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get.me.off.this.ride

hey!  is anyone listening?  yeah you. God!

i.wanna. get. off. this. ride. you. got. me. on.

i am not the One you think I am.

i. am. not. good.

i. am. no. good.  i am no different from him.

oh i may not let the rage outside. but the stream of anger is W.A.I.L.I.N.G.

inside. polluting. my. mind. like. a. pinball. arcade. pow. pow. pa pow.

get. me. outta. here. i. say. get me away from your Children.

away from the hunger.fear.grief.self-hatred.shame.need.regret.poverty.addiction.cold.

your people are so c o l d.  cause old.man.winter’s blowin’ in.

give back, He whispers. you are forgiven.

the warm Breath of His Spirit Swirls Around.

Give back. You can.

And then I begin to hear it, the rhythm.  The pulse inside me and out. A quiet far away beat. Tu – tu – TU.  It’s repeated in my heart.  My stomach.  My soul.  My head.  It tickles my ear. It moves in my feet.   give.you.can.give.

Give. You. Can.  Cause you are forgiven.  I am hope.

I say Now that’s enough reason. Yeah, I hear you now, Tu – tu – TU whispered to me.  Yes, I am stepping back in.

They refused to obey. And they were not mindful of Your wonders that you did among them. But they hardened their necks, and in their rebellion they appointed a leader to return to their bondage.  But You are God, ready to pardon, gracious and merciful, slow to anger, abundant in kindness, and did not forsake them. 
[Neh. 9:17 (NKJV)]

Advent Lament: My Endless and Voluminous Need

Some have said Advent is an opportunity to walk into the dark night of the soul, as Nouwen called it. This works for me.  As I sat in church yesterday I felt unsettled and angry.  Stirred by the challenges of my life I felt a heightened awareness of my need — my endless and voluminous need.

For some weeks I have had a growing sense of discomfort.  This happens to me from time to time, though years can pass in between.  It is a strange unwelcome melancholy that affects me emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  In can bring a new level of understanding, a softening, an unfolding of my heart.

But in what I have come to know as predictable, my inner self resists.  I find myself becoming angry, distrusting, and irritated.  I do not know why I respond this way, only that it has come enough times in my life that I recognize it.  It may take me a while, days or weeks to finally see it for what it is, but then as I face it, the unsettling of my soul, I understand why nothing seems right, no one pleases me, and everything is causing a level of increasing frustration.

Especially expectations of Christmas, stated and unspoken.  I am overly aware of money or lack of it, kitsch or classy decorations, who is spending or not, and how special I can make things for my children and family.  This focus on material becomes enormous, crowding out what’s going on inside me.

My every sense is magnified. My heart tells me it is impossible to resolve all the conflict in my heart.

For the first time in a while I responded by writing a lament to God.  Restricted by the scenario at church of time and space, everyone jotting down on a small piece of paper their gratitude, praise or a lament, I resisted at first.  Then, I quickly wrote from my heart:

Tell me what you want me to do.  Speak.

Hearing God speak is one of my greatest places of doubt as a believer.  Oh, God does speak to me and when he does I am always totally blown away by its clarity.  But still I live mostly in the in between riddled with unfaithful doubt.

As a voracious reader, the world of blogging has opened up to me an instantaneous flood of information and I’ve gorged on it of late.  As is my nature, I tend to go to the extremes.  I have found hundreds of insightful people and blogs.  I wish I could read them all daily but my world around me would fall to pieces in disarray if I did.

Early this morning I read a summary of a presentation by the Rev. Dr. Christopher Beeley, professor at Yale Divinity School.  It put into words this cycling of despair, response, growth in a way I have not been able to understand or summarize myself. Don’t you love it when that happens?  Beeley presented:

“a three-step process of faith formation offered by John Newton and developed from a reflection of Newton’s on the parable of the sower. The first step is “Desire.” A person might feel “elation” and “joy” or “relief.” The sense of desire propels one into church with a sudden surge of awareness of God’s grace and love. This first phase is like the Hebrews freed from Egypt, it brings with it a sense of elation. While the sense of desire and God’s love persist they also change with time leading to the second phase.”

“The second phase is “Conflict.” This is the “dark night of the soul” phase where one wrestles with God, with faith,and often faces challenges that were not experienced in the first phase of Desire. If Desire is marked by elation like that of the Hebrew freed from slavery, this phase is marked by a sense of being lost, the Hebrews wandering in the desert for 40 years. This is a time of growing more dependent on God and deepening our trust as we travel through one challenge after another.”

“The second phase leads to the third phase. Newton is careful to spell out that one is not necessarily a better believer or person in one phase or the other, rather one’s sense of dependence on God increases through each phase. To me this phase sounds a bit like what the Buddhists call “Detachment.” This phase is marked by a shift in emotions where one becomes less emotionally engaged in the challenges and more able to view them with some distance, having put one’s trust in God.”

“…These phases, A, B, and C were not linear but perhaps a spiral that repeats over and over through life.” (emphasis mine).  Grace in the Blade by John Newton, three phases beginning on page 171.

As I sit fully within the Conflict stage, naming it helped me immensely.  I can say that my spiritual path has wound around and around in that spiral my entire life.  It wasn’t until I read these thoughts of Newton that I understood what was happening.

Much of my spiritual journey has involved doubt, restlessness and pain.  As I listen to those believer’s whose ‘faith’ seems to be pure saccharine goodness, I’ve felt constantly in revolt!  That has not been my experience!

My spiritual experiences have been marked by questions and confusion as I wrestle with the strange truth of this radical person Jesus and the rest of scripture and reconcile them with real life; Christians whose lives are tinged with hypocrisy, the weakness of my own dark heart, and a life riddled with iniquity.

As I learn to cry out as I did yesterday, I am certain that He will respond.  Advent for me will be a time of listening, and so I wait.  I wait for him to speak and tell me what to do.  I wait for Him to speak.

What am I grateful for? Updated daily (almost). How about from time to time?

Science has proven that people who express their gratitude daily are 25% happier and significantly healthier than those who don’t—and doing it takes as little as a minute a day!

Here’s what I wrote about Gratitude a year ago.

11-23-09 — Monday — I’m thankful that most of the accidents of life are not serious. My son had a straw in his mouth, was running … (I know, I know.  How in the world did I let that happen? Well, guess what?  Kids do stuff when you aren’t looking!)  It was jammed into the back of his throat, apparently not by his sister whacking him with her book, to the right of his uvula across the soft palate.  I am grateful nothing terribly damaging happened though he can’t eat.  It hurts to swallow or yawn and he cried non-stop last night as we tried noodles, Keefer, and other soft foods, finally discovering the only thing that didn’t hurt was milk.  But he hasn’t done any lasting damage.

11-24-09 — Tuesday — Today I spent a 1/2 hour getting PT on my cheek for “clenching” my jaw which has given me TMJ.  And although I am obviously really grateful for this care, I am incredibly grateful to have health insurance. Because this is one of those things that I would not have sought treatment for if I had no insurance.  Or get my eyes checked soon.  Because I’ve been waking up with headaches about three times a week for unknown reasons.

11-25-09 — Wednesday — It’s 5:30 am and I wake early in order to get a minute with my coffee and thoughts before I rouse the children.  I am grateful for these few minutes.  I want to be a more intentional person, directed by purpose rather than the winds of the kids.  Their moods right now are gale winds (especially the tweener) that knock me sideways more often than not.  I am grateful today for new days, second and third and on and on, the chances to make this day a good one. Whatever may have happened yesterday can be set to rest and this day can begin fresh.

11-26-09 — Thursday — Ironically I wrote nothing on Thanksgiving about what I was thankful for, but I enjoyed and was grateful for a full tummy and family to share it with.

11-27-09 — Friday — Something’s going on and I can’t put my finger on it.  But I am feeling funky — Not thankful at all.

11-28-09 — Saturday — I am thankful for my dear friend Jeanette, who in the midst of a health struggle with the pain of living with MS and health insurance stupidity, and everything else, continues to express her creativity and verve for life through her art. She is an inspiration.

11-29-09 — Sunday — I am thankful for the anguish of the soul because it brings me closer to understanding.

11-30-09 — Monday — So grateful that I my questions and crying out to God are okay.  Grateful for my spiritual journey which is often more full of doubt and questions than understanding.  But when it comes, the clarity and Truth are so good.

12-1-09 — Tuesday —  Good people in my life that love me enough to be honest with me — so often I need that kind of love.

UPDATE on TMJ: Turns out the mouthpiece I got isn’t really helping though I’m going to give it more time. The doctor asked: Are you under stress? Me: well, I guess it’s relative. I quit smoking this year. And drinking I say almost as an afterthought. “My God” the doctor says. I can’t do either. Am I under stress? What a question. Anyway, prognosis. He said: I need Yoga, or Mindfulness work, or Meditation, or hypnosis, or some kind of therapy: …

12-2-09 — Wednesday —  Somehow I lost this day.  Does that ever happen to you?

12-3-09 — Thursday —  So thankful!  Parenting is one of my greatest challenges, as I have  no compass.  I doubt (almost) every move I make!  I am reading a great little book on this, (though the title is a little too enthusiastic.) The TurnAround Mom: How an Abuse and Addiction Survivor Stopped the Toxic Cycle for Her Family–and How You Can, Too!

12-4-09 — Friday —  Thankful for Health Insurance. A great pediatrician that I love as a person and trust as a doctor. And weekends, though I have to say that it isn’t much different than the week for at at-home parent, except they have eight more hours to make the house dirty!!!!! Yes, I am bitter and all of a sudden don’t seem thankful.

I am thankful that my annual Mole/Skin violation (check-up) produced no more skin cancer! I guess last year’s discovery was an anomaly.

12-5-09 — Saturday — Two things I am most grateful for today:

1) That I am sober. And although I do not know what this life will hold — sober — I’m taking it one day at a time.

2)  That my anger is strong but I don’t take it out on my family.  I don’t quite know how to work through it but I don’t hurt my family.

12-15-09 — Wednesday — Our incredible abundance.  May we have generous hearts.

12-19-09 — Saturday — A warm home.  More food than I can eat.  Love.

Am I welcome at a Juneteenth celebration?

Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable… Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Even as I write that title, “AM I WELCOME…” I’m thinking this is not about you, Melody! And it is most decidedly not, except in the fact that we white people are a part of the problem.  We’re afraid to talk about race, racism, ethnicity, and even good things like Juneteenth. If we don’t talk about it, we won’t take part and if we don’t take part thus perpetuates the ignorance and fear.

So here I go, knowing ultimately it’s not about me, but I don’t want to be afraid of acknowledging and raising awareness for white people.  I want to say, hey people this is a good thing!

I believe it is worth noting that Wisconsin Gov. Jim Doyle has signed a bill that makes Juneteenth Day a legal holiday in Wisconsin.  (It’s too bad the NPR headlines are leading with the end of puppy mills in Wisconsin, not this. But I always see the ‘cup half empty.’)

I have to be honest, I’ve been afraid or uncertain if I was welcome at Juneteenth celebrations.  OK, to be brutally honest, I have been unwilling to put myself in a context of (potential) discomfort.  Yeah, that is what I know is true deep down.

Ten years ago, when we were church shopping,  we attended Fountain of Life, a black Pentecostal church committed to multi-ethnicity, about two or three times.  (I even know the pastor, Alex Gee, but he wasn’t there while we were.)  But in the end it was too hard to be different.  I know, ew.  That was hard to admit.,  It sounds awful.  I have to imagine being in that scenario all the time, every day, is terribly difficult. (Mostly white churches, organizations, schools.)  I can only imagine what it is like to be a minority all the time — I was exhausted after a service there. I mean I like to move, and raise my hands (I do that frequently in worship) , but I was so self-conscious of my stiff-white-person-moves!   So, not for only those reasons but including them I walked away.  I guess because I could.

Perhaps I jumped into the deep end, with church, and Juneteenth will be a chance to dip my toe in.

If you don’t know on June 19, 1865, Union soldiers sailed into Galveston, Texas and announced the end of the Civil War.  The order given to free the quarter-million slaves residing in the state.

“It’s likely that none of them had any idea that they had actually been freed more than two years before. It was truly a day of mass emancipation. It has become known as Juneteenth.”  Read more history here.

Celebrate the end of slavery as a holiday?  Regrettably, most white Americans will read that headline and think, uh, what’s the big deal?

The recognition also is a chance to foster dialogue in the community, said J. Vincent Lowery, assistant professor in humanistic studies and history at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay. Lowery’s work focuses on memory and race relations.

“I think that it really represents an opportunity for the state of Wisconsin … to have open conversations about the history of race relations in America,” Lowery said, “not just as they relate to emancipation, but the much larger freedom struggle.”

I look forward to it!  Can I attend the Juneteenth celebration and not feel like a fifth wheel?  Did I just say that?   Our state is recognizing that we should all celebrate the end of a disgraceful part of our history.

Today Juneteenth commemorates African American freedom and emphasizes education and achievement. It is a day, a week, and in some areas a month marked with celebrations, guest speakers, picnics and family gatherings. It is a time for reflection and rejoicing. It is a time for assessment, self-improvement and for planning the future. Its growing popularity signifies a level of maturity and dignity in America long over due. In cities across the country, people of all races, nationalities and religions are joining hands to truthfully acknowledge a period in our history that shaped and continues to influence our society today. Sensitized to the conditions and experiences of others, only then can we make significant and lasting improvements in our society.

As Dr. Lowry said it is important to remember.  I think it’s also good to feel the discomfort of being a minority, to stick your toe in the water!  And grab a hand of someone you don’t know  and to begin to talk.

Or perhaps it would be best to listen***…

Have you attended a Juneteenth celebration and if so what was your experience, as a white person or person of color?

***If I’ve done or said something in this post that is offensive culturally or otherwise would tell me (melhhanson@yahoo.com)?  While I want to talk about race and feel the risk is worth it, I would never choose to offend.  Never.  I want to learn.

Finding my Voice.

(There is a caveat at the end.)

Of all the things that I do not understand in the Bible,

these verses about women top my list.

Oh, I know how some interpret them,

but I don’t feel resolution in my heart.

Historically and culturally, they make a little more sense in the time that they were written.  And I know the Bible wasn’t written to us today, but written for us as followers of Jesus so how they are being interpreted by many parts of the Church makes no sense to me.

 

  • “A man is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man.” (1 Cor. 11:7) –– Inferior to men?
  • “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner” (1 Peter 3:7)  — Weaker than men?
  • “As in all the congregations of the saints, women should remain silent in the churches.” (1 Cor. 14:34)  –– Silent?
  • “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man.” (1 Tim. 2:12-14) — Should women not have authority over men?
  • If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off.” (1 Cor. 11:6)  Must we cut our hair off if we don’t cover it?  I just added this one to poke at the cultural differences.

This is just a sampling ….  Those verses exist in the New Testament books of the Bible and they are up for great debate.  Some people even believe in picking and choosing, some of them are to be followed but not others, which is really silly.  But I don’t want to debate. 

I would like to share some of my feelings about this, because I have thought about this for some time.

The Church does not seem to believe in women.  This undermines our voice in relationships with men as well as in our churches. Underlying these ideas [which say women are subject to men when it comes to the leadership of a church] seems to be these messages sometimes bravely said  out loud and most of the time very subliminally communicated:

  • the belief that women are somehow not quite able to interpret God’s Word,
  • or gain the wisdom needed to lead the church,
  • and definitely don’t have the Godly authority necessary to speak and teach (except to each other and children).
  • Lastly women are not allowed, by edict of scripture, to be elders of the church.  This job trusted to males only.

They do this, because of some of the NT scriptures and yet there are many stories in the Bible of Jesus lifting women up and giving them a voice.

I have thought about two, one being in the Old Testament, Ruth  the Moabite and the other is the five women that visited the tomb of Jesus, four of whom were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, Salome and Joanna.  The other is not named.

Ruth the Moabite

There is a story told in the Bible of a woman who led had great influence over a man named Boaz.  Her name was Ruth. a Gentile, an outsider, crop picker  in the fields near  Bethlehem, and she was a follower of Yahweh. Out of her experiences in life grew a perspective and heart that she turned into a strong voice.  Boaz listened to this poor, foreign female as she reinterpreted the Jewish law for him.  Boaz  was a Jewish landowner who strictly obeyed the Mosaic gleaning laws.  But if you were poor and hungry, I would bet the gleaning practices and interpretations would look very different to you than if you were a land owner.   The letter of the law said, “Let them glean” and in doing so you are being generous.  The spirit of the law Ruth said was “Feed them.”  And, Ruth’s perspective opened up a scenario Boaz hadn’t even considered.  And he fed them.

What does it mean as a woman to have a Voice in the church?  It isn’t just about the authority of eldership, it is more subliminal and it is frustrating and difficult.  I have spend years and years of sitting, thinking, stewing, praying, studying, learning, crying, hurting, and wondering.

Ruth seemed to offer Boaz a missing perspective, a compassionate perspective.  Boaz followed the letter of the law, and Ruth followed the heart of the law leading God’s people to sacrifice for the good others.  And I wonder, how many times a female perspective might have changed the Church, might have changed my church, if women were enriching the highest leadership conversations, the Biblical understanding, and the richness of creative perspective and ideas .

When it comes to my church, there are those that would argue that women are in every level of the church, except Elders and ordained ministers.  And that is true. They would say that some day things might change and even go so far as to say, “What I personally believe is women should be elders.”   And I want to push back and say … how long do I have to wait?  If something is true then let’s be the prophetic voices for our generation of women who are at some point going to reject the form of Christianity that excludes them. Your exclusion of me, relegating me to pour the communion wine but not serve it, reminds me each time it happens what- you- really- think- of- me.

No, I will not impulsively or unthinkingly walk away from the church.  No, not today.  But I will reconsider how I hear and interpret your teachings in light of what I know you think of me.

The 12 and the five.

I leave you today with this reminder of the twelve disciples and how they served Jesus in the end.  It was the women who were full of faith — Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, Salome and Joanna and one unnamed.

Among the many things that need to be said about the gospels is that we gain nothing by ignoring the fact that Jesus chose twelve male apostles. There were no doubt all kinds of reasons for this within both the symbolic world in which he was operating and the practical and cultural world within which they would have to live and work. But every time this point is made – and in my experience it is made quite frequently – we have to comment on how interesting it is that there comes a time in the story when the disciples all forsake Jesus and run away; and at that point, long before the rehabilitation of Peter and the others, it is the women who come first to the tomb, who are the first to see the risen Jesus, and are the first to be entrusted with the news that he has been raised from the dead. This is of incalculable significance. Mary Magdalene and the others are the apostles to the apostles.  [By NT Wright.]

I believe.

I believe that all people are equal before God and in Christ.  I am coming to understand that I will be held responsible for NOT using my gifts and NOT obeying my calling, as will everyone. I believe God freely calls believers to roles and ministries without regard to class, gender, or race and that the body of Christ, in gender, in race, in culture is beautiful when we are all serving.

I must remember it was the women who were full of faith.  And as I sit in the pew and consider what the Church is saying to women and I’m thinking to myself “let’s just get on with it.” Perhaps I will.  I might just get on with the service to the poor, the widow and the prisoner and find some place where my Voice is considered with mutual affection and attention.  Listen, there is so much about this that I don’t get.  So much about the Church that I don’t understand.  But I can’t believe that a loving God would give me, and half the church, these abilities and talents and ways of thinking that are up to a point appropriate. The glass ceiling of the Church (and my church) seems to be eldership and ordination.

The Voice inside that draws me to stories like this and makes me wonder and question what I am hearing, could it be the voice of God?  Am I supposed to feel this disconnect?  Am I supposed to feel the strength of conviction that I do, that I am doing what needs to be done; to think, and write, and grapple with and yes, gripe at times.  Am I a Voice that needs to be heard?

What do you believe?

*** the caveat ***

Of course I know that there are denominations that are more welcoming to women.  And there are days that I wonder what I’m doing.  But I am not only at this church for me, I have children who are coming to the age of influence and decision and will need the voices of youth leaders.  Tom and I felt, at one point, that we were supposed to go here.  (Mostly Tom but still…) because we both needed to be challenged, to have soul-changing business done in our hearts and that happens for us weekly.  And I believe that my quite, droning voice will some day make some difference.  Some day, some how.    And, quite honestly I have run from opportunities at this church because of my painful departure from InterVarsity and a doubt in myself that I had anything to offer because of that experience.  It’s taken me years to sort this out.  Frankly I was only coming to an understanding of this as I spoke up for Asian Americans and women in the Deadly Viper fracus, that I heard my own Voice and woke up.

I read a lot of stuff, blogs and articles and at some point today I did read an article on this website about Women in Leadership where I was reminded of the story of Ruth and the idea of her using her voice with Boaz.  I got that tie-in from the article but I can’t credit it because I can’t find it.  Apologies to the author.

Gonna catch some deals? Make them count.

Going shopping tomorrow?

Ask yourself what local, independently owned businesses would you really miss if they disappeared and make sure to get into those stores tomorrow.

For every $100 you spend locally, $68 stays in the local community.

If you shop or eat at national chains, only $43 stays in your community.

If you shop on-line nothing stays local, did you hear that? Nothing.

Rather than suck up to the giant conglomerates drink from the fountain of pure and  local and rest in the knowledge that almost $.70 of each dollar you spend will go back into your community.

I wrote about this in more detail a few days ago and also here.

P.S.  Last year I wrote about spending $100 locally. (So okay, maybe I did have this idea first.) But seriously, it’s pretty good.  Read it.

P.P.S.  Obviously, this is geared toward Madison, but the same applies to any local economy.  Just do it!

Let me know your three choices whether you are here locally in Madison or elsewhere!

On Black Friday, you can make a difference locally

Black Friday is coming.

All week my plan was to write about the International Buy Nothing Day: A 24 hour moratorium on consumer spending.

It’s called Black Friday, because it is the day stores move from red to black in their sales margin.  The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is the highest spending month in the entire year.

Fueled by a culture of over-consumption millions of Americans will participate.  Although I am encouraging you to do something different, I do think this idea is worth a laugh, which I found on the Buy Nothing Day website.

Whirl–mart

This activity has the advantage of being most likely to piss off security personnel. You and nine of your closest friends silently drive your shopping carts around in a long, inexplicable conga line without ever actually buying anything.

(Anyway, it made me laugh out loud.  I would never be able to do it, but I can see my daughter Molly and nine of her friends involved in this kind of social protest.  Oh yeah!)

I found a better idea for those of us who are slightly middle aged and have $50-100 we plan to spend over the weekend of Black Friday. Well, I wish I had thought of it, really do.  But I console myself that there’s no new idea under the sun, even if you copyright it like this woman did.  I can sure support it, because it makes so much sense.  It is called the 3/50 Project.  But I explain it all here:

Spend at least $50 in three local businesses to show your support of local, independent businesses.

Ask yourself what local, independently owned businesses would you really miss if they disappeared?

Get into those stores and buy something.

For every $100 you spend locally, $68 stays in the local community.  If you shop or eat at national chains, only $43 stays in your community.  If you shop on-line nothing stays local, did you hear that? Nothing.

So I’m thinking  about that this week.

  • Frugal Muse is a local bookstore alternative.  Did you know if they don’t have the book you’re looking for, they’ll order it and give you 20% off. It’s so easy to just pop over to Amazon and 1-click.  But just think the difference it would make to call up Frugal Muse and place an order?  Remember, if you purchase on-line NOTHING stays local with your purchase.

Ask yourself where you shop often and could you make some changes to support local businesses not chains?

  • I give lots of money to Walgreens. (Yuck!)  One thing I want to do is research local pharmacies and find one to that I can put my dollars into a local business.  Why not.  I fill prescriptions every month.  I want as much of my money to stay local.
  • Ancora Coffee. Is the best coffee around in my opinion.  Can be purchased at local grocery stores like Sentry.  Ancora Coffee can also be purchased in local coffee shops, though I’m not sure which ones.  I bet I could find out! Friday, rather than get revved at Starbucks (I love me some Starbucks) try a local place like EVP.  No there’s no drive-thru, but that’s okay.
  • Speaking of Sentry Foods, they have a local campaign telling you everything in their store made within 100 miles of their store.  You can walk through the store and make decisions about purchasing based on local businesses you want to support.  I think that’s awesome.  Of course Woodman’s is local and owned by the people.  And cheap, nice and cheap.
  • The Camera Company.  Rather than make my purchases online, which I like to for ease of shopping in my pajamas, pop down there or get on their website.

Ask yourself where you eat out?

Rather than choosing a chain, consider one of the amazing local cuisines.  There are so many.  What are your favorite local eateries?  I’d like to know!! I’ll make a list and post it later.

Almost $70 of every $100 spent is a pretty daunting number!

Shopping local, independent shops might take a little research.  But think how good you you feel!!!  Rather than suck up to the giant conglomerates you’ll drink from the fountain of pure and  local.

  1. Choose three local independent shops and/or restaurants.
  2. Spend at least $50 (or more) and rest in the knowledge that almost 70% of each dollar you spend will go back into your community.

What are the top things you spend money on?  CDs?  Books.  Medication.  Food.  Gas.  Guitars (okay that’s just Tom.)

If we make smart local choices this about the different we’ll make in our local economy.  It may not always be the cheapest choice, but in the long run it may just be the tipping point to keep our local economy alive.

I chose Black Friday for this wonderful investment, but it could be any day in the shopping season.

Please let me know the three businesses you choose!!!

Yeah, boycott big chains this Friday!!!!!!!!!!

P.S.  Last year I wrote about spending $100 locally. (So okay, maybe I did have this idea first.) But seriously, it’s pretty good.  Read it.

P.P.S.  Obviously, this is geared toward Madison, but the same applies to any local economy.  Just do it!  Let me know your three choices whether you are here locally in Madison or elsewhere!

If it’s good enough for the President it’s good enough for me. Or: Collard Greens: good for you.


Originally uploaded by M e l o d y

I read ‘somewhere’ that Collard Greens are really, really good for you, a cancer fighting green rich in antioxidants and vitamins and tons of fiber.  One cup of cooked collards offers your full daily Vitamin A, half your C and over 800 percent of your vitamin K.

A few weeks ago I posted this short entry (below) on Collard Greens asking for good recipes.  I got no responses.  And I’m thinking it’s because most of the people who read my blog are mostly white folk.  It turns out most white folk think Collard Greens are a nasty weed and we don’t know what to do with it.

Last night, at the first White House State Dinner , among other delicious things Collard Greens were on the menu and that got me looking and reading again.

And I want to cook them.  Help me out?

It turns out their pedigree dates back 2,000 years.  (And though they can’t spell Mediterranean …)

They originated, like kale, their kin, in Turkey, migrating, along with folks who grew it, to Greece and Rome. Julius Caesar allegedly treated collard greens as medicine, eating them after banquets to insure good nutrition and digestion.

Collards became a hit all over Europe and were introduced to America in the 17th century. They grew prolifically, especially in the South. While plantation owners considered collards weeds, slaves used the free and plentiful greens to make the humblest of meals sustaining and nourishing.  Despite their Mediterranian roots, they’re sturdily American.

Most of us know collards, if we know them at all, from the way slaves prepared them – as a mess o’ greens, slow-braised with pig parts. Collards are also a component of hopping john, a filling stew combining collards, black-eyed peas, which the slaves brought over from Africa . . . and more pig parts.

Now is the time collards flourish, and not just in the White House garden.  (Source:  http://www.meatlessmonday.com)

So I ask again, does anyone have good recipe for Collard Greens? Someone who has actually cooked them. Or will I have to go digging?

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November 11th, 2009

Does anyone have a good recipe for Collard Greens?

Mine was bitter. Is this from the way I cooked it or something else I might have done?

They look so yummy but even with garlic and butter/olive oil they were super bitter.

C’ mon people. Let me know!!

Was this sexist?

Here’s how it went down.  I was invited by my sister Paula to take photographs of her new church.  She is having her church website updated and wants it before Christmas.

After three years of seminary and commuting to work part-time at a church near Milwaukee for even longer, she’s recently gotten an appointment at St. Luke’s Episcopal Church, in Monona, Wisconsin.  She has been there for about three months as head pastor.

I am very proud of her and excited to help out in any way I can.  I went over on Sunday to get some shots of the morning service and activities.

She’s talking to one of the people helping her prepare for the service, a man, who notices me taking pictures.   She says something to him and  he smiles and says something.  She has an indecipherable but polite look on her face, which I can’t hear because they are about ten feet away but they are clearly talking about me.

I approach questioningly?

As I walk up she tells me: “He said that you got the  good looks in the family.”

A shocky-kind-of-limbo comes over me, which is what always happens in these situations, while I try to decipher what’s going on.  He really just said that to his pastor?  Seriously?  Should she be insulted?  Should I?  Yes, my gut tells me.  And yes.

This is one of the most subtle types of sexism.  A comment masked as compliment but clearly designed (whether consciously or not) to make women uncomfortable.

I say, “You got the brains.” as I try to remember that  joke about “age before beauty.” No that doesn’t apply and why am I trying to be funny, except that I feel uncomfortable and I don’t know what to say.  Commenting on her smarts was all I could think of, in the spur of the moment.

She says, “We’re just smart about different things.  You’re definitely the better dresser.”

We both fall into a lame quiet, while neither of us knows what to say.   They begin to talk about microphones or something related to the service.  I finally mumble something about more photos and walk away, feeling sad and wishing my sister didn’t have to deal with stupid people constantly reminding her she’s a woman.

Was it sexist of him to talk about my looks? To refer to and rate his pastor’s looks by implication?  He was meeting his pastor’s sister for the first time who cares about our looks, I mean really?

When I got home, after a twenty-minute drive, I was still bothering over it and I asked Tom what he thought?

And now I’m asking you.  Was it sexist and what would you have said?

Of course I obviously do believe that this comment was sexist.  It’s a work situation and a man is commenting on his pastor’s looks.  However he does it , no matter his motives it is wrong.  Saying something in a moment like that is hard because I don’t want to make things harder for Paula or create a scene. But saying nothing is worse. Looking back, I know that both of our silence is interpreted as agreement, indifference, or fear.

And so I sit here simmering, thinking about what I should have said.

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Resource:  I found this website to be incredibly helpful as I sorted through my feelings and the facts.  If you’re new to the topic or still sorting these things through, give it a look and come back and tell me what you think?  http://www.stopsexistremarks.org/

Nightmares: A conversation with my son.

 


Originally uploaded by M e l o d y

He says out of the blue, driving down the rode:

I want to live with you forever, Mom.  Because — what if  — I’m homeless some day?

Trying to understand what exactly he is trying to say, I reply:

You can always live with me, if you’re down and out or homeless. I would never let you live on the streets. Besides that doesn’t happen to very many people…

[pause to think and choose my words carefully]

… usually if you are willing to work hard (really Melody? homeless people aren’t willing to work hard?) and are smart enough to do well in school (this isn’t going well, because I’ve met homeless who are PhD’s) you will not end up homeless. (Which I know very well isn’t always true.  I considered launching into something about mental illness, and drug addiction and family, and job loss being contributing factors.

And then I realized he was just scared and I couldn’t make him understand something that I don’t completely.)

He said:

But what if I can’t find you? If I don’t know where you live?

I said:

You will always know where I am. You can always call me.

(And I found myself explaining about calling collect. )

I will always take your collect call.

Why is he thinking about this? He’s ten. Why is he so scared?

I’ve had a topsy-turvy, upside down and backwards experience with forgiveness.

I woke up thinking about the act of forgiveness and the impact it has had in my life.  It has completely changed who I am as a person.

When my father was dieing, I came to a point that I had to forgive him for the years of neglect and abuse.  My sisters and I had flown in from around the country for the surgery to remove two tumors in his brain. The day before, my sister Paula and I found ourselves in a small Episcopal church in Evergreen, Colorado where my mom and dad were living.  It had a retro 60’s interior, as if modernity hadn’t reached the mountains.  But it also had a serene beauty, with carved wood and stained glass windows.  It was a relief to slip into a pew near the back, two of about a dozen people in the small sanctuary.

It was a beautiful service and I was deeply moved — emotional and fearful for the next day and days to come. My dad had been meeting with each of us daughters to have the “last conversation” just in case he didn’t make it.  I wasn’t ready for mine.

As is typical tradition in the Episcopal church, communion was offered.  As took that long walk to the front and knelt there, struggling with my heavy heart, I was aware that my father could very well die in surgery. And I also knew that I could not, and in many ways would not, be able or ready to forgive him.  As I wrestled internally between my hypocrisy and a need to be faithful to my experiences with my dad, I heard the voice of God saying: “Melody, forgive as you have been forgiven.”  Even as I write those words I’m floored by the power of that moment.

Whether it actually was ‘the voice of God’ or my memory returning to the eternal truths of my childhood faith, I don’t know for sure and it’s certainly up for debate.  But it mattered not at all to me, in that moment.  I knew that it was true and that I had to respond. And in as much as I understood what that meant in my life, I acknowledged: “I cannot forgive him.  But if you could help me…” And I experienced a miracle, my heart change in a moment!  I was given a heart of absolution toward my father.

Let me be clear, I believe that he was still responsible for the things he had done and said, but my heart was freed of the anger and hurt that had consumed it for many, many years.  At the very least, this experience allowed me to be “present” emotionally later, to bravely express my pain to my dad (which I had always been too afraid of him to do) and  to hear him, as he stumbled through an apology.  He asked me to forgive him for the hurt he had caused me over a lifetime.  If I hadn’t forgiven him the day before I would not have been able to receive his apology or grant him what he needed.

It was a little topsy-turvy and upside down and backwards, but it is up there on the list of one of most amazing spiritual experiences I have ever had.

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At some point we all find ourselves in the doghouse for something we have said or done.  It is interesting to see a culture of public apology as it has developed today.  It has become a natural next step by governments, politicians, cable newscasters, even ministers and it is easy to get cynical about such public apologies with our 24/7 public, cable-driven news cycle.

It is almost common place to mess up and need to apologize. My kids throw out “I’m sorry” like “please” and “thank you.’  I keep thinking we need to teach them this concept of forgiveness, but I don’t really know how.  When I was a child my father used to make us apologize, even when weren’t sorry.  Even when we truly felt we weren’t wrong.  And then he’d make the other person say “I forgive you.”  I cringe to think of it and refuse to do that to my children.

But what is the purpose of an apology?  It is an admission of wrongdoing.  An expression of regret for harm caused to another person by our actions or by our failure to act.  Sometimes we even apologize to get something off our chest or make ourselves feel better.   But people should apologize when they mess up and I want to help my kids understand this.  But it can’t be forced if it is genuine.

Or can it?  I think of the power it holds for people groups who have been mistreated and demand governments  to extend apologies for historical injustices.  The apology is called for and absolutely necessary. African-Americans deserved apology and reparations for two hundred years of slavery, Black South Africans for Apartheid, the Japanese Americans for the internment camps, Native Americans for stealing their land, imprisoning their people in Reservations, and demolishing their indigenous culture.  The same for what has happened to indigenous peoples in Hawaii and many places around the globe.  Many countries around the world, including the United States, have tried to make amends for past injustices by paying reparations, creating human rights tribunals and reconciliation commissions. This is all good and necessary.

But have those groups forgiven?  I think on an individual level this is needs to happen.  And sometimes as a public.  The story of the Amish here in the states, who, three years ago, unconditionally and publicly forgave the gunman who slaughtered five of their little girls.  It was an astonishing example of public forgiveness.

Until we can forgive we are condemned to remain victims.  All of us have been wronged, in big ways and in smaller everyday ways, through out our lives.  Until we can forgive those responsible we’ll be nagged by this sense of seeing ourselves as a victim.

That was certainly true for me with my father and I’m not done with the process of forgiving him as memory resurrects the past.  I don’t know how long it will take, but I’ll walk every day of my life needing to forgive him fully and working toward it.

What does that mean for those of us offended and hurt by the Deadly Vipers book or more importantly, the ongoing work between the white Christian community and multi-ethnic communities.

What does this mean for women that have been hurt by the Church/organized religion or organizations or men that have treated them with inequality and sexism?

It’s very easy for victimization to be internalized, but only forgiveness can release us from that.

“There’s nothing to compare with the therapeutic effect of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a far more liberating experience, both for those who forgive and for those who are forgiven, than a mere apology can ever be. It is one of the most generous acts we ever perform.” — Hugh Mackay is a social researcher and author.

Apologies are powerful in their symbolism admission and contrition, but asking for forgiveness is more important. It can’t be forced, either the asking or the granting.

But still, often the apology is not extended and we are forced to wrestle with that topsy-turvy and upside down and backwards experience of needing to extend personal forgiveness, for our own welfare and healing, even before the apology has been extended.   Listen up, friends, especially ladies, we may never get the apology.  But we cannot live in anger, because it’s a virus.

Only forgiveness can heal us.

Be well,

Melody

On a lighter note:

I did a little searching and oddly enough, found a website called http://www.perfectapology.com, which serves 50,000 visitors a month, offering advice on how to extend the perfect apology.  Having grown up in a house where my dad was never wrong, and never once apologized for his behavior in my lifetime (except that amazing day in Colorado when he knew he was dieing.)  Some people need it spelled out for them so here you go.

Apologizing is both an Art and a Science. The Art being the manner in which the apology is delivered while the Science is the recipe that forms the apology itself.  This is “Science” or ingredient list that when combined produces the perfect apology.

A proper apology should always include the following:

  • a detailed account of the situation
  • acknowledgment of the hurt or damage done
  • taking responsibility for the situation
  • recognition of your role in the event
  • a statement of regret
  • asking for forgiveness
  • a promise that it won’t happen again.
  • a form of restitution whenever possible.

Good Luck!