I sit in the early morning dark. It is 4 am and I am awake. I like this time of quiet and solitude. My mind is clear. But also my fear clouds out my hope. Fear woke me.
Sometimes when I wake this early I believe God woke me. Presumptuous to believe that God has something for me in this moment. Enough to wake me. Why?
There are many things to fear in this life. As a believer, my hope is in a powerful God who is in control of the universe. As a fearful being I doubt God’s control over my universe.
This has been a season of doubt. So many hardships, confusion over and questioning; the constant why’s of suffering and my lack of control.
Here is the crux. For much of my life I have lived, even as a believer, as if I am in control of my future.
When work falls out underneath you, when money is short, when children suffer, when the depression that plagues me is a battering ram on the soul then, for me, only then do I find in the Scriptures the truth that I am not in control.
Why do some people have to lose so much, and feel inordinate pain, to gain this understanding? That is my story.
The God of Job finally draws out the conclusion. For Job and his nefarious but loyal friends, it isn’t circumstantial at all. I am God. You are not. But the book of Job is inconclusive for me. He lost everything but his life. That is a kind of pain you wonder how knowledge of God’s sovereignty helps. Where’s the comfort?
This is stirring and unresolved inside me. But I know the questions are authentic ones, banal. Today, I understand this truth. God does not mind me pounding on his chest, screaming, throbbing in pain, and filled with discomfort. He does not mind the doubt and heartache. God is okay with my rage. That’s the lesson of the Book of Job, for me, so far.
I am reading Walking with God through Pain and Suffering Tim Keller and Where Is God When It Hurts?Philip Yancey.