I have begun what feels like a slow crawl of healing which requires that I carefully take less and less of the antidepressant drug Effexor. This choice frightens me no matter how much I tell myself that this will be a straightforward and matter-of-fact thing. And remind myself that I am ready!
This day has been years coming. Eight years since I fell into the major depression that would change me and my life forever. Eight years since I have gone a full year without a depressive episode that I was unable to pull myself out of. [I had one that began in May which lasted four months. But, with the things I have learned, I was able to recover on my own (By that I mean without my psychologist’s help.)] More than two years since I have had an alcoholic drink.
Of course I would desperately like to get off the medication but I fear the worst – the side-effects which I have read will mimic a depressive episode. I believe the medication is doing very little for me now. But I fear the crippling, seemingly uncontrollable plunge, the inevitable decline; though I know a number of things that I can do to keep myself strong. Still, the brain plays tricks and already has begun to whisper to me that madness will come, the despondency and stupor are inevitable. And although I am certain these are lies and I counter with what I know, what I have learned, and what I believe more than anything — that this is a spiritual thing. I must wait on the LORD, knowing what he has promised. This is vital.
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Blessed is the one who makes
the LORD her trust. (from Psalm 40, NIV)
I’ve said before that I am no good at waiting. When is comes to spiritual things it infrequently that we are only waiting for minutes. Usually on spiritual matters there is a waiting for months and at times for years. But God hears us.
He heard me. He pulled me from that grim, terrible place. My life has become (more) solid and sure. I am confident that He has given me words to hold in my heart and to write “a new song.” Selah!
Logic & Imagination 
Selah!
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When I am fearful, I listen to this Psalm over and over again on my iphone. Fear is one of the major battles for me.
I love you and I’m praying for you.
Junko
Ps. 91
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
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You don’t know me, and I don’t know you, but I think we might be kindred spirits. I know the pain of major depression (for me it was 2004) and the struggle to rise above it. I have been debating for some time now whether or not to keep taking anti-depressants. I also identify with the stories about your father and how I never measure up to both my parents’ expectations.
I found you because a friend posted a link on her FB page. I’m glad she did. I look forward to reading more of your posts when I get some free time. Thank you for sharing.
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