adrenaline rush

awake these two nights,
washed over with adrenaline. the bad kind
that comes
at the wrong time. lurking, an enemy brandishing itself, harmful.

this energy, so important
to survival, fight my body is saying.
only it’s got it all wrong, just as I lay down.  just as I surrender.

dopamine and endorphins, in the middle of the night are a new low.
i’ve been running on this “drug” for months
my body, confused. i’ve been allowing the high of worry,

to keep me.
my friend who knows, knows and warns. wait for it
the fall.  you’re gonna, crash.  it’s coming.
instead my body has decided
to flood itself.

i’m too old for such nonsense. youth long gone,
life’s grabbed me by the shoulders and shook hard.  so hard my teeth hurt from banging against each other.

so tired late
at night, really in the morning’s dawn that i’ve begun hallucinating.

Be Still, and Know  … i hear.

angry, exhausted perpetually
i look in the mirror and see
caverns, under my eyes.  it’s the ultimate betrayal i’m thinking
youth’s gone and run away

and its replacement
exhaustion.  i am beginning to wonder
how we go on – the fall will come soon.  a crash
a nose dive,
a skinned knees, flat handed
face first
fall down.

then perhaps, then i’ll sleep
or then
admit.

i’m weak.
i’m tired.
i’m afraid.

i feel alone though i know that’s depression talking.

believing the lie,
i pull away.  i fear.  i
honestly don’t know up from down.

day from night,
life’s come to this
adrenalin rush.