I wake up every day tired, mostly of me. This is how depression repeatedly exposes itself to me, in exhaustion. With each breath and step in the day, with every mundane activity only reinforcing my life’s obvious lack of direction. It is sad. I seem unable to enjoy life.
Sometimes I think this is easily solvable. Do I have a lack of gratitude for all the good in my life? It might look like that if you saw my beautiful life.
If pushed I can name all the things for which I am thankful. In my bleaker moments, I imagine that I don’t know how to live out this gratitude.
“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.” Meister Eckhart (c. 1260 – c. 1327)
I don’t completely agree, but I know that it is up there in importance in the spiritual formation of a believing heart. Anne Lamott says help, thanks, wow in her tiny book by that title.
To implore, to give thanks and to offer praise create the liminal places preparing us for a deeper spiritual life. This allows for a vulnerable, more exposed and prepared spiritual self.
It is lost to us when we get caught up in over thinking and not allow ourselves moments in the day when we let go of that rigid way of spirituality in the form of dry and useless ingratitude.
“Gratitude is not only the posture of praise. It is also the basic element of real belief in God.”
This convicts my aching, thankless, over thinking mind and heart.
One of my favorite spiritual fathers, a gently resplendent author, the late Henri Nouwen, is the most convincing to me today. As a recovering alcoholic I seem to have many resentments that crowd in before I know it. I can go through a whole day, my brain buzzing with one resentment or critical thought after another, and then before I realize it my physical body and spiritual heart and heartless brain are full. I am brimming with bitterness and judgement.
In Spiritual Formation: Following the Movements of the Spirit he said:
“”The opposite of resentment is gratitude (from the Latin gratia = favor). Gratitude is more than an occasional ‘thanks be to God.’ Gratitude is the attitude that enables us to let go of anger, receive the hidden gifts of those we want to serve, and make these gifts visible to the community as a source of celebration …” When I think about what it means to live and act in the name of Jesus, I realize that what I have to offer to others is not my intelligence, skill, power, influence, or connections, but my own human brokenness, through which the love of God can manifest itself. Ministry is entering with our human brokenness into communion with others and speaking a word of hope.” (My emphasis)
My bleak spiritual state is so obvious to me when I am depressed. But to dwell there deciding my life is useless would be the real tragedy. Even with and perhaps because of depression, even with some of the things that plague so many of us including spiritual doubt, incessant fear or anxiety, the self-hatred so many struggle with, our life’s deep regrets and our brokenness.
Before God these are my questions. Am I am able to let go of them and lay them in prayer at the Cross? Can I set them down to pick up the communion bread and cup? Can I find, as a daily discipline, a few things for which I can say thanks? If this is hard, especially for a melancholic person like myself, I think it’s paramount to express thanks as a part of our life of spiritual discipline.
Gratitude it’s an offering. Gratitude is a discipline. It is a setting down of bitter burdens to try to trust God with our brokenness.
Gratitude I think is the ultimate trust. This isn’t a formula; rather it is a part of life’s spiritual continuum.
Wisconsin has had more than 30 days below zero already this winter. It’s a hard place for me to live. It’s a cold, wrecked bitter place. But it also has great beauty such as snowflakes falling this morning; dancing as they fall, whirling playfully and slowly, and dropping to the already covered ground. I have to admit, sitting here in my warm house it is beautiful to see the snow form into an angel.
Gratitude is a spiritual or life discipline that can bring health and heart healing.
For the next 30 days or so, through the bleakest whitest part of winter, I’m going to keep track in writing. Want to try it with me? Perhaps the last activity before sleep or first thing in the morning with a cup of coffee. Take a moment to write five things (or even one) for which you are grateful.
Will this cause an inner shift in my frozen, depressed heart caught up in its own gloom? It may not. It may simply get me through this frozen winter. Whatever the outcome, I’m a little more hopeful today.
Let me know if you’re going to try 30 days or nights of private gratitude. Let’s step toward this hope together.