I rise early
As pain wakes me, it is impatient to begin.
It’s burning in my leg. I’m despondent, knowing
Fear’s come, knocking
Licking up my tears, FEAR holds me tight,
As I sit with her. I know FEAR
Like an old friend.
I’ve never known much else, than this devilish companion.
Aches, as I attempt just for a moment to fight FEAR
Drum, drum, drum, like the pain in my leg she’s persistent.
I have excuses.
Family chaos, family pain. My chaos, my pain.
Only I know, again and again and again how ruthless she is,
Relentless, she’s brilliant, she’s all knowing
FEAR’s come knocking and I have welcomed her in.
I listen and I believe
I relent, because
I trust her.
She whispers chaos into my soul, “I am nothing. What if the only thing
I was ever supposed to do was be a mother.
[To comfort, to believe in, to love, to help
Those small souls (my children)
To help them find Life without Fear.
There’s nothing else to ask for,
Nothing for me?”
Mothering should be enough FEAR proclaims.
Stop dabbling, FEAR taunts. You’re nothing special.
Seeing Images, collecting Words, Thinking – all meaningless.
You are nobody
FEAR soars now, for this
Believing gives her strength and power.
She swirls and floats around me
For today, I quit struggling.
FEAR always comes knocking
I made her welcome.
FEAR holds on to me – Knowing I’ll never be
Without her, this is her domain
I traded my dreams
For a moment of relief from the panic.
She knows the grooves
Worn in my soul – she made them.
Filling me like wet concrete poured, I begin
FEAR swells, it hurts as she grows and strengthens
I hope she plans to let me die eventually.
As I let go of hope,
Abandoned dreams collect around me
I am heavy, thick with her.
I watch myself drop deeper and deeper
Into the waters dark with despair.
What if I was never meant
to do anything “important”?
What if the words and images got trapped inside
me, cemented forever?
Surely then FEAR
Would relent, releasing me
She’d fly away from me forever and I’d finally know
We play this slow game together,
An unhurried cruelty,
This daily swim,
Will I finally
Then I realize FEAR, doesn’t want
Where’s the fun
In my total surrender? It is the game
She’s here for
I call my LIFE,
Cemented in FEAR.