purchased pants even though mine are all tight (e.g. I am fat) and I’m just going to have to lose the weight.
  • Not bought new tights even though some oldies have holes.  (Sorry) Wear them with pants.
  • And I have not bought the cute, cute cute hats at the craft shows I’ve attended, and pins, and … stop.

I go to my closet daily (like everyone does) and I try to come up with something interesting and I have to say that it has been fun. I appreciate what I have much, much, much more.  I have been more creative and I often find myself thinking, “What- were- you- thinking?” when you bought that!?  Because I don’t try anything on so I have lots of things that fit only so so. What a stupid thing.

When I do shop for myself again, in 2010, October, I will always try it on, I will care about quality over price, perhaps spend a little more on things that I know I will wear a lot. The quantity of my shopping in the past has forced me to buy lower quality and as I look at what I have I am seeing it differently all of a sudden. Truly seeing my stuff is priceless.

And finally, (I hope you will) watch this astoundingly simple and profoundly good video on consumerism.

http://qideas.org/video/consumerism.aspx

I have to admit that it is difficult to not get caught up in the idea that Christmas is about presents.  I love giving them!  But, it’s all a part of a giant addiction too and I for one want to quit.

As for my other ones, I am happy to say that I am alcohol free 17 mos, and nicotine free 9 months!  Yay me.  I am proud of myself.  Though it hasn’t been all me – having a family keeps me accountable.  And I do believe that God is giving me extra strength to endure times when it may be difficult.

This is not some official report on the year, just had a number of things bubbling around in my brain.

P.S.  I did NOT use this photo for our Christmas photograph.  :-)

get.me.off.this.ride

hey!  is anyone listening?  yeah you. God!

i.wanna. get. off. this. ride. you. got. me. on.

i am not the One you think I am.

i. am. not. good.

i. am. no. good.  i am no different from him.

oh i may not let the rage outside. but the stream of anger is W.A.I.L.I.N.G.

inside. polluting. my. mind. like. a. pinball. arcade. pow. pow. pa pow.

get. me. outta. here. i. say. get me away from your Children.

away from the hunger.fear.grief.self-hatred.shame.need.regret.poverty.addiction.cold.

your people are so c o l d.  cause old.man.winter’s blowin’ in.

give back, He whispers. you are forgiven.

the warm Breath of His Spirit Swirls Around.

Give back. You can.

And then I begin to hear it, the rhythm.  The pulse inside me and out. A quiet far away beat. Tu – tu – TU.  It’s repeated in my heart.  My stomach.  My soul.  My head.  It tickles my ear. It moves in my feet.   give.you.can.give.

Give. You. Can.  Cause you are forgiven.  I am hope.

I say Now that’s enough reason. Yeah, I hear you now, Tu – tu – TU whispered to me.  Yes, I am stepping back in.

They refused to obey. And they were not mindful of Your wonders that you did among them. But they hardened their necks, and in their rebellion they appointed a leader to return to their bondage.  But You are God, ready to pardon, gracious and merciful, slow to anger, abundant in kindness, and did not forsake them. 
[Neh. 9:17 (NKJV)]

Advent Lament: My Endless and Voluminous Need

Some have said Advent is an opportunity to walk into the dark night of the soul, as Nouwen called it. This works for me.  As I sat in church yesterday I felt unsettled and angry.  Stirred by the challenges of my life I felt a heightened awareness of my need — my endless and voluminous need.

For some weeks I have had a growing sense of discomfort.  This happens to me from time to time, though years can pass in between.  It is a strange unwelcome melancholy that affects me emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  In can bring a new level of understanding, a softening, an unfolding of my heart.

But in what I have come to know as predictable, my inner self resists.  I find myself becoming angry, distrusting, and irritated.  I do not know why I respond this way, only that it has come enough times in my life that I recognize it.  It may take me a while, days or weeks to finally see it for what it is, but then as I face it, the unsettling of my soul, I understand why nothing seems right, no one pleases me, and everything is causing a level of increasing frustration.

Especially expectations of Christmas, stated and unspoken.  I am overly aware of money or lack of it, kitsch or classy decorations, who is spending or not, and how special I can make things for my children and family.  This focus on material becomes enormous, crowding out what’s going on inside me.

My every sense is magnified. My heart tells me it is impossible to resolve all the conflict in my heart.

For the first time in a while I responded by writing a lament to God.  Restricted by the scenario at church of time and space, everyone jotting down on a small piece of paper their gratitude, praise or a lament, I resisted at first.  Then, I quickly wrote from my heart:

Tell me what you want me to do.  Speak.

Hearing God speak is one of my greatest places of doubt as a believer.  Oh, God does speak to me and when he does I am always totally blown away by its clarity.  But still I live mostly in the in between riddled with unfaithful doubt.

As a voracious reader, the world of blogging has opened up to me an instantaneous flood of information and I’ve gorged on it of late.  As is my nature, I tend to go to the extremes.  I have found hundreds of insightful people and blogs.  I wish I could read them all daily but my world around me would fall to pieces in disarray if I did.

Early this morning I read a summary of a presentation by the Rev. Dr. Christopher Beeley, professor at Yale Divinity School.  It put into words this cycling of despair, response, growth in a way I have not been able to understand or summarize myself. Don’t you love it when that happens?  Beeley presented:

“a three-step process of faith formation offered by John Newton and developed from a reflection of Newton’s on the parable of the sower. The first step is “Desire.” A person might feel “elation” and “joy” or “relief.” The sense of desire propels one into church with a sudden surge of awareness of God’s grace and love. This first phase is like the Hebrews freed from Egypt, it brings with it a sense of elation. While the sense of desire and God’s love persist they also change with time leading to the second phase.”

“The second phase is “Conflict.” This is the “dark night of the soul” phase where one wrestles with God, with faith,and often faces challenges that were not experienced in the first phase of Desire. If Desire is marked by elation like that of the Hebrew freed from slavery, this phase is marked by a sense of being lost, the Hebrews wandering in the desert for 40 years. This is a time of growing more dependent on God and deepening our trust as we travel through one challenge after another.”

“The second phase leads to the third phase. Newton is careful to spell out that one is not necessarily a better believer or person in one phase or the other, rather one’s sense of dependence on God increases through each phase. To me this phase sounds a bit like what the Buddhists call “Detachment.” This phase is marked by a shift in emotions where one becomes less emotionally engaged in the challenges and more able to view them with some distance, having put one’s trust in God.”

“…These phases, A, B, and C were not linear but perhaps a spiral that repeats over and over through life.” (emphasis mine).  Grace in the Blade by John Newton, three phases beginning on page 171.

As I sit fully within the Conflict stage, naming it helped me immensely.  I can say that my spiritual path has wound around and around in that spiral my entire life.  It wasn’t until I read these thoughts of Newton that I understood what was happening.

Much of my spiritual journey has involved doubt, restlessness and pain.  As I listen to those believer’s whose ‘faith’ seems to be pure saccharine goodness, I’ve felt constantly in revolt!  That has not been my experience!

My spiritual experiences have been marked by questions and confusion as I wrestle with the strange truth of this radical person Jesus and the rest of scripture and reconcile them with real life; Christians whose lives are tinged with hypocrisy, the weakness of my own dark heart, and a life riddled with iniquity.

As I learn to cry out as I did yesterday, I am certain that He will respond.  Advent for me will be a time of listening, and so I wait.  I wait for him to speak and tell me what to do.  I wait for Him to speak.

What am I grateful for? Updated daily (almost). How about from time to time?

Science has proven that people who express their gratitude daily are 25% happier and significantly healthier than those who don’t—and doing it takes as little as a minute a day!

Here’s what I wrote about Gratitude a year ago.

11-23-09 — Monday — I’m thankful that most of the accidents of life are not serious. My son had a straw in his mouth, was running … (I know, I know.  How in the world did I let that happen? Well, guess what?  Kids do stuff when you aren’t looking!)  It was jammed into the back of his throat, apparently not by his sister whacking him with her book, to the right of his uvula across the soft palate.  I am grateful nothing terribly damaging happened though he can’t eat.  It hurts to swallow or yawn and he cried non-stop last night as we tried noodles, Keefer, and other soft foods, finally discovering the only thing that didn’t hurt was milk.  But he hasn’t done any lasting damage.

11-24-09 — Tuesday — Today I spent a 1/2 hour getting PT on my cheek for “clenching” my jaw which has given me TMJ.  And although I am obviously really grateful for this care, I am incredibly grateful to have health insurance. Because this is one of those things that I would not have sought treatment for if I had no insurance.  Or get my eyes checked soon.  Because I’ve been waking up with headaches about three times a week for unknown reasons.

11-25-09 — Wednesday — It’s 5:30 am and I wake early in order to get a minute with my coffee and thoughts before I rouse the children.  I am grateful for these few minutes.  I want to be a more intentional person, directed by purpose rather than the winds of the kids.  Their moods right now are gale winds (especially the tweener) that knock me sideways more often than not.  I am grateful today for new days, second and third and on and on, the chances to make this day a good one. Whatever may have happened yesterday can be set to rest and this day can begin fresh.

11-26-09 — Thursday — Ironically I wrote nothing on Thanksgiving about what I was thankful for, but I enjoyed and was grateful for a full tummy and family to share it with.

11-27-09 — Friday — Something’s going on and I can’t put my finger on it.  But I am feeling funky — Not thankful at all.

11-28-09 — Saturday — I am thankful for my dear friend Jeanette, who in the midst of a health struggle with the pain of living with MS and health insurance stupidity, and everything else, continues to express her creativity and verve for life through her art. She is an inspiration.

11-29-09 — Sunday — I am thankful for the anguish of the soul because it brings me closer to understanding.

11-30-09 — Monday — So grateful that I my questions and crying out to God are okay.  Grateful for my spiritual journey which is often more full of doubt and questions than understanding.  But when it comes, the clarity and Truth are so good.

12-1-09 — Tuesday —  Good people in my life that love me enough to be honest with me — so often I need that kind of love.

UPDATE on TMJ: Turns out the mouthpiece I got isn’t really helping though I’m going to give it more time. The doctor asked: Are you under stress? Me: well, I guess it’s relative. I quit smoking this year. And drinking I say almost as an afterthought. “My God” the doctor says. I can’t do either. Am I under stress? What a question. Anyway, prognosis. He said: I need Yoga, or Mindfulness work, or Meditation, or hypnosis, or some kind of therapy: …

12-2-09 — Wednesday —  Somehow I lost this day.  Does that ever happen to you?

12-3-09 — Thursday —  So thankful!  Parenting is one of my greatest challenges, as I have  no compass.  I doubt (almost) every move I make!  I am reading a great little book on this, (though the title is a little too enthusiastic.) The TurnAround Mom: How an Abuse and Addiction Survivor Stopped the Toxic Cycle for Her Family–and How You Can, Too!

12-4-09 — Friday —  Thankful for Health Insurance. A great pediatrician that I love as a person and trust as a doctor. And weekends, though I have to say that it isn’t much different than the week for at at-home parent, except they have eight more hours to make the house dirty!!!!! Yes, I am bitter and all of a sudden don’t seem thankful.

I am thankful that my annual Mole/Skin violation (check-up) produced no more skin cancer! I guess last year’s discovery was an anomaly.

12-5-09 — Saturday — Two things I am most grateful for today:

1) That I am sober. And although I do not know what this life will hold — sober — I’m taking it one day at a time.

2)  That my anger is strong but I don’t take it out on my family.  I don’t quite know how to work through it but I don’t hurt my family.

12-15-09 — Wednesday — Our incredible abundance.  May we have generous hearts.

12-19-09 — Saturday — A warm home.  More food than I can eat.  Love.

Am I welcome at a Juneteenth celebration?

Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable… Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Even as I write that title, “AM I WELCOME…” I’m thinking this is not about you, Melody! And it is most decidedly not, except in the fact that we white people are a part of the problem.  We’re afraid to talk about race, racism, ethnicity, and even good things like Juneteenth. If we don’t talk about it, we won’t take part and if we don’t take part thus perpetuates the ignorance and fear.

So here I go, knowing ultimately it’s not about me, but I don’t want to be afraid of acknowledging and raising awareness for white people.  I want to say, hey people this is a good thing!

I believe it is worth noting that Wisconsin Gov. Jim Doyle has signed a bill that makes Juneteenth Day a legal holiday in Wisconsin.  (It’s too bad the NPR headlines are leading with the end of puppy mills in Wisconsin, not this. But I always see the ‘cup half empty.’)

I have to be honest, I’ve been afraid or uncertain if I was welcome at Juneteenth celebrations.  OK, to be brutally honest, I have been unwilling to put myself in a context of (potential) discomfort.  Yeah, that is what I know is true deep down.

Ten years ago, when we were church shopping,  we attended Fountain of Life, a black Pentecostal church committed to multi-ethnicity, about two or three times.  (I even know the pastor, Alex Gee, but he wasn’t there while we were.)  But in the end it was too hard to be different.  I know, ew.  That was hard to admit.,  It sounds awful.  I have to imagine being in that scenario all the time, every day, is terribly difficult. (Mostly white churches, organizations, schools.)  I can only imagine what it is like to be a minority all the time — I was exhausted after a service there. I mean I like to move, and raise my hands (I do that frequently in worship) , but I was so self-conscious of my stiff-white-person-moves!   So, not for only those reasons but including them I walked away.  I guess because I could.

Perhaps I jumped into the deep end, with church, and Juneteenth will be a chance to dip my toe in.

If you don’t know on June 19, 1865, Union soldiers sailed into Galveston, Texas and announced the end of the Civil War.  The order given to free the quarter-million slaves residing in the state.

“It’s likely that none of them had any idea that they had actually been freed more than two years before. It was truly a day of mass emancipation. It has become known as Juneteenth.”  Read more history here.

Celebrate the end of slavery as a holiday?  Regrettably, most white Americans will read that headline and think, uh, what’s the big deal?

The recognition also is a chance to foster dialogue in the community, said J. Vincent Lowery, assistant professor in humanistic studies and history at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay. Lowery’s work focuses on memory and race relations.

“I think that it really represents an opportunity for the state of Wisconsin … to have open conversations about the history of race relations in America,” Lowery said, “not just as they relate to emancipation, but the much larger freedom struggle.”

I look forward to it!  Can I attend the Juneteenth celebration and not feel like a fifth wheel?  Did I just say that?   Our state is recognizing that we should all celebrate the end of a disgraceful part of our history.

Today Juneteenth commemorates African American freedom and emphasizes education and achievement. It is a day, a week, and in some areas a month marked with celebrations, guest speakers, picnics and family gatherings. It is a time for reflection and rejoicing. It is a time for assessment, self-improvement and for planning the future. Its growing popularity signifies a level of maturity and dignity in America long over due. In cities across the country, people of all races, nationalities and religions are joining hands to truthfully acknowledge a period in our history that shaped and continues to influence our society today. Sensitized to the conditions and experiences of others, only then can we make significant and lasting improvements in our society.

As Dr. Lowry said it is important to remember.  I think it’s also good to feel the discomfort of being a minority, to stick your toe in the water!  And grab a hand of someone you don’t know  and to begin to talk.

Or perhaps it would be best to listen***…

Have you attended a Juneteenth celebration and if so what was your experience, as a white person or person of color?

***If I’ve done or said something in this post that is offensive culturally or otherwise would tell me (melhhanson@yahoo.com)?  While I want to talk about race and feel the risk is worth it, I would never choose to offend.  Never.  I want to learn.

Finding my Voice.

(There is a caveat at the end.)

Of all the things that I do not understand in the Bible,

these verses about women top my list.

Oh, I know how some interpret them,

but I don’t feel resolution in my heart.

Historically and culturally, they make a little more sense in the time that they were written.  And I know the Bible wasn’t written to us today, but written for us as followers of Jesus so how they are being interpreted by many parts of the Church makes no sense to me.

 

  • “A man is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man.” (1 Cor. 11:7) –– Inferior to men?
  • “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner” (1 Peter 3:7)  — Weaker than men?
  • “As in all the congregations of the saints, women should remain silent in the churches.” (1 Cor. 14:34)  –– Silent?
  • “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man.” (1 Tim. 2:12-14) — Should women not have authority over men?
  • If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off.” (1 Cor. 11:6)  Must we cut our hair off if we don’t cover it?  I just added this one to poke at the cultural differences.

This is just a sampling ….  Those verses exist in the New Testament books of the Bible and they are up for great debate.  Some people even believe in picking and choosing, some of them are to be followed but not others, which is really silly.  But I don’t want to debate. 

I would like to share some of my feelings about this, because I have thought about this for some time.

The Church does not seem to believe in women.  This undermines our voice in relationships with men as well as in our churches. Underlying these ideas [which say women are subject to men when it comes to the leadership of a church] seems to be these messages sometimes bravely said  out loud and most of the time very subliminally communicated:

  • the belief that women are somehow not quite able to interpret God’s Word,
  • or gain the wisdom needed to lead the church,
  • and definitely don’t have the Godly authority necessary to speak and teach (except to each other and children).
  • Lastly women are not allowed, by edict of scripture, to be elders of the church.  This job trusted to males only.

They do this, because of some of the NT scriptures and yet there are many stories in the Bible of Jesus lifting women up and giving them a voice.

I have thought about two, one being in the Old Testament, Ruth  the Moabite and the other is the five women that visited the tomb of Jesus, four of whom were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, Salome and Joanna.  The other is not named.

Ruth the Moabite

There is a story told in the Bible of a woman who led had great influence over a man named Boaz.  Her name was Ruth. a Gentile, an outsider, crop picker  in the fields near  Bethlehem, and she was a follower of Yahweh. Out of her experiences in life grew a perspective and heart that she turned into a strong voice.  Boaz listened to this poor, foreign female as she reinterpreted the Jewish law for him.  Boaz  was a Jewish landowner who strictly obeyed the Mosaic gleaning laws.  But if you were poor and hungry, I would bet the gleaning practices and interpretations would look very different to you than if you were a land owner.   The letter of the law said, “Let them glean” and in doing so you are being generous.  The spirit of the law Ruth said was “Feed them.”  And, Ruth’s perspective opened up a scenario Boaz hadn’t even considered.  And he fed them.

What does it mean as a woman to have a Voice in the church?  It isn’t just about the authority of eldership, it is more subliminal and it is frustrating and difficult.  I have spend years and years of sitting, thinking, stewing, praying, studying, learning, crying, hurting, and wondering.

Ruth seemed to offer Boaz a missing perspective, a compassionate perspective.  Boaz followed the letter of the law, and Ruth followed the heart of the law leading God’s people to sacrifice for the good others.  And I wonder, how many times a female perspective might have changed the Church, might have changed my church, if women were enriching the highest leadership conversations, the Biblical understanding, and the richness of creative perspective and ideas .

When it comes to my church, there are those that would argue that women are in every level of the church, except Elders and ordained ministers.  And that is true. They would say that some day things might change and even go so far as to say, “What I personally believe is women should be elders.”   And I want to push back and say … how long do I have to wait?  If something is true then let’s be the prophetic voices for our generation of women who are at some point going to reject the form of Christianity that excludes them. Your exclusion of me, relegating me to pour the communion wine but not serve it, reminds me each time it happens what- you- really- think- of- me.

No, I will not impulsively or unthinkingly walk away from the church.  No, not today.  But I will reconsider how I hear and interpret your teachings in light of what I know you think of me.

The 12 and the five.

I leave you today with this reminder of the twelve disciples and how they served Jesus in the end.  It was the women who were full of faith — Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, Salome and Joanna and one unnamed.

Among the many things that need to be said about the gospels is that we gain nothing by ignoring the fact that Jesus chose twelve male apostles. There were no doubt all kinds of reasons for this within both the symbolic world in which he was operating and the practical and cultural world within which they would have to live and work. But every time this point is made – and in my experience it is made quite frequently – we have to comment on how interesting it is that there comes a time in the story when the disciples all forsake Jesus and run away; and at that point, long before the rehabilitation of Peter and the others, it is the women who come first to the tomb, who are the first to see the risen Jesus, and are the first to be entrusted with the news that he has been raised from the dead. This is of incalculable significance. Mary Magdalene and the others are the apostles to the apostles.  [By NT Wright.]

I believe.

I believe that all people are equal before God and in Christ.  I am coming to understand that I will be held responsible for NOT using my gifts and NOT obeying my calling, as will everyone. I believe God freely calls believers to roles and ministries without regard to class, gender, or race and that the body of Christ, in gender, in race, in culture is beautiful when we are all serving.

I must remember it was the women who were full of faith.  And as I sit in the pew and consider what the Church is saying to women and I’m thinking to myself “let’s just get on with it.” Perhaps I will.  I might just get on with the service to the poor, the widow and the prisoner and find some place where my Voice is considered with mutual affection and attention.  Listen, there is so much about this that I don’t get.  So much about the Church that I don’t understand.  But I can’t believe that a loving God would give me, and half the church, these abilities and talents and ways of thinking that are up to a point appropriate. The glass ceiling of the Church (and my church) seems to be eldership and ordination.

The Voice inside that draws me to stories like this and makes me wonder and question what I am hearing, could it be the voice of God?  Am I supposed to feel this disconnect?  Am I supposed to feel the strength of conviction that I do, that I am doing what needs to be done; to think, and write, and grapple with and yes, gripe at times.  Am I a Voice that needs to be heard?

What do you believe?

*** the caveat ***

Of course I know that there are denominations that are more welcoming to women.  And there are days that I wonder what I’m doing.  But I am not only at this church for me, I have children who are coming to the age of influence and decision and will need the voices of youth leaders.  Tom and I felt, at one point, that we were supposed to go here.  (Mostly Tom but still…) because we both needed to be challenged, to have soul-changing business done in our hearts and that happens for us weekly.  And I believe that my quite, droning voice will some day make some difference.  Some day, some how.    And, quite honestly I have run from opportunities at this church because of my painful departure from InterVarsity and a doubt in myself that I had anything to offer because of that experience.  It’s taken me years to sort this out.  Frankly I was only coming to an understanding of this as I spoke up for Asian Americans and women in the Deadly Viper fracus, that I heard my own Voice and woke up.

I read a lot of stuff, blogs and articles and at some point today I did read an article on this website about Women in Leadership where I was reminded of the story of Ruth and the idea of her using her voice with Boaz.  I got that tie-in from the article but I can’t credit it because I can’t find it.  Apologies to the author.