Category: Faith & (Dis)Belief

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” — C.S. Lewis

When it comes to forgiveness, I’m lousy!

This is a very personal reflection.  I have written it to and about some specific people, but I believe there are lessons to be learned and so I share it here.

When it comes to forgiveness I have to admit, I’m lousy (here is something I wrote about the process of forgiving my father).  I guess one could say that I hold on to things.  I would say that I hold on to them until I’m ready to let go, always intending to let go at – some – point.  When it is safe?

When you have experienced an abusive home life, it is pure survival instinct to be suspicious.  That lack of being able to trust has hurt me in my life, I know, but it has also protected me from other kinds of pain.  Growing into  Christ’s forgiveness has meant that I have to learn to trust.

When I went to work for my father in 1991 I did it for his approval.  I’d never in my life felt his approval and I just wanted a context where he might ‘like’ me or what I did.  Innocently at first, I stepped into a situation where others accused us of nepotism.  So not only did I have the pressure to perform so that my scowling, disapproving perfectionist father would love me and more importantly approve of me, but I had to live up to his expressed expectations so that others would see that I was competent and deserved to be there.

I learned a lot in the first few years there.  He pushed me in ways that I needed.  I was shy and insecure and he expected me to make things happen!  I learned to express myself clearly, get on the phone and make it happen and eventually I began to see that I was pretty good.  He definitely gave me a confidence boost but I wasn’t prepared for him offering me a huge promotion to Urbana communications.

I’m  still not sure why he did that?  I had a communications degree but it was meaningless at least in my mind.  It was a “I don’t know what to study” degree.   When I started that job I was equal parts thrilled and terrified.  I had tons of ideas and I felt so passionate about my ideas that I wasn’t afraid of what others thought.  Those were good days in the beginning.  Days of huge learning and beginning to shape communications for Urbana the way I wanted.  Yes, I was very I centered.  But things were going fine until I ran up against Scott Wilson.  He told me at one of our first lunches that this was “family” and family looked out for each other.  I had been looking at an external ad agency to help bring some new ideas into the promotion and in no uncertain terms I was told if I did that, I was not “in the family” [insert lingering unspoken threat]

This was so outrageous to me that I remember going home and laughing with Tom because it sounded so mafia-like.  Turns out he wasn’t kidding and that began a power struggle that only escalated and continued up to the day I left InterVarsity.  I take that back, after I left on maternity leave with my third child, after what came to be my last Urbana, he began to ignore me.

Ten years later, I know that I never wanted to leave InterVarsity.  I loved my job.  I was tired and very pregnant and burned out.  I felt like I wasn’t totally supported when it came to my job and that I was being ignored structurally.  I felt unsure about a new Urbana director and tired, did I mention how tired I was?  I did Urbana 2000 seven months pregnant, wrote my report totally exhausted, had my son, did the maternity leave and then … I didn’t know how to return and it didn’t seem like it mattered to anyone whether I did or not.  No one was there to help me get a plan together for the future.  I fell between the cracks.

I never experienced resolution to the conflicts with Scott Wilson.  I never got support for some of the issues I had on my team.  I felt that I had somehow failed and yet, I can’t think of how really.  Three bursting conventions.  The goal had been achieved.  I guess my problem was that I always wanted more.  And ‘more’ wasn’t going to happen at InterVarsity with Scott around.

The funny thing is how different Scott and I are.  I express myself in writing, he’s verbal and extremely articulate.   I’m shy.  I am not a people person, I’m an ideas person.  I have learned over the last ten years that I am really okay with lots of solitude.  I hate meetings and process, though I see how important they can be. I love team and community, but I don’t know how to achieve it.  If someone could have helped us, I think Scott and I together could have been very effective with InterVarsity communications, but as it was the whole thing crushed me.

But I can see God’s big and loving hands on this whole thing, because I don’t know if I could have learned the things that I have about myself and about Him if I had stayed at IV.  Spiritually, I was dying there.  I equated all this pain I was experiencing with God’s care for me and it didn’t feel very good.  I was hurt, and angry, and ready to tell God to f-off!

My story changed at that point to one of personal redemption.  I was experiencing postpartum depression, I was coming off being a workaholic to being a full-time nursing mom of three in diapers.  My identity issues which had trailed after me all my life flared their ugly head and all of a sudden I felt irrelevant and like a total failure.  After thirteen beautiful learning years at IV, because of the lack of closure and lack of resolution to this conflict, I felt I had failed.

I should have been able to figure it out but I was incapable at the time.   I put some of that pain into my final report, but I guess no one that mattered read it because I never heard back from anyone at IV.  It was like I had fallen off the face of their planet.  What short memories organisations seem to have.

As I dealt with depression, which worsened I began to wrestle with alcohol.  I am not proud of those years certainly.  I was self-medicating and only later learned that it was genetic and my mom would soon get help for her own alcoholism.  I continued to wrestle with it off and on for years.  My father got sick, diagnosed with brain tumors.  He had surgery meanwhile I was trying to figure out if I should go on an antidepressant which was a heart wrenching decision.  At the time of the doctor’s appointment for that, I discovered I was pregnant.  I flew off to Colorado to be with my parents, knowing I was pregnant and clinically depressed.  I did go on the medication.  And for four days I considered an abortion, feeling I was an unfit mother. I don’t know where the thoughts of aborting the baby came from but I was in a major depression.   Six weeks later, the baby self aborted.  A miscarriage.

All the while we were dealing with my father’s illness, my mother’s her drinking became a danger to others including dad and herself.   In the end dad died, mother got help, and I was back with the problems I had before it all started.  Still depressed, confused, lonely and angry at everyone.

On and off over the years I have sought help for my drinking.  It was only in the last year that I knew I could stop.  I know my drinking would never have happened if I had a full-time job.  I hardly drank when I was working.  And I do believe looking back that the opportunity for ‘abuse’ came with too much time on my hands at first, boredom, the stress of little ones under foot, the genetic propensity, and the almost manic depression that I was getting help for at the same time.

I am grateful now that I had the last ten years to slow down enough to see myself – feel my feelings – stop achieving long enough to realize how badly I felt about myself.  When I was working I was a maniacal over-worker.  If I had a slow day I would get this crazy black cloud over me that I had to run from and so I just kept running.  Doing.  Achieving.  I stopped feeling.   I stopped believing in the purpose of Urbana.  I stopped experiencing God.   My faith was so disintegrated at that point that I remember feeling I had better leave before someone finds out what a hypocrite I was.

This is all to say that I know I had many failures while I was working at IV.  I allowed pettiness and bitterness to dominate me.  I overworked people.  I knew there were people on my team who were hurting and I didn’t know how to help them, so I didn’t.  I just worked, because like my father that is where I felt competence.  I was too proud to ask for help.  And the few times I did ask for help, I was so filled with bitterness and anger that it is no wonder no one could hear me, understand the issues and resolve anything.

To Scott Wilson, I ask that you forgive me for disparaging you in my heart and with others.  To Barney Ford, I ask that you forgive me for not keeping my heart healthy and free from bitterness.  I ask that you both forgive me for allowing anger to dominate and for being a hypocrite.  I stopped listening to God in those last years at IV and was probably more of destructive force then anything.  To all the people who served with me, like Barry Sherbeck, and many others I ask your forgiveness for being so bitter.  For wasting so much of your time with my dark heart issues.  For people who worked for me, like Paul, and Mark, and Grace, and Carol, please forgive me for pushing you so hard.  And for being a feeble boss.  Grace, I should never have hired you knowing I was not going to be the supervisor you needed.  Please forgive me.  I know you all needed things from me that I had no knowledge of how to provide.

As I said, I’m no good at forgiveness.  Or perhaps it just takes me a while.  I can only praise God that He gave me these years, that  as I fell on my face and looked up He was there with open arms.  I can rise up today truly able to seek forgiveness and to let go of all that pain and finally be free!

Be not judges of others, and you will not be judged: do not give punishment to others, and you will not get punishment yourselves: make others free, and you will be made free.  Luke 6:37

Prayer: Would that I were more faithful

Would that I were faithful in prayer

in so many things.

That I would have the maturity to turn off the noise

and seek what faithfulness requires.

Solitude first,

Prayer compels, then demands an acquiescence of the will.

It asks for a level of trust and ascent,

surrender and humility.

Things I do not have, but as I sit and listen,

I am able to ask

for less of me that I might be, faithful.

beautiful resolutions

I did not write these, but I must say they are beautiful and I resonate with them.

  1. I will live in the present moment. I will not obsess about the past or worry about the future.

  2. I will cultivate the art of making connections. I will pay attention to how my life is intimately related to all life on the planet.

  3. I will be thankful for all the blessings in my life. I will spell out my days with a grammar of gratitude.

  4. I will practice hospitality in a world where too often strangers are feared, enemies are hated, and the “other” is shunned. I will welcome guests and alien ideas with graciousness.

  5. I will seek liberty and justice for all. I will work for a free and a fair world.

  6. I will add to the planet’s fund of good will by practicing little acts of kindness, brief words of encouragement, and manifold expressions of  courtesy.

  7. I will cultivate the skill of deep listening. I will remember that all things want to be heard, as do the many voices inside me.

  8. I will practice reverence for life by seeing the sacred in, with, and under all things of the world.

  9. I will give up trying to hide, deny, or escape from my imperfections. I will listen to what my shadow side has to say to me.

  10. I will be willing to learn from the spiritual teachers all around me, however unlikely or unlike me they may be.

Resources for spiritual journeys: http://www.SpiritualityandPractice.com.  Spiritually Literate New Year’s Resolutions by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat

To read mine, go here.

Resolutions for 2010

My New Years Resolutions …

I will Learn. See. Respond. Be …

  1. I will give more of my time, voice, and energy to the disadvantaged, oppressed, and forgotten in my community. (Immigrants, LGBT, homeless, unwed mothers, the illiterate.)  To put myself in situations where I am the ethnic minority.  If given opportunity, I will tell their stories through word and image.
  2. I will grow more of our own food.  I will learn to can.  I will shop locally, especially community based privately owned businesses.
  3. I will save more, spend less. I will live on a budget. I will continue to not buy clothes for myself for a year, until October, 2010.   I will use the library.
  4. I will help us be a connected family. I will turn off electronics while the kids are awake. I will turn off electronics 4-8pm. And do more together. (e.g. Go to ballgames, the symphony & opera,  plays (The Lion King), go camping, …)  We will call cousins and other family members.
  5. I will continue to work at staying depression free. I will work the 12 steps.  I will exercise every day, if only 20 minutes.  I will taper off Effexor.
  6. I will write for an hour every day of the work week.  About … What I am thankful for.  What I want to know.  What I think.  Who I need to hear from.
  7. I will read with intentionality. (On race, gender & the church, faith, poverty, global issues …)
  8. I will play my piano and find an avenue to sing.
  9. I will work on a photography project with the goal of a gallery showing and work on a website for online sales & exhibition.
  10. I will take Tom to Big Ben before he’s 50.

A year of  images : the people, places and things. I shot this year. (This will take you to a SET of my photography on the www. flickr.com.  Click on SLIDE SHOW in the upper right hand corner when you get there.)

Be well, friends.  Be well.  And if you feel like it, drop me a word about what you’d like to accomplish in 2010.

whatever you did not do for one of the least of these

My house is warm and I sit here comfortably in front of my laptop, the Christmas lights twinkling in the background.  Tom’s face is glowing from his own laptop.  It’s quiet and the music from this short film (below) is playing.  Please watch this short film.

It’s difficult to think about homelessness now, during this season of comfort and beauty, intimacy with family and friends, connection, goodness and abundance.  But you see it is only that for some of us.  For many Americans next Friday, Christmas day, will be like this Friday, and the one that comes after that.

Tonight, anywhere from 700,000 to 2 million people are homeless in America. The homeless population is about 50 % African-American, 35 % white, 12 % Hispanic, 2 % Native American and 1 % Asian according to the National Law Center on Homelessness and Poverty.

Last year was the first year on record, according to an annual study conducted by the National Low Income Housing Coalition, that a full-time worker at minimum wage could not afford a one-bedroom apartment anywhere in the country at average market rates.

At this time of such warmth, figuratively and literally, I think we should stop for a brief moment and reflect on our abundance.  I was struck during the climate change talks in Copenhagen, the spokespeople for the poor nations of the world kept saying things like: “You are not serious about global warming, because it doesn’t make any difference in your day to day life.  We are because it is a matter of survival.”

What does God think about our national greed and selfishness?  The homeless in our inner cities or on State street here in Madison, the teenagers hanging out in malls and public areas covered in piercings and goth clothing, the workers at Copps grochery store who clearly hate life and quite possibly hate you too, the cashier at the gas station clearly not from “here”, or the faceless people on the receiving end of food banks that our churches and school supply? What does God think about children going to be hungry?

What do you or I think about these people who if we actually notice them push us outside of our comfort zones?

I wonder who is just surviving this holiday — literally.  Who is hungry.  Who is cold?  And what I should do about it?

Jesus said:

“I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.” (Matthew 25:45).

I don’t have the answers, but I think it is worth asking ourselves what then should we do?

Some reads about Homelessness:

  • Without a Net: Middle Class and Homeless (with Kids) in America, (Viking Adult, 2005), Michelle Kennedy, about her experiences being homeless for several months in 1997 after her marriage fell apart.
  • Tell Them Who I Am: The Lives of Homeless Women (Penguin,1995), Elliot Liebow, demolishes the anonymity of the homeless. Skillfully blending a social scientist’s objectivity with humanitarian concern, he observes women who live in a variety of shelters near Washington, D.C.–how they interact with one another, family and shelter staff; pass their days; and struggle to retain their dignity in the face of rejection by society.
  • Lastly, this is a moving set of images of women striving to survive and feed their children from the New York Post (if I remember correctly.)

get.me.off.this.ride

hey!  is anyone listening?  yeah you. God!

i.wanna. get. off. this. ride. you. got. me. on.

i am not the One you think I am.

i. am. not. good.

i. am. no. good.  i am no different from him.

oh i may not let the rage outside. but the stream of anger is W.A.I.L.I.N.G.

inside. polluting. my. mind. like. a. pinball. arcade. pow. pow. pa pow.

get. me. outta. here. i. say. get me away from your Children.

away from the hunger.fear.grief.self-hatred.shame.need.regret.poverty.addiction.cold.

your people are so c o l d.  cause old.man.winter’s blowin’ in.

give back, He whispers. you are forgiven.

the warm Breath of His Spirit Swirls Around.

Give back. You can.

And then I begin to hear it, the rhythm.  The pulse inside me and out. A quiet far away beat. Tu – tu – TU.  It’s repeated in my heart.  My stomach.  My soul.  My head.  It tickles my ear. It moves in my feet.   give.you.can.give.

Give. You. Can.  Cause you are forgiven.  I am hope.

I say Now that’s enough reason. Yeah, I hear you now, Tu – tu – TU whispered to me.  Yes, I am stepping back in.

They refused to obey. And they were not mindful of Your wonders that you did among them. But they hardened their necks, and in their rebellion they appointed a leader to return to their bondage.  But You are God, ready to pardon, gracious and merciful, slow to anger, abundant in kindness, and did not forsake them. 
[Neh. 9:17 (NKJV)]

Advent Lament: My Endless and Voluminous Need

Some have said Advent is an opportunity to walk into the dark night of the soul, as Nouwen called it. This works for me.  As I sat in church yesterday I felt unsettled and angry.  Stirred by the challenges of my life I felt a heightened awareness of my need — my endless and voluminous need.

For some weeks I have had a growing sense of discomfort.  This happens to me from time to time, though years can pass in between.  It is a strange unwelcome melancholy that affects me emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  In can bring a new level of understanding, a softening, an unfolding of my heart.

But in what I have come to know as predictable, my inner self resists.  I find myself becoming angry, distrusting, and irritated.  I do not know why I respond this way, only that it has come enough times in my life that I recognize it.  It may take me a while, days or weeks to finally see it for what it is, but then as I face it, the unsettling of my soul, I understand why nothing seems right, no one pleases me, and everything is causing a level of increasing frustration.

Especially expectations of Christmas, stated and unspoken.  I am overly aware of money or lack of it, kitsch or classy decorations, who is spending or not, and how special I can make things for my children and family.  This focus on material becomes enormous, crowding out what’s going on inside me.

My every sense is magnified. My heart tells me it is impossible to resolve all the conflict in my heart.

For the first time in a while I responded by writing a lament to God.  Restricted by the scenario at church of time and space, everyone jotting down on a small piece of paper their gratitude, praise or a lament, I resisted at first.  Then, I quickly wrote from my heart:

Tell me what you want me to do.  Speak.

Hearing God speak is one of my greatest places of doubt as a believer.  Oh, God does speak to me and when he does I am always totally blown away by its clarity.  But still I live mostly in the in between riddled with unfaithful doubt.

As a voracious reader, the world of blogging has opened up to me an instantaneous flood of information and I’ve gorged on it of late.  As is my nature, I tend to go to the extremes.  I have found hundreds of insightful people and blogs.  I wish I could read them all daily but my world around me would fall to pieces in disarray if I did.

Early this morning I read a summary of a presentation by the Rev. Dr. Christopher Beeley, professor at Yale Divinity School.  It put into words this cycling of despair, response, growth in a way I have not been able to understand or summarize myself. Don’t you love it when that happens?  Beeley presented:

“a three-step process of faith formation offered by John Newton and developed from a reflection of Newton’s on the parable of the sower. The first step is “Desire.” A person might feel “elation” and “joy” or “relief.” The sense of desire propels one into church with a sudden surge of awareness of God’s grace and love. This first phase is like the Hebrews freed from Egypt, it brings with it a sense of elation. While the sense of desire and God’s love persist they also change with time leading to the second phase.”

“The second phase is “Conflict.” This is the “dark night of the soul” phase where one wrestles with God, with faith,and often faces challenges that were not experienced in the first phase of Desire. If Desire is marked by elation like that of the Hebrew freed from slavery, this phase is marked by a sense of being lost, the Hebrews wandering in the desert for 40 years. This is a time of growing more dependent on God and deepening our trust as we travel through one challenge after another.”

“The second phase leads to the third phase. Newton is careful to spell out that one is not necessarily a better believer or person in one phase or the other, rather one’s sense of dependence on God increases through each phase. To me this phase sounds a bit like what the Buddhists call “Detachment.” This phase is marked by a shift in emotions where one becomes less emotionally engaged in the challenges and more able to view them with some distance, having put one’s trust in God.”

“…These phases, A, B, and C were not linear but perhaps a spiral that repeats over and over through life.” (emphasis mine).  Grace in the Blade by John Newton, three phases beginning on page 171.

As I sit fully within the Conflict stage, naming it helped me immensely.  I can say that my spiritual path has wound around and around in that spiral my entire life.  It wasn’t until I read these thoughts of Newton that I understood what was happening.

Much of my spiritual journey has involved doubt, restlessness and pain.  As I listen to those believer’s whose ‘faith’ seems to be pure saccharine goodness, I’ve felt constantly in revolt!  That has not been my experience!

My spiritual experiences have been marked by questions and confusion as I wrestle with the strange truth of this radical person Jesus and the rest of scripture and reconcile them with real life; Christians whose lives are tinged with hypocrisy, the weakness of my own dark heart, and a life riddled with iniquity.

As I learn to cry out as I did yesterday, I am certain that He will respond.  Advent for me will be a time of listening, and so I wait.  I wait for him to speak and tell me what to do.  I wait for Him to speak.

Am I welcome at a Juneteenth celebration?

Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable… Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Even as I write that title, “AM I WELCOME…” I’m thinking this is not about you, Melody! And it is most decidedly not, except in the fact that we white people are a part of the problem.  We’re afraid to talk about race, racism, ethnicity, and even good things like Juneteenth. If we don’t talk about it, we won’t take part and if we don’t take part thus perpetuates the ignorance and fear.

So here I go, knowing ultimately it’s not about me, but I don’t want to be afraid of acknowledging and raising awareness for white people.  I want to say, hey people this is a good thing!

I believe it is worth noting that Wisconsin Gov. Jim Doyle has signed a bill that makes Juneteenth Day a legal holiday in Wisconsin.  (It’s too bad the NPR headlines are leading with the end of puppy mills in Wisconsin, not this. But I always see the ‘cup half empty.’)

I have to be honest, I’ve been afraid or uncertain if I was welcome at Juneteenth celebrations.  OK, to be brutally honest, I have been unwilling to put myself in a context of (potential) discomfort.  Yeah, that is what I know is true deep down.

Ten years ago, when we were church shopping,  we attended Fountain of Life, a black Pentecostal church committed to multi-ethnicity, about two or three times.  (I even know the pastor, Alex Gee, but he wasn’t there while we were.)  But in the end it was too hard to be different.  I know, ew.  That was hard to admit.,  It sounds awful.  I have to imagine being in that scenario all the time, every day, is terribly difficult. (Mostly white churches, organizations, schools.)  I can only imagine what it is like to be a minority all the time — I was exhausted after a service there. I mean I like to move, and raise my hands (I do that frequently in worship) , but I was so self-conscious of my stiff-white-person-moves!   So, not for only those reasons but including them I walked away.  I guess because I could.

Perhaps I jumped into the deep end, with church, and Juneteenth will be a chance to dip my toe in.

If you don’t know on June 19, 1865, Union soldiers sailed into Galveston, Texas and announced the end of the Civil War.  The order given to free the quarter-million slaves residing in the state.

“It’s likely that none of them had any idea that they had actually been freed more than two years before. It was truly a day of mass emancipation. It has become known as Juneteenth.”  Read more history here.

Celebrate the end of slavery as a holiday?  Regrettably, most white Americans will read that headline and think, uh, what’s the big deal?

The recognition also is a chance to foster dialogue in the community, said J. Vincent Lowery, assistant professor in humanistic studies and history at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay. Lowery’s work focuses on memory and race relations.

“I think that it really represents an opportunity for the state of Wisconsin … to have open conversations about the history of race relations in America,” Lowery said, “not just as they relate to emancipation, but the much larger freedom struggle.”

I look forward to it!  Can I attend the Juneteenth celebration and not feel like a fifth wheel?  Did I just say that?   Our state is recognizing that we should all celebrate the end of a disgraceful part of our history.

Today Juneteenth commemorates African American freedom and emphasizes education and achievement. It is a day, a week, and in some areas a month marked with celebrations, guest speakers, picnics and family gatherings. It is a time for reflection and rejoicing. It is a time for assessment, self-improvement and for planning the future. Its growing popularity signifies a level of maturity and dignity in America long over due. In cities across the country, people of all races, nationalities and religions are joining hands to truthfully acknowledge a period in our history that shaped and continues to influence our society today. Sensitized to the conditions and experiences of others, only then can we make significant and lasting improvements in our society.

As Dr. Lowry said it is important to remember.  I think it’s also good to feel the discomfort of being a minority, to stick your toe in the water!  And grab a hand of someone you don’t know  and to begin to talk.

Or perhaps it would be best to listen***…

Have you attended a Juneteenth celebration and if so what was your experience, as a white person or person of color?

***If I’ve done or said something in this post that is offensive culturally or otherwise would tell me (melhhanson@yahoo.com)?  While I want to talk about race and feel the risk is worth it, I would never choose to offend.  Never.  I want to learn.

Finding my Voice.

(There is a caveat at the end.)

Of all the things that I do not understand in the Bible,

these verses about women top my list.

Oh, I know how some interpret them,

but I don’t feel resolution in my heart.

Historically and culturally, they make a little more sense in the time that they were written.  And I know the Bible wasn’t written to us today, but written for us as followers of Jesus so how they are being interpreted by many parts of the Church makes no sense to me.

 

  • “A man is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man.” (1 Cor. 11:7) –– Inferior to men?
  • “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner” (1 Peter 3:7)  — Weaker than men?
  • “As in all the congregations of the saints, women should remain silent in the churches.” (1 Cor. 14:34)  –– Silent?
  • “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man.” (1 Tim. 2:12-14) — Should women not have authority over men?
  • If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off.” (1 Cor. 11:6)  Must we cut our hair off if we don’t cover it?  I just added this one to poke at the cultural differences.

This is just a sampling ….  Those verses exist in the New Testament books of the Bible and they are up for great debate.  Some people even believe in picking and choosing, some of them are to be followed but not others, which is really silly.  But I don’t want to debate. 

I would like to share some of my feelings about this, because I have thought about this for some time.

The Church does not seem to believe in women.  This undermines our voice in relationships with men as well as in our churches. Underlying these ideas [which say women are subject to men when it comes to the leadership of a church] seems to be these messages sometimes bravely said  out loud and most of the time very subliminally communicated:

  • the belief that women are somehow not quite able to interpret God’s Word,
  • or gain the wisdom needed to lead the church,
  • and definitely don’t have the Godly authority necessary to speak and teach (except to each other and children).
  • Lastly women are not allowed, by edict of scripture, to be elders of the church.  This job trusted to males only.

They do this, because of some of the NT scriptures and yet there are many stories in the Bible of Jesus lifting women up and giving them a voice.

I have thought about two, one being in the Old Testament, Ruth  the Moabite and the other is the five women that visited the tomb of Jesus, four of whom were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, Salome and Joanna.  The other is not named.

Ruth the Moabite

There is a story told in the Bible of a woman who led had great influence over a man named Boaz.  Her name was Ruth. a Gentile, an outsider, crop picker  in the fields near  Bethlehem, and she was a follower of Yahweh. Out of her experiences in life grew a perspective and heart that she turned into a strong voice.  Boaz listened to this poor, foreign female as she reinterpreted the Jewish law for him.  Boaz  was a Jewish landowner who strictly obeyed the Mosaic gleaning laws.  But if you were poor and hungry, I would bet the gleaning practices and interpretations would look very different to you than if you were a land owner.   The letter of the law said, “Let them glean” and in doing so you are being generous.  The spirit of the law Ruth said was “Feed them.”  And, Ruth’s perspective opened up a scenario Boaz hadn’t even considered.  And he fed them.

What does it mean as a woman to have a Voice in the church?  It isn’t just about the authority of eldership, it is more subliminal and it is frustrating and difficult.  I have spend years and years of sitting, thinking, stewing, praying, studying, learning, crying, hurting, and wondering.

Ruth seemed to offer Boaz a missing perspective, a compassionate perspective.  Boaz followed the letter of the law, and Ruth followed the heart of the law leading God’s people to sacrifice for the good others.  And I wonder, how many times a female perspective might have changed the Church, might have changed my church, if women were enriching the highest leadership conversations, the Biblical understanding, and the richness of creative perspective and ideas .

When it comes to my church, there are those that would argue that women are in every level of the church, except Elders and ordained ministers.  And that is true. They would say that some day things might change and even go so far as to say, “What I personally believe is women should be elders.”   And I want to push back and say … how long do I have to wait?  If something is true then let’s be the prophetic voices for our generation of women who are at some point going to reject the form of Christianity that excludes them. Your exclusion of me, relegating me to pour the communion wine but not serve it, reminds me each time it happens what- you- really- think- of- me.

No, I will not impulsively or unthinkingly walk away from the church.  No, not today.  But I will reconsider how I hear and interpret your teachings in light of what I know you think of me.

The 12 and the five.

I leave you today with this reminder of the twelve disciples and how they served Jesus in the end.  It was the women who were full of faith — Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, Salome and Joanna and one unnamed.

Among the many things that need to be said about the gospels is that we gain nothing by ignoring the fact that Jesus chose twelve male apostles. There were no doubt all kinds of reasons for this within both the symbolic world in which he was operating and the practical and cultural world within which they would have to live and work. But every time this point is made – and in my experience it is made quite frequently – we have to comment on how interesting it is that there comes a time in the story when the disciples all forsake Jesus and run away; and at that point, long before the rehabilitation of Peter and the others, it is the women who come first to the tomb, who are the first to see the risen Jesus, and are the first to be entrusted with the news that he has been raised from the dead. This is of incalculable significance. Mary Magdalene and the others are the apostles to the apostles.  [By NT Wright.]

I believe.

I believe that all people are equal before God and in Christ.  I am coming to understand that I will be held responsible for NOT using my gifts and NOT obeying my calling, as will everyone. I believe God freely calls believers to roles and ministries without regard to class, gender, or race and that the body of Christ, in gender, in race, in culture is beautiful when we are all serving.

I must remember it was the women who were full of faith.  And as I sit in the pew and consider what the Church is saying to women and I’m thinking to myself “let’s just get on with it.” Perhaps I will.  I might just get on with the service to the poor, the widow and the prisoner and find some place where my Voice is considered with mutual affection and attention.  Listen, there is so much about this that I don’t get.  So much about the Church that I don’t understand.  But I can’t believe that a loving God would give me, and half the church, these abilities and talents and ways of thinking that are up to a point appropriate. The glass ceiling of the Church (and my church) seems to be eldership and ordination.

The Voice inside that draws me to stories like this and makes me wonder and question what I am hearing, could it be the voice of God?  Am I supposed to feel this disconnect?  Am I supposed to feel the strength of conviction that I do, that I am doing what needs to be done; to think, and write, and grapple with and yes, gripe at times.  Am I a Voice that needs to be heard?

What do you believe?

*** the caveat ***

Of course I know that there are denominations that are more welcoming to women.  And there are days that I wonder what I’m doing.  But I am not only at this church for me, I have children who are coming to the age of influence and decision and will need the voices of youth leaders.  Tom and I felt, at one point, that we were supposed to go here.  (Mostly Tom but still…) because we both needed to be challenged, to have soul-changing business done in our hearts and that happens for us weekly.  And I believe that my quite, droning voice will some day make some difference.  Some day, some how.    And, quite honestly I have run from opportunities at this church because of my painful departure from InterVarsity and a doubt in myself that I had anything to offer because of that experience.  It’s taken me years to sort this out.  Frankly I was only coming to an understanding of this as I spoke up for Asian Americans and women in the Deadly Viper fracus, that I heard my own Voice and woke up.

I read a lot of stuff, blogs and articles and at some point today I did read an article on this website about Women in Leadership where I was reminded of the story of Ruth and the idea of her using her voice with Boaz.  I got that tie-in from the article but I can’t credit it because I can’t find it.  Apologies to the author.

I’ve had a topsy-turvy, upside down and backwards experience with forgiveness.

I woke up thinking about the act of forgiveness and the impact it has had in my life.  It has completely changed who I am as a person.

When my father was dieing, I came to a point that I had to forgive him for the years of neglect and abuse.  My sisters and I had flown in from around the country for the surgery to remove two tumors in his brain. The day before, my sister Paula and I found ourselves in a small Episcopal church in Evergreen, Colorado where my mom and dad were living.  It had a retro 60’s interior, as if modernity hadn’t reached the mountains.  But it also had a serene beauty, with carved wood and stained glass windows.  It was a relief to slip into a pew near the back, two of about a dozen people in the small sanctuary.

It was a beautiful service and I was deeply moved — emotional and fearful for the next day and days to come. My dad had been meeting with each of us daughters to have the “last conversation” just in case he didn’t make it.  I wasn’t ready for mine.

As is typical tradition in the Episcopal church, communion was offered.  As took that long walk to the front and knelt there, struggling with my heavy heart, I was aware that my father could very well die in surgery. And I also knew that I could not, and in many ways would not, be able or ready to forgive him.  As I wrestled internally between my hypocrisy and a need to be faithful to my experiences with my dad, I heard the voice of God saying: “Melody, forgive as you have been forgiven.”  Even as I write those words I’m floored by the power of that moment.

Whether it actually was ‘the voice of God’ or my memory returning to the eternal truths of my childhood faith, I don’t know for sure and it’s certainly up for debate.  But it mattered not at all to me, in that moment.  I knew that it was true and that I had to respond. And in as much as I understood what that meant in my life, I acknowledged: “I cannot forgive him.  But if you could help me…” And I experienced a miracle, my heart change in a moment!  I was given a heart of absolution toward my father.

Let me be clear, I believe that he was still responsible for the things he had done and said, but my heart was freed of the anger and hurt that had consumed it for many, many years.  At the very least, this experience allowed me to be “present” emotionally later, to bravely express my pain to my dad (which I had always been too afraid of him to do) and  to hear him, as he stumbled through an apology.  He asked me to forgive him for the hurt he had caused me over a lifetime.  If I hadn’t forgiven him the day before I would not have been able to receive his apology or grant him what he needed.

It was a little topsy-turvy and upside down and backwards, but it is up there on the list of one of most amazing spiritual experiences I have ever had.

————————

At some point we all find ourselves in the doghouse for something we have said or done.  It is interesting to see a culture of public apology as it has developed today.  It has become a natural next step by governments, politicians, cable newscasters, even ministers and it is easy to get cynical about such public apologies with our 24/7 public, cable-driven news cycle.

It is almost common place to mess up and need to apologize. My kids throw out “I’m sorry” like “please” and “thank you.’  I keep thinking we need to teach them this concept of forgiveness, but I don’t really know how.  When I was a child my father used to make us apologize, even when weren’t sorry.  Even when we truly felt we weren’t wrong.  And then he’d make the other person say “I forgive you.”  I cringe to think of it and refuse to do that to my children.

But what is the purpose of an apology?  It is an admission of wrongdoing.  An expression of regret for harm caused to another person by our actions or by our failure to act.  Sometimes we even apologize to get something off our chest or make ourselves feel better.   But people should apologize when they mess up and I want to help my kids understand this.  But it can’t be forced if it is genuine.

Or can it?  I think of the power it holds for people groups who have been mistreated and demand governments  to extend apologies for historical injustices.  The apology is called for and absolutely necessary. African-Americans deserved apology and reparations for two hundred years of slavery, Black South Africans for Apartheid, the Japanese Americans for the internment camps, Native Americans for stealing their land, imprisoning their people in Reservations, and demolishing their indigenous culture.  The same for what has happened to indigenous peoples in Hawaii and many places around the globe.  Many countries around the world, including the United States, have tried to make amends for past injustices by paying reparations, creating human rights tribunals and reconciliation commissions. This is all good and necessary.

But have those groups forgiven?  I think on an individual level this is needs to happen.  And sometimes as a public.  The story of the Amish here in the states, who, three years ago, unconditionally and publicly forgave the gunman who slaughtered five of their little girls.  It was an astonishing example of public forgiveness.

Until we can forgive we are condemned to remain victims.  All of us have been wronged, in big ways and in smaller everyday ways, through out our lives.  Until we can forgive those responsible we’ll be nagged by this sense of seeing ourselves as a victim.

That was certainly true for me with my father and I’m not done with the process of forgiving him as memory resurrects the past.  I don’t know how long it will take, but I’ll walk every day of my life needing to forgive him fully and working toward it.

What does that mean for those of us offended and hurt by the Deadly Vipers book or more importantly, the ongoing work between the white Christian community and multi-ethnic communities.

What does this mean for women that have been hurt by the Church/organized religion or organizations or men that have treated them with inequality and sexism?

It’s very easy for victimization to be internalized, but only forgiveness can release us from that.

“There’s nothing to compare with the therapeutic effect of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a far more liberating experience, both for those who forgive and for those who are forgiven, than a mere apology can ever be. It is one of the most generous acts we ever perform.” — Hugh Mackay is a social researcher and author.

Apologies are powerful in their symbolism admission and contrition, but asking for forgiveness is more important. It can’t be forced, either the asking or the granting.

But still, often the apology is not extended and we are forced to wrestle with that topsy-turvy and upside down and backwards experience of needing to extend personal forgiveness, for our own welfare and healing, even before the apology has been extended.   Listen up, friends, especially ladies, we may never get the apology.  But we cannot live in anger, because it’s a virus.

Only forgiveness can heal us.

Be well,

Melody

On a lighter note:

I did a little searching and oddly enough, found a website called http://www.perfectapology.com, which serves 50,000 visitors a month, offering advice on how to extend the perfect apology.  Having grown up in a house where my dad was never wrong, and never once apologized for his behavior in my lifetime (except that amazing day in Colorado when he knew he was dieing.)  Some people need it spelled out for them so here you go.

Apologizing is both an Art and a Science. The Art being the manner in which the apology is delivered while the Science is the recipe that forms the apology itself.  This is “Science” or ingredient list that when combined produces the perfect apology.

A proper apology should always include the following:

  • a detailed account of the situation
  • acknowledgment of the hurt or damage done
  • taking responsibility for the situation
  • recognition of your role in the event
  • a statement of regret
  • asking for forgiveness
  • a promise that it won’t happen again.
  • a form of restitution whenever possible.

Good Luck!

I woke up and realized I was afraid. Again. (Gender & Power)

I looked up and perhaps ‘woke up’ to realize that I have fairly happily jumped out of the fray of ministry and most especially gender advocacy for nearly ten years.  I stepped away to lick my wounds and be angry, because it was getting too hard and I was burned out and exhausted.  I didn’t want to fight any more.  I gave up.

“The fate of a nation depends on how it treats its women.” – Malcolm X.

What’s brought me “back” has been this damn book, Deadly Viper, and beginning to read blogs about the microcosm of the Christian world and realizing that after nine years —  it seems that it’s almost exactly the same.

Okay, I’ll admit that my sampling is small and cannot be representative.  There have got to be success stories and some happy women and minorities in the church and Christian world.  There have got to be examples of organizations that are doing multi-ethnicity well.  I’ll look.  You know me, I will look.  But the language  and graphics used in Deadly Viper and the whole Presidential search for Wheaton to name two.  Or the painful musings of a new person in my life, Kathy Khang, author of More than Serving Tea and multi ethnic director for a parachurch organization.  All of these make me shake my head and say wow.

But the other thing I realized is that I owe it to myself and to those involved in my situation to at least get some closure.  I haven’t spoken with people in IV about this.  For that, I am wrong.  I should have had some conversations about why I was really leaving, what I experienced, and worked at the very reconciliation that I refer to below. I’m a hypocrite in this.

But even as I write I can’t help hearing that nagging  and doubting voice saying: “How long have you been gone?  They didn’t want you there and aren’t knocking on your door to come back.  They are not going to care about what happened a decade ago.  Let it go. ”  But for me, it is as fresh as if it was yesterday.  Not the pain, because I’m far enough removed from it all to not feel it anymore.  But the injustice of how that whole situation was handled still stands.  The fact that it was never resolved, and that I was “just sort of set out to pasture.”

A lot has changed.  It won’t be easy for me.  I’ll likely sound like a whining woman, a thing I dread and loath.  But I will do something about this.  I just found this great quote by Marian Wright Edelman: “If you as parents cut corners, your children will too. If you lie, they will too. If you spend all your money on yourselves and tithe no portion of it for charities, colleges, churches, synagogues, and civic causes, your children won’t either. And if parents snicker at racial and gender jokes, another generation will pass on the poison adults still have not had the courage to snuff out.”

And I’ll add, if you’re too scared to stick up for yourself, your kids will be afraid too.

And to follow-up on my ongoing conversation about race, gender and Deadly Viper, I wrote my letter to Zondervan.  It’s similar to what I said in my last post, but also different in many ways.

Dear Mr. Vines, Jason:

I wasn’t sure if putting Deadly Viper in the subject line would make you immediately biased against my email, because of all the frustration you’ve undoubtedly experienced over the last few weeks.  I hope not, because I honestly am writing out of care and concern, as a fellow believer, committed to reconciling our differences in the kingdom of God not fueling our fires.

That said, I am a forty-something white woman.  I have a background in communications both by study at Azusa Pacific University and in my thirteen years with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.  I was the director of Urbana Communications for three of the student mission conventions ’96, 2000, ’03.   My responsibilities included PR, marketing, all publications, the website, development, etc.

But I’m writing today as a frequent consumer of books and a woman.  I am writing today out of care for and concern for Christian women. I tell you my background because I can never take that hat off really, but I can also never stop being a woman (thankfully) and since I began to read about some of the controversy around the culturally insensitive and offensive book, Deadly Viper I’ve concluded that the only way to change that story is to boycott the book.  Ha, a boycott of one is silly and ineffective but you know now that I will never buy that book or books like it, and I want to tell you why.

Apparently the authors are nice guys and didn’t mean any harm with it. I can accept that on the level of ignorance. But I have to say it’s still not okay for an organization like Zondervan to produce a book like that, with the racial caricatures and inappropriate humor, and sexist generalizations, in this day and age.  This is the 21st century and it’s just not okay!

I had read on some blogs that aspects of Deadly Viper are offensive to women.  But before you get annoyed because we women are always offended, please understand how much I do not want to write this email knowing you may think I should stop whining.

Here’s something I wrote recently on my blog:

“…For me it starts with questioning why people, but Christians especially, cause one another pain so needlessly out of our ignorance. And especially why do we cause pain for those that are different from us? …. We, above all, as followers of Christ are instructed to love, as Jesus loved especially if a person is in pain. I’m especially cognizant of this because I have three kids very close in age and my husband and I are constantly being called upon to administer justice.(i.e. break up fights.)  Is it: a) their own fault for being too sensitive or getting hurt? b) the fault of the person who caused the pain in the past so it’s pushing buttons and causing additional anguish, or c) the fault of the person who caused the pain this time?

I suspect though, as we try to figure out who did what to whom and why, that we are asking the wrong questions.  Someone was hurt and pain occurred.  Where do we go from here?  How to make it right.  How to create conversation and learn?  These are the things I try to work through with my children and these are the things we should focus on now, as it relates to very difficult painful experiences.

Let’s be honest, Mr. Vines, sexism is real though I genuinely wish it were not so.  And it causes women pain, sometimes deeply and scarring because it is often repeatedly happening. And yet we live with it.  We learn to get along. Sometimes we even smile and act polite; we don’t want to offend. Occasionally, we get angry.  Women don’t want to be perceived as a b***h.  Christians don’t want to be perceived a liberal.  Many don’t want to be labeled a feminist.   And so we live with the pain of repeated offenses, getting along and leaning on those who are the lightning rods for us.

I haven’t been in the fray for a long time.  And I haven’t missed it, not really.  But allow me to tell you a true story, the short version of nearly ten years of my life.  Every word is true although admittedly my perspective.  As I said, I worked at InterVarsity (a more open organization in terms of affirming women.)  I was lucky in that I was given tons of responsibility and opportunities for leadership.  I was using my abilities, influencing, it was a good place.   As fast as I could catch I was being thrown responsibility and I love it.  I was Gen X right when Gen X was hot and I was able to bring that to the organization’s communications efforts.  Admittedly, I was promoted quickly over just a few years.

Running parallel to this was a tension growing between myself and another leader.   He was older (by two decades ), white and male obviously, intellectual,theological, super influential and made a big splash all the time and he had made himself integral to all aspects of the organization.

I was an up and comer and although people liked my work, and my work ethic and my productivity, it wasn’t long before it was clear that we were competitors.  There are more spiritual ways of saying it without sounding crass, but there’s only so much turf in a small organization and we both wanted it.  Were fighting for it all the time.  Oh, not to each others’ faces but in everything we did we were working toward taking charge of the area of communication. Trust me I was not a perfect leader by any means, but I would say probably my greatest vice (other than an insane desire to be perfect and in control of everything and working too hard) was working my staff too hard and not providing enough coaching.  No one had ever coached me and I didn’t know how, but that’s another topic (throwing leaders into the fire without grooming them.)  His vice?  Temper, temper.  He threw a Bible at my friend in anger.  He treated people (below him) horribly.  He emotional/verbal abuse which I would hear about and would bring up with my supervisor and it hit the President’s office and stayed there.  They were buddies.

I cried floods of tears at home to my husband and I prayed, but at work I tried to prove to everyone what I “just knew” — that I was supposed to be the one in charge.  I was young, innovative, I was ‘the future.’ Meanwhile, I was also having babies while working full-time. I had no intention of slowing down or working less or becoming an at-home mom. I was committed to that job.

I would have these meetings with my supervisor where I would try to make him understand how horrible it all was the infighting and how people were being treated and that people were leaving the organization because of this person, and as he said “We waded through blood together.”

Then one day he brought me into his office and he had a time line on the whiteboard.  I kid you not, he had a time line for my life where I would finish out the current assignment, go be a mommy for a few years, and this person hopefully would have retired or something, but the organization would have more space for me, and then I would come back!

Once I got over the hurt of even having a conversation like that, and knowing that he was done advocating for me AND that he was essentially telling me I had gone as far as I was going to there I finished the gig I had and quit.  That was nine years ago and I haven’t gone back and they haven’t asked me. That man, has folded everything I used to do and more into his domain and is very happily ensconced.

Draw your own conclusions.

AND SO I FOUND A PARTIAL COPY OF DEADLY VIPERS ON-LINE. I began to read.  I first learned one of the authors owns a Media Firm (Yikes! What a revelation!)  They need some sensitivity training. But I digress, sort of.

You know what I’d like to ask the authors of Deadly Vipers?  Do they have daughters?  Because if they do, how can they speak so diminutively about girls and women?  Here’s an example:

“there’s little old us looking like school girls with plaid skirts on, because we are unskilled and undisciplined in the area of character. We’re weaklings with rail skinny arms and toothpick legs.” DV, page 8

I have a daughter.  I must say how much I resent being used as an example of weak and pathetic, totally lacking in character and discipline and I do not want my daughter thinking that she is either.  Even worse, perhaps would be my sons learning about leadership from macho, cool, trendy dewdes.

These guys even make fun of ugly people!! Yes, I mean nerds, geeks, “four eyes,” the person you would never have danced with in high school, me.  So that did make me cringe and wonder at their sophomoric attempts at humor and need for being perceived as cool.

But I stopped reading when I read the phrase:  “We are asking you to go balls out with us.” mostly because I had to look it up.  Are you serious?  Don’t you all have editors or someone reading this stuff?  Surely, I’m thinking, they can’t mean what I think they mean …?  I can tell you that you exclude women(and culturally sensitive men) from your book/s at this point, as this is something that we females just physically can’t do.

But if we forget about Deadly Vipers, because I don’t really want to beat up on these poor guys.  They are just trying a little too hard to be cool, and hip and relevant.

So, putting my PR hat on… a few thoughts on offensive situations like this.

1) Say you’re sorry and you messed up, when you’re sorry and you mess up. Just do it cause it will make you a stronger person. Humility is a part of integrity.  Then, fix it.

Once I produced a promotional poster for Urbana featuring all sorts of images of people serving in different capacities.  It was diverse, it was cool.  What I didn’t notice, nor did the graphic designer, or the writer, or a whole slew of other people who saw the thing, was that all of the servees were ethnic or darker skinned and the servers were lighter skin.  The posters got a reaction from our multi-ethnic staff that they could not and would not use a poster like this and you can imagine.  We had our conference calls and strategy meetings.

I was crushed.  But I had messed up.  So, I pulled the posters, went over budget to quickly create a new promo poster.  And I can tell you that I will never forget that.  Not because I messed up, but because I saw how you can do so and survive if your heart is remorseful and you are willing to change.

2) Change your infrastructure. I don’t care what you believe about 1 Timothy (okay I do, but it isn’t relevant here.) you must have women and minorities at the table on all levels of your organization if you want to stop making these huge grotesque blunders.  (Well, they are huge and grotesque to me.)  In the board room, in the leadership, in the communications team, as your artists and ideas people, we need to be there.  I’m not an ethnic minority so I can’t speak to that, but there are people who consult on such things who could generally help the communications of an organization.  With my background I could easily look over anything quickly to tell you if it’s insulting to women. Many times a few edits would save a whole lot of head aches.

3) If that seems too impossible a task (to hire someone I mean) then get your organization some cultural and gender sensitivity training.  Again, there are tons of firms that could help both secular and Christian.  Every person on staff should get such training.

And then tonight I read about Presidential hiring process at Wheaton College and to be honest I had no idea Wheaton had gotten to be so  backward.  One would assume that Wheaton would hire the best qualified people without discrimination on the basis of race, ethnicity, or sex which is not only illegal, but morally wrong. Truly, I cannot believe that women and minority candidates aren’t being considered.

Like Justice Sonia Sotomeyor said, “if you are a white male who (still) thinks that race and gender don’t matter, conjure up the image of a Supreme Court made up of all-hispanic and black women, and you will know how the rest of the US feels when faced by the prospect of an overwhelmingly white male Supreme Court.”

I’ll conclude by saying that I know if women want an equal world, we have to work for it by accepting positions of authority and responsibility and not by walking away from the fight, like I did.  You need to know that I believe I gave it everything and frankly almost lost my faith in humanity in the process.  (I only mentioned the name of the organization to you so that you’d understand it’s not small fry organization.)

Here’s my heartfelt prayer: For a day when men can work side by side with women and people of every color and stripe, with joy and common purpose. That did not happen for me, but I speak out here because I hope that things will be better for my sons and daughters, for my nieces and nephews, who are all bi-racial or of a minority culture.   It will be a better world for these boys and girls.  It just has to be.

I believe fundamentally, it is our hearts that give us up every time.  And out of our hearts spew what we believe.  It’s our hearts that need changing.  But until that day comes, can we at least edit for less offensive language even if you don’t believe in the principles of equality?

With regards,

Melody Harrison Hanson
Imagine Photography, LLC
distinctive photography for hire
https://logicandimagination.wordpress.com/

I will sort all this out.

I’ll take it one day at a time, before my Maker, asking what is it you require of me?  Why me?  What do you want?

And I’ll try to live it out with integrity and dignity.

Thanks, again, for reading to the end.

Melody


It’s about pain: Concern for Christian women in the church

This is a followup to writing about multi-ethnicity, race and culture and the culturally insensitive and offensive book, Deadly Viper. I’ve concluded that the only way to change that story is to boycott the book but even that is ineffective. And apparently the authors are “good guys” and they didn’t mean any harm. Okay.  Beyond that, I’m going to continue to follow and cheer on, virtually, my (new) Asian American contacts, for they must continue to raise their concerns about WHY this is so inappropriate.  If you want to do something, here’s the email for the appropriate person to contact at Zondervan, the VP of PR and Communication, Jason.Vines@Zondervan.com.

I keep reading on (mostly) from women blogging, and here, that aspects of Deadly Viper are offensive to women, to which I heave a sigh of frustration!  I don’t want to read their silly book.  I’m not ready to talk about my pain and concerns for Christian women in the church.  And I do not look forward to writing this post which is essentially about PAIN! Yes, pain.

Before you, dear reader, get annoyed because we women are always offended, please understand how much I do not want to talk about this, knowing you think I should stop whining.

For me it starts with questioning why people, but Christians especially, cause one another pain so needlessly?  And especially why do we cause pain for those that are different from us?  Why are Christians so dogmatic, so closed-minded, so unwilling to change, so proud, and so damn selfish?  This is a serious generalization, but I cannot stand the reputations that Christians have right now in the media and in any secular context.  I cannot stand the way many, many Christians behave, it’s embarrassing!  We, above all, as followers of Christ are instructed to love, as Jesus loved (Remember the poor, the meek, the widow, the prisoner.)

If a person is in pain, whose fault is it?  I’m especially cognizant of this question because I have three kids very close in age and my husband and I are constantly being called upon to administer justice. (i.e. break up fights.)  Is it: a) their own fault for being too sensitive or getting hurt? b) the fault of the person who caused the pain in the past so it’s pushing buttons and causing additional anguish, or c) the fault of the person who caused the pain this time?

I suspect though, as we try to figure out who did what to whom and why, that we are asking the wrong questions.  Someone was hurt and pain occurred.  Where do we go from here?  How to make it right.  How to create conversation and learn?  These are the things I try to work through with my children and these are the things we should focus on now, as it relates to very difficult painful experiences.

Let’s be real. Racism exists.  Homophobia is very real. And I can step up boldly to the mike and say: SEXISM IS REAL and alive, though I genuinely wish it were not so.  And it causes minorities, gays and women pain, sometimes deeply, scarring because it is often repeatedly happening.

And yet we live with it.  We learn to get along. Sometimes we even smile and act polite; we don’t want to offend.  occasionally, we get angry.  Women don’t want to be perceived as a bitch.  Christians don’t want to be perceived a liberal.  Many don’t want to be labeled a feminist.  Hardly anyone is willing to, dare I say it, admit to being a person that loves gay people.  And so we live with the pain of repeated offenses, getting along, and leaning on those who are the lightning rods for us, like Dr. Soong Chan Rah and Kathy Khang .   I’m not so sure who other lightning rods are for women but I appreciated Julie Clawson on the topic this week.

So where do we go from here?

I haven’t been in the fray for a long time.  And I haven’t missed it, not really.  But allow me to tell you a true story, the short version of nearly ten years of my life.  Every word is true although admittedly my perspective. I worked for many years for a para-church organization.  I was lucky in that  I was given tons of responsibility and opportunities for leadership.  I was using my abilities, influencing, it was a good place.   As fast as I could catch I was being thrown responsibility and I love it.  I was Gen X right when Gen X was a hot topic and I was able to bring that to the organization’s communications efforts.  admittedly, I was promoted quickly over just a few years.

Running parallel to this was a tension growing between myself and another leader.   He was older (by two decades ), intellectual, theological, super influential and made a big splash all the time and he had made himself integral to all aspects of the organization.

I was an up and comer and although people liked my work, and my work ethic and my productivity, it wasn’t long before it was clear that we were competitors.  There are more spiritual ways of saying it without sounding crass, but there’s only so much turf in a small organization and we both wanted it.  Were fighting for it all the time.  Oh, not to each others’ faces but in everything we did we were working toward taking charge of the area of communication. Trust me I was not a perfect leader by any means, but I would say probably my greatest vice (other than an insane desire to be perfect and in control of everything and working too hard) was working my staff too hard and not providing enough coaching.  No one had ever coached me and I didn’t know how, but that’s another topic (throwing leaders into the fire without grooming them.)  His vice?  Temper temper.  He threw a Bible at my friend in anger.  He treated people (below him) horribly.  Severe abuse which I would hear about and would bring up with my supervisor and it hit the President’s office and stayed there.  They were buddies.

Being an emotional person, I cried floods of tears at home in bed to my husband and I prayed, but at work I tried to prove to everyone what I “just knew” — that I was supposed to be the one in charge.  I was young, innovative, I was ‘the future.’  Meanwhile, I was also having babies while working full-time.  I would have these meetings with my supervisor where I would try to make him understand how horrible it all was the infighting and how people were being treated and that people were leaving the organization because of this person, and as he said “We waded through blood together.”

Then one day he brought me into his office and he had a time line on the whiteboard.  I kid you not, he had a time line for my life where I would finish out the current assignment, I would go be a mommy for a few years, and this person would have retired and then I would come back and rule!  Once I got over the hurt, knowing that he was done advocating for me AND  he was essentially telling me I had gone as far as I was going to there.  So I finished the gig I had and quit.  That was nine years ago and I haven’t gone back and they haven’t asked me.  Draw your own conclusions.

AND SO I FOUND A PARTIAL COPY OF DEADLY VIPERS ONLINE.

I began to read.  I first learned one of the authors owns a Media Firm (Yikes! What a revelation!)  They need some sensitivity training.  But I digress, sort of.  I’d like to ask the authors of Deadly Vipers if they have daughters.  Because if they do, how can they speak so diminutively about girls and women?  Here’s an example:

“there’s little old us looking like school girls with plaid skirts on, because we are unskilled and undisciplined in the area of character. We’re weaklings with rail skinny arms and toothpick legs.” DV, page 8

I have a daughter.  I am a daughter and a woman and I must say I resent being used as an example of weak and pathetic, totally lacking in character and discipline and I do not want my daughter thinking that she is either.  Even worse, would be my sons learning about “leadership” from macho, cool, trendy dewdes.

These guys are my worst nightmare.  They even make fun of ugly people!! Yes, I mean nerds, geeks, “four eyes,” me.  Yep guys, you’ve gone and made me mad.  How can you use ugly people in such a way?  So that did make me cringe and wonder at their sophomoric attempts at humor, and cool, and their strange lingo.  But I stopped reading when I read the phrase:  “We are asking you to go balls out with us.” mostly because I had to look it up.  They can’t mean what I think they mean …?  Go look for yourself, but I can tell you that you exclude women from your book at this point boys, as this is something that we just physically can’t do.

So forget about Deadly Vipers.  I’m tired of that topic already and I don’t really want to beat up on these poor guys.  They are just trying to be cool, and hip and relevant.  Just trying is what they are doing, trying too hard.

I shall put my Communications hat on for a second and tell Zondervan and their PR people what I think.

1) Say you’re sorry and you messed up, when you’re sorry and you mess up. Just do it cause it will make you a stronger person. Humility is a part of integrity.  Then, fix it.

Once I produced a poster for a convention featuring all sorts of images of people serving in different capacities.  What I didn’t notice, nor did the graphic designer, or a whole slew of other people who saw the thing, that all of the servees were ethnic and/or darker skinned and the servers were lighter skin.  The posters got a reaction from our multi-ethnic staff.  I was crushed.  But I had messed up.  So, I pulled the posters and they were trashed.  We quickly redid a promo poster and I can tell you that I will never forget that.  Not because I messed up, but becuase I saw how you can do so and survive if your heart is remorseful and you are willing to change.

2) Change your infrastructure. You must have women and minorities at the table on all levels of your organization if you want to stop making these huge grotesque blunders.  (Well they are huge and grotesque to me.)  In the board room, in the leadership, in the communications team, as your artists and ideas people.  I’m not an ethnic minority so I can’t speak to that, but there are people who consult on such things who could generally help the communications of an organization by having advice on the ways that you communicate and what you’re saying.  I am a woman with a background in communications/marketing and I could easily look over anything quickly to tell you if it’s insulting to women.

3) If that seems too impossible a task (to hire us I mean) then get your organization some cultural sensitivity training.  Again, tons of firms that could help both secular and Christian.  Every person on staff should get such training.

And then tonight I read about Presidential hiring process at Wheaton College and to be honest I had no idea it had gotten to be so backward.  One would assume that Wheaton would hire the best qualified person.  Discrimination on the basis of race, ethnicity, or sex is not only illegal, but morally wrong.  I cannot believe that people feel they need to ask that some women and minority candidates be considered,but like Justice Sonia Sotomeyor said,

“if you are a white male who thinks that race and gender don’t matter, conjure up the image of a Supreme Court made up of all-hispanic and black women, and you will know how the rest of the US feels when faced by the prospect of an overwhelmingly white male Supreme Court.”

If women want an equal world, we have to work for it by accepting positions of authority and responsibility.  Not by walking away from the fight, like I did.  But I gave it everything and frankly almost lost my faith in the process.  And so, I have to look forward to a day when men work side by side with women,  people of every color and stripe, with joy and common purpose. That did not happen for me, but I speak out because I hope that things will be better for my sons and daughters, for my nieces and nephews who are all bi-racial or of a minority culture.   It will be a better world for them.  It just has to be.

Fundamentally, it is our hearts that give us up every time.  And out of our hearts spew what we believe.  It’s our hearts that need changing.

CS Lewis wrote: The heart never takes the place of the head: but it can, and should, obey it.

Enough for tonight.